JEB’S DRUM CIRCLE DIARY!

An exclusive look at the personal journal of former Florida governor and now former presidential candidate Jeb(!) Bush

So I had the guys over. Everyone except the verbal fart machine. Do you know I think he may be turning the exact color of “safety orange”? Would be useful if he were an actual hunter and a big “Two Amendment” supporter (see what I did there, diary? TWO AMENDMENT. Man, why am I not this funny onstage?).

ANYHOO. Figured it was the least I could do — they were all in town for the debate, which wasn’t even going to be any FUN, what with Principal Preibus coming down on everyone after the last one. Hey, Principal Preibus, the 1960s called and they want their Southern Strategy back! LOL.

To get things off to the right start, I suggested a drum circle on the beach, and I was surprised, but everyone agreed to it. I mean, Ted still showed up in a suit, and I was just about blinded by Kasich’s legs (talk about white supremacy!), but they were up for it. I started out by offering up a prayer to St. Ronnie and the Blessed Virgin Nancy and then encouraged them to think of the drums as Trump’s leathery skin. And after we pounded the fuck out of them, I told them to now think of the drums as the sound that would lead voters to the polls, and that was a huge mistake because Ted just went Neil Peart on all of us — like, I think he may have practiced? No one else could really be heard, so we just let him tire himself out and then I held up the talking stick and we really got started.

Long story short, Diary: I told ‘em that sacrifices were going to be necessary. That there would have to be some give-and-take — especially on Ted’s part, because, Jesus, does he really not see that there is no way in hell he can win a general? DOES HE NOT SEE THAT? He’s a prissy know-it-all whose every speech sounds like a demand for TPS reports. UGH. Ted crossed his arms and sulked and Kasich was all, “tell me more…” Marco somehow got a hold of a hacky sack and wouldn’t stop playing with it, he just said “Yeah, yeah, fine, I’ll tell my folks in Ohio to vote for John – now watch this, BEHIND THE BACK …”

I don’t think he heard that K-man didn’t agree to the swap. He said he wouldn’t do it unless Ted would, and Ted, of course, being Ted, thinks he can take this to a contested convention all by himself; I should have known better than to suggest that he show his willingness to work with mere humans. SMDH.

We wound it up in plenty of time for the debate, of course. I think Ted went straight to venue; he was probably shaking sand out of his crack the entire time. Would explain the look on his face, for sure. I settled back with a bowl of guac and the ol’ vape-o-matic. Columba says she’s cool with it now. She definitely agrees I’m more fun to be around, haha.

The debate was kinda bleh. THANKS, PRINCIPAL PREIBUS. Probably the biggest news is that Carson is going to endorse Trump, which sort of breaks my heart. I have a soft spot for the little weirdo. Oh well. Check you later, diary —JEB.