Guys, Kanye West is on a mission to prove he’s sick of fake sh-t. And we need to join him.
In case you missed it (but honestly, how could you??), ‘Ye resurrected his weekly G.O.O.D. Friday new musical offerings today (Jan. 8), surprising fans with the track “Real Friends.” With its twinkling pianos, Ty Dolla $ign feature and too-real lyrics about what Jay Z would call “fake f—ks with no fangs,” it’s a major step-up from last week’s slightly disappointing “Facts.”
But it’s Kanye’s preview of another new track, “No More Parties in L.A.,” that we’re even more hyped for. This one’s a soul-sampling, Kendrick Lamar-assisted bashing of fake-ass Los Angeles blowouts — or, at least, that’s what the title suggests. The snippet is so short that we have yet to hear exactly what Kanye’s grievances against L.A. folk are, but it’s safe to say he’s not down with their sheet-staining orange spray tans. (Understandable.)
While we wait to hear the song in full, it’s worth pointing out that Yeezy is dropping a legit, uh, fact about L.A. parties: They suck. Yours truly lives in Los Angeles, so I’m allowed to say this, but even if you’re from New York or Wyoming or Bangladesh or Tokyo or bumf—k nowhere, you should know this. Because we’ve seen it time and time and time again on the big screen. To prove it, here are seven movies that prove L.A. parties always end up in total disaster:
Beverly Hills queen Cher deserves a f—king trophy for gracing this mediocre Valley party with her presence. What does she get instead? A skater boy spilling booze on her satin shoes, an unsurprisingly disappointing game of “suck and blow,” an “ensemble-y challenged” wannabe who’s wearing her old dress, and a ride home with a handsy f—kboy who abandons her in a parking lot, leaving her to be mugged at gunpoint. IN AN ALAIA DRESS, NO LESS. (Note: This party’s saving grace is “Rollin’ With The Homies,” but besides that, it’s trash.)
“The Bling Ring”Tumblr
Parties in this movie consist of sitting around and conspiring to rob celebrities’ mansions. In other words: treating yourself to one last coke binge before your inevitable jail sentence. Not fun!
As poor young Ronnie learned, even when you go to a party with someone you trust, they’ll wind up abandoning you to hook up with some rando, leaving you to walk all the way home by yourself. Which is even more tragic than it sounds because LOL, no one walks in L.A.
This party was LIT for like two minutes before crazies from Craigslist started crashing it, people started setting cars and trees on fire, cops showed up with flamethrowers, and then the whole neighborhood was left ablaze. Yo, we’re in a drought over here; we don’t need drunk people starting unnecessary explosions.
This one’s full of tragic parties, like the poolside bash where a teen overdoses, and the New Year’s Eve soiree where Little Bill finds his wife cheating on him and then kills himself. All of that, paired with the heavy drugs and porn industry scandals, make it a shocker of an L.A. party flick.
The private screening party at Vince’s mansion where he’s supposed to debut his weird new movie is the type of bash that reminds you to never meet your heroes. Exhibit A: Bob Saget asking Vince to have sex with his daughter’s friends so he won’t have to. WTF, Mr. Tanner?! And then the screening doesn’t even happen (rude), but hey, at least you get a free Pharrell performance out of it.
“This Is the End”Giphy
So just when you finally score an invite to a celeb’s A-list party, it ends with the motherf—king global apocalypse. SMDH.
Bottom line is, listen to ’Ye: “No more parties in L.A.”