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The Real Winners And Losers Of New Hampshire

You think you know, but you have no idea.

You may have heard there was a presidential primary yesterday.

Here's what the results actually mean.

Winners

Donald Trump's legitimacy as a presidential candidate: This was validated by his massive win in New Hampshire. His prudent, carefully mapped strategy of vague statements and bizarre behavior paid off with voters who apparently like stocking up on canned food and ammunition. We’re looking forward to whether he ratchets up the eccentricity on his way down South, or pulls back now that he knows he could plausibly win the thing.

New Hampshire's reputation as Patron Saint of Weirdos and Lost Causes: The last non-incumbent to win the New Hampshire primary and ascend to the presidency was George H.W. Bush in 1988.

Ezekiel Kweku: Wrote a piece about Donald Trump this week, will reap a bountiful harvest of clicks from terrified and confused citizens in search of an explanation. Splendid timing.

Tautology: Statements that are true by definition remained true. Winning won, more votes were a greater number than fewer votes, and the candidates that were losers did not win; rather, they lost. The sun rose at sunrise and promises to keep doing so for the foreseeable future.

“Socialism”: Bernie Sanders, for unknown reasons, insists on calling himself a socialist even though his political agenda is social democracy, a sort of neo–New Deal. But winning despite unnecessarily saddling himself with the baggage of this term perhaps means that it has lost some of its toxicity. Next up in the redemption tour: Communism?

Jewel Samad/AFP

Losers

The GOP establishment: Not only did Trump win, but all of the establishment candidates got enough votes to convince themselves to stay in the race. This means they'll continue to split primaries -- bad news if the establishment wants to rally around a consensus candidate and defeat the Trump/Cruz insurrection. It's good news for us, though: Paring down the number of candidates would have made future editions of this column more difficult to write.

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Hillary's campaign staff: They may be headed for a shakeup after a lackluster performance in Iowa and getting drilled in New Hampshire. She said that she intended to model her primary strategy after Obama's but is missing his campaign's sense of clarity and purpose. Nobody's asking for my advice, but I suggest she begin with demoting the guy who got dunked on by Susan Sarandon, and move up the ladder from there.

Donald Trump’s hair: Trump said that his hairstyle is too difficult for a president to maintain, and that he would have to change his signature look if he ascended to the White House. His inimitable coiffure, with its elegant look of windblown Spam, gets one step closer to elimination.

Adept Technology Inc.: Marco Rubio’s malfunctions on the campaign trail and subsequent defeat in the New Hampshire primary demonstrates the unreadiness of ATI’s technology to handle the complicated calculations and varied tasks necessary to replace all presidential candidates with robots. Its failure is a setback for the parent corporation, which may see stocks fall this week. They promised to push out a software update this week; we’ll see if that fixes things ... or makes them worse.

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Jeb!: He didn't gain enough votes to become the Comeback Kid, nor few enough that he can rationally drop out. He has to keep stringing out this futile campaign, taking his tour of barely veiled misery to South Carolina next. And his mother will be watching. She always is. Mother is very careful to always be watching over him, because Mother loves him so very much and wants everything to be just so.