Holy cow.

Jumpin' Jehosephat.

I can't believe it's not butter!

David Cook actually won American Idol.

I am stunned. Honestly stunned. Seriously. Now I know how all you Hillary Clinton fans out there must be feeling. Utterly dismayed.

How in the world did David Archuleta NOT win this competition? He had everything going for him. He was practically anointed the winner after the first week or two. He's had a solid fan base that has never let him slip into the bottom three. His father has been driving him like a racehorse behind the scenes. And, quite frankly, his performances Tuesday night were better than David Cook's.

This wasn't just an upset -- more like a minor, musical miracle. By all predictions, David A. should have won this thing hands down. It shouldn't have even been close.

And apparently it wasn't. Of the 97.5 million votes cast, David Cook earned 56% of them to Archuleta's 44%. A difference of 12 million votes. A double-digit win.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm glad that David Cook won. Despite how David Archuleta performed last night, I think he's a little too young and too immature for the AI title. He just doesn't seem like a star. David Cook does. I'm glad he walked away with the win.

But this was a shocker.

Almost as shocking as Simon apologizing to David Cook. Just before the results were announced, Simon actually admitted that he was on the verge of being disrespectful to David C. the night before, and said he was sorry. In fact, all three judges had egg on their faces. They all ended Tuesday night's show practically declaring Archuleta the winner too. Join the club, Randy, Paula and Simon.

Heck, even David Cook didn't think he was going to win, telling fans Tuesday night that he thought the competition was "over" and that he was just there to have fun.

But I guess this surprise should be no surprise in a season of surprises. It might have been surprising if things had actually gone the way we all thought they would or should.

A few other Idol notes. I won't try to recap the entire two-hour season finale. Just some highlights:

Basically it was one giant commercial for American Idol, Ford, or Fox.

First, they did a blatant plug for the new Mike Myers movie, which looks pretty dumb by the way. It doesn't appear that Myers is breaking much new ground here. More dressing up and making funny faces, this time as some kind of a '60s-era guru. Let's hope it's more like Austin Powers and less like The Cat in the Hat. Good to see Verne Troyer has work again, though.

The Top Ten finalists returned to perform over and over and over again. I lost count of how many times one of the eliminated Idols took the stage.

Syesha Mercado sang with Seal. Good to see he has work again. The top five girls performed with Donna Summer. David Cook sang with ZZ Top. Brooke White got to sing with Graham Nash. Plenty of stars, but basically just a venue to hype all the ex-Idols before they go on tour this summer.

Both David A. and David C. got free Ford Hybrids. Like either one needs a car. David Cook is about to get a major record deal, and David Archuleta isn't even old enough to drive, is he?

Last year's winner Jordin Sparks told us all about the new American Idol Experience attraction opening this summer at Disneyland or Disney World, one of the Disney parks.

Like I said, it was all one giant commercial.

Jimmy Kimmel was kind of funny. So was the montage of horrible singers from this season's auditions. Until they brought out Reynaldo La Paz. In case you don't remember, he's the freak in the white felt cap and cape who serenaded Simon with his song, "I Am Your Brother" -- he was this year's version of William Hung. Sadly, they let him sing it again. C'mon Idol! I know the ratings have been low this year, but this seems a little desperate. At this point, it felt like the show was just a parody of itself. Either that, or they were just desperately filling time until the results.

Jordin Sparks came back and performed. I loved her last year, but I'm not that impressed with her album.

Former Idol winner Carrie Underwood performed her current hit, "Last Name." Love the song. Loved her outfit even more.

One of the big surprise celebrity appearances of the night was George Michael. Good to see he has work again. He looked like he's had plastic surgery. Lots of it. Paula was swooning.

So another American Idol is in the books. The Top 10 will go on tour. In a few months David Cook will release a CD. So will David Archuleta and a handful of other also-rans probably. Personally, I'm looking forward to a Brooke White torch-song album, or maybe a Kristy Lee Cook country CD.

But for now, the spotlight is on David Cook. Congrats, dude! What an upset. Job well done. Now the work really begins.

Ethan Morris: "Not always right, but never in doubt." Go ahead and write me.