Hello, I’m Suge Knight. I’m here to discuss the state of the race for the Republican presidential nomination.
Now, sure, maybe you don’t know who I am. Or you’re probably like, “Didn’t you maybe kill both Biggie and Tupac?” And to that I’d say, “You can’t prove it one way or another, CAN you, motherfucker?” And then you’d be like, “Didn’t you hold Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles?” And I’d say, “AND WHAT? AND FUCKING WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?” And you would shut the fuck up, because I’m Suge Knight, and I’m goddamn terrifying.
But I digress.
Friends, and punk-ass motherfuckers whose ASSES I WILL FUCKING FIND, the GOP is in shambles. In the race to beat Trump, John Kasich, Marco Rubio, and Ted Cruz are all yelling at one another through their spokespeople. Rubio’s all “my followers should support Kasich in Ohio” and Kasich’s all “we don’t need your help, asshole” and Cruz is probably consuming the blood of bats or something. This isn’t beating Trump. This is STUPID BULLSHIT.
Look, I founded Death Row Records. I gave Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg solo careers. Maybe I did kill someone on the set of Straight Outta Compton, but you punks CAN’T PROVE SHIT. I have had to do a lot of things to get things done, friends. Some of those things have involved shooting people. Some of them haven’t. You don’t know, and I’m not going to fucking tell you. But again, I’ve gotten a lot done. And I have some advice for the GOP:
Motherfuckers, none of you is going to be fucking president. So get in a goddamn room and put your support behind Ted Cruz and take this to the convention. Marco, you’re not winning fucking Florida, you’re not winning an episode of Cash Cab, and you’re sure as shit not winning the nomination. Go the fuck home. John, who the fuck are you? I don’t even know, or give a shit.
We hate Ted Cruz, but that motherfucker is a man with a plan, and Donald Trump is a man with a fucking fake tan. So make a goddamn decision before someone shoots you in the face. Maybe it’ll be me. My lawyers advised me not to say that, but whatever.
P.S. Go fuck yourselves.
*Suge Knight did not write this post.
**Suge, if you're reading, please don't murder us.
***Not that that's something you'd do.