This just in: time and space have been warped by supernatural cosmic shenanigans that are beyond our mortal understanding, and somehow Sam Winchester’s Reddit account has joined this universe’s Reddit. Or, it’s just a really good novelty account, but you know, that’s just highly improbable. Read more about this after the cut!
This strange temporal misalignment seems to have occurred approximately two months ago; however, the first time anyone really realized that the taller, moosier variety of Winchester was on our Reddit was following a high-rated comment on a popular /r/AskReddit thread. The full comment is below:
It was the 4th of July, 1996. I was 13, and my brother was 17. We had about $600 worth of fireworks and we pretty much burned a field down. It was such an awesome experience in the literal sense of the word. We just sat against my brother’s car, struck by the amazing display.
After we finished setting them all off my brother and I sat on the hood of the car, looking up through the smoke at the stars. He cracked a beer and handed one to me. He didn’t let me have more than one, but it just felt so cool. I get he was young, but he felt like such an adult to me, and it seemed like a very adult thing to shoot off fireworks and drink beer.
Several dedicated fans realized that, in fact, it was The Moose, and we’re not sure what’s funnier – the people who are freaking out about this being Sam Winchester, or the people who didn’t realize it was Sam Winchester and commented, taking it seriously. Oh, Internet. Never change.
Another golden moment was definitely Sam’s recounting of the time he and Dean got matching anti-possession tattoos:
I have a small piece on my chest, if anything I regret not getting it sooner.
Story time: my brother and I got tats at the same time, both on our chests. Before we went to the parlor we
had a few drinksgot drunk. We were sitting next to each other in those chairs with our shirts off and despite the fact that I’m a very large man, I couldn’t stop giggling like a little girl. It was just funny to me that two huge dudes were loaded, bare chested and getting pentagram tattoos. Plus the artists thought we were a couple which always makes my brother kind of sulky.
It just kind of paints the picture, doesn’t it? The tone is perfectly Sam, who else could it possibly be, right? He’s been posting under the name /u/accordingtothelore and you can bet Crowley the ISS (he already owns the moon) that I’m going to bookmark this sassy moose king’s user page on my phone’s browser and read it constantly, so I can find out all of Sam’s dirty secrets.
Like, I totally needed to find out what the funniest rumor Sam’s ever heard about himself is:
That I freed Lucifer from his cage and started the Apocalypse, when really it was my brother who knocked down the first domino…so…I feel like it’s really only half my fault.
And what about which part of his life Sam would really like to see made into a movie?
Pretty the past 10 years of my life, but we can start with when my girlfriend died in a fire, so I dropped out of college and reconnected with my brother while we tried to get my alcoholic, dick of a father to care about us (like, at all). A year later my dad died in car crash. Cue years of anger, drugs, and violence.
Well, that one hurt a bit. Wait, what would Sam do if he could change one thing about his past?
I came here to say this. I have a seriously fucked up past, and if I were to just erase that I wouldn’t be anything today. I wouldn’t have learned anything, I wouldn’t have become anything. There’s no “re-dos” in life, and there’s shouldn’t be.
Ow. My feels. Man, sometimes, Sammy gets deep, and we mean deep. When someone asked on /r/AskReddit what is the best gift you can give to their dad, here’s what Sam responded with:
Not really sure this helps your dad, but the best gift you can ever give someone is a second chance.
Everyone fucks up, I’ve fucked up bad before, and I’ve been given second chances (and third…fourth…fifth). But the point is, you don’t just deserve another chance, they have to be given to you. Honestly, just remember that’s the best, most valuable thing you can ever give to anyone.
I know you can’t see me right now, dear readers, but I assure you I am stabbing myself in the heart over and over again with a collapsible knife as tears silently roll down my cheeks because why must this show hurt me this way. I CAME HERE FOR THE WITTY REPARTEE, CLASSIC ROCK SOUNDTRACK AND CAR PORN. NOT SIMPLE HEARTFELT STATEMENTS OF FACT THAT FORCE ME TO THINK ABOUT THE REALITY IN WHICH I EXIST, CONFRONT MY OWN MORTALITY, RESOLVE TO BETTER MYSELF AS A PERSON AND PONDER MEANINGFUL LIFE TRUTHS AT FOUR IN THE MORNING.
Also, in other news? That fear of clowns? Still worse than his fear of death.
Honestly? I’m way more afraid of evil clowns than Death. I mean Death will happen, it has happened, it does happen. I’ve lost so many people to death, I’m just not that worried about it.
I am slightly terrified of evil clowns ripping my flesh apart and eating me alive though. And I’m a 6’4, 30 year old man. :/
Breaking news: CLOWNS ARE EVIL. However, they’re not the only thing Sam is afraid of:
My father was an alcoholic. I used to be an addict. I’ve disappointed or betrayed my family in every way possible (though I’ve worked it out again). In the past I had serious issues with rage. I used to obsess and not be able to let things go.
After living in my own personal hell for a while I finally grew past that all. But I’m afraid it’s not really enough. Maybe I’ll need to pay more. Maybe the betrayals and hurts I’ve caused aren’t really healed. Maybe I have no chance at a normal life because of the scars I carry with me.
Nope, nope, I can’t deal with this right now. Take this shattered shell I call my heart and cast it to the wolves, for I need it not.
Have you ever wondered what happens in the afterlife? Well, Sam Winchester is here to enlighten us:
Make some good memories in your life. Don’t dwell on negative things. You’re not going to be with your family or loved ones, just the memories of them. There’s no great place where you reconnect, just the scattered moments of peace and happiness from your life. In the “afterlife” you pretty much only have what you did in the actual life. So make that shit count.
I mean, that’s my theory, anyway.
Only a theory? Sure it is, right.
I’m… I’m going to go and keep looking through this guy’s comment history. It’s… fantastic. I laughed, I cried, I puked a little, 10/10 would recommend.