Somewhat disappointingly, Justin Bieber's tour rider—which the folks at the Smoking Gun procured Thursday (September 30)—is a rather staid affair ... no steadfast requests for animal-print throw pillows or "late model" Maybachs, just a lot of white T-shirts and "one large package of Swedish Fish" (or, if in Canada, something called "Big Foots.")
Basically, it is perhaps the most boring rider of all time, which could be viewed as proof that Bieber hasn't let fame go to his head ... or that he just isn't very imaginative.
Because, seriously, JB, you are the biggest 'tween star on the planet. You are mobbed everywhere you go, you sell out arenas in minutes, you have tremendous hair and above-average basketball skills. There is a line of dolls made in your likeness. The world is your oyster, and your tour rider should really reflect that. Shoot, at least ask for oysters (and a shucker).
So, we decided to step in and help. Here's a list of appropriately insane demands that can elevate your next tour rider to superstar status. You can thank us later by barring us from the backstage area. It's what people in your position generally tend to do.
» 10,000 Susan B. Anthony coins, in a sack with a "$" printed on it.
» Kim Kardashian.
» If show takes place in a city with an NBA team, exactly one player from said team, who must get down on his knees and let Bieber dunk on him. In a pinch, a representative from city's WNBA franchise will suffice.
» A brand new BMX bike without training wheels, since Bieber is a big boy now.
» One tiger. Preferrably Bengal.
» A Nintendo with all the games.
» A golden calf, with which to blaspheme.
» A Smith & Wesson tactical rifle, to hunt the most dangerous prey of all: man.
» A barrel filled with Pop Rocks and Diet Coke, a mallet to smash the barrel, and 1,000 feet of drop cloth to shield Bieber and crew from resulting explosions (Note: drop cloth could be same one used in Gallagher show last month).
» A mom who will let Bieber stay up late, since Jayden Smith doesn't have to go to bed until 10 o'clock. Even on school nights.