At long last, today has arrived. The dark clouds hanging over our nation have cleared, and the sun is shining over all of us. We no longer have to hang our heads in shame. We no longer have to live in fear. We can all hope and dream again!
Rejoice! Today is the day that “American Idol”’s audition episodes go down to only one hour per night!
What? You thought I was referring to something else?
Before we dig into tonight’s live-blog, I need to award my “Fave Comment of the Night” prize from last Wednesday’s epic live-blog. Congrats, srt2gryffndr! You had me giggling with this bon mont: ”
The ’People say I sound line Josh Groban’ guy really confirmed to me that guys shoudln’t wear V-necks. What is it with that?? Why the Sudden urge to expose the man chests?? I don’t get it…” I don’t get it either, srt2gryffndr, but I do get that your comment made me giggle.
7:52 pm – My wife is cramming in last night’s “City” episode before “Idol” starts. Fun fact: it only takes about 7 minutes to watch an episode of “The City” once you cut out commercial breaks, long silences, pointless montages and integrated marketing pushes to Rhapsody.com.
7:53 pm – On that note, it only takes 5 minutes to watch my recap of last night’s “City” episode on the latest edition of “MTV Detox.” Plug plug!
7:57 pm – Tonight, Simon, Paula, Randy and the New One are taking over San Francisco. $5 says somebody sings Tony Bennett. (Or, at least, producers use “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” in a montage.)
8:01 pm – Ooh! Jefferson Airplane! Still a cliche music choice, but better. “Idol’s” learnin’, kids!
8:02 pm – Wait, those people got engaged AND married on line??
8:02 pm – HAT ALERT! Paula is wearing a giant train conductor hat. Poor thing thinks she’s on the Polar Express. “We’re in The North Pole, right?”
8:03 pm – Tatiana Del Toro from Puerto Rico is Katharine McPhee as played by “SNL’s” Kristen Wiig.
8:04 pm – OMG what is more inappropriate? The fact that Tatiana brought a press kit to the audition or the fact that her hem is higher than Paula at a Starbucks. (What? She likes caffeine!)
8:06 pm – Paula likes Tatiana because she’ll “color things up.” Memo to Paula, we’re in a post-racial America now! Tsk tsk.
8:07 pm – Tatiana’s voice isn’t that horrible! Her personality? A different story. She’s going to Hollywood?! Hope she backs bras.
8:09 pm – Pop quiz: who’s more annoying: Kat McPhee or Tatiana Del Toro?
8:10 pm – $6.95 for unlimited soup/salad/breadsticks at the Olive Garden? Dear Olive Garden in Times Square, I look forward to eating a disgusting amount of chicken gnocchi soup tomorrow. Love, Jim.
8:12 pm – Nick Reed is the emo Blake Lewis. And Jiayi Yu, who is totally knee deep in the hoopla, sounds exactly like Grace Slick!
8:13 pm – Dean-Anthony Bradford is in a funny jacket and Simon dissed his hair color. Did this turkey really just say, “The carpet matches the drapes?” Hell to the no!
8:16 pm – Jesus is auditioning. I need sleep.
8:17 pm – Oh, not THAT Jesus. Jesus Valenzuela is pimping his kids in order to get through. Atta boy! PS – Gabriel is TOTALLY the Malia of that family.
8:19 pm – Wait, why did Jesus’ kids have signs that say “We heart you Jesus?” They call their dad Jesus? Or did some production assistants just make those for them five minutes ago?
8:20 pm – Kleenex alert: an upcoming contestant takes care of his sick mom. “Idol’s” 8th season should be subtitled “Pity Party.”
8:22 pm – Apparently you can now play Jenga with Ritz crackers. Your move, Saltines.
8:23 pm – AHHHHHHHH! The lung cancer commercial is on. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
8:24 pm – If I were President Obama, I would so be watching “Idol” right now.
8:25 pm – Dalton Powell is doing his best Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness” impression by solving a Rubick’s Cube in .04 seconds. And for his follow-up? He’ll do a Will Smith in “Seven Pounds” impression, in which he steals $12 from your wallet and then confuses you for two hours for no reason. Wait a second, remember Rubick’s Cube girl from last year’s audition? She was robbed!
8:28 pm – Another commercial break already?! Oof! Like Pavlov’s Dog, I am going to the fridge to get a Coke Zero.
8:32 pm – I have never watched “Fringe,” but because they’re using a Lykke Li song in their promo, I may consider it. Damn you, Fox Promo Department!
8:33 pm – Simon and Kara fighting montage. And in the middle of it is Paula, having Tourette’s-like fits of shouting random words like “heart!” “rock!”
8:34 pm – Akilah Askew-Gholston likes gospel music and mispronouncing the word “trachea.” Also, I love her.
8:36 pm – She’s going to sing an original composition called “Make Sweet Love.” Jackpot! She sounds like Erykah Badu on a treadmill.
8:39 pm – Kara is stepping up. When Paula inexplicably wandered off the set, Kara hugged Akilah and escorted her out of the room. See? She’s a team player! If Randy wandered off the set, I bet Kara would say something about Mariah and then produce a show on MTV about dance crews.
8:40 pm – Ryan Seacrest: “Khai leaves his heart in San Francisco.” $5, fools!!
8:41 pm – D’oh! I only wagered that we’d either hear the Tony Bennett song, not that Seacrest would read that song title in a terribly-written voice over.
8:44 pm – I have never watched “Bones,” but because they’re using “Bust A Move” in a promo, I never will. Damn you, Fox Promo Department!
8:45 pm – Going to Hollywood: Vincent Gallo. Okay, so his name is John Twiford. But I bet he’s friends with Christina Ricci.
8:45 pm – So many pretty girls on this season of “Idol!”
8:46 pm – Annie Murdoch is Jane Krakowski minus the vocal chops. Plus a choker. Simon’s quip of the night: “It was like you were drunk. And I’m not talking one or two bottles. I’m talking a crate!”
8:47 pm – Adam Lambert was in school plays growing up. One of which forced him to hold a live pig? What kind of school did he go to? I hope they never did any productions of “Equus!”
8:48 pm – “Idol” math: David Cook + Clay Aiken = Adam Lambert.
8:50 pm – Adam just came out of the closet. Welllll, he just said he saw Paula Abdul on tour when he was ten. So…
8:52 pm – Speaking of which, my friend Adam (not Lambert) showed me this amazing YouTube clip of MC Skat Cat and Paula performing LIVE on tour from the early 90’s. She had a dude in a giant MC Skat Cat costume, y’all! I wonder where that guy is now.
8:55 pm – Kai Kalama takes care of his seizure-prone mama. And now I’m crying.
8:57 pm – Kai Kalama is the most fun name of a reality show contestant since Comfort Fodoke! His voice is just okay. I wish he was better.
8:58 pm – Wait a second – how did it take me 58 minutes to notice Kara’s disaster of a blouse? It looks like she was attacked by a Bedazzler AND a puma simultaneously.
8:59 pm – Least surprising ending: Kai is going to Hollywood. Could you imagine if they built up that dude’s sob story and then didn’t let him through?
9:01 pm – Tomorrow night it’s Lucky In Kentucky. These audition episodes are so much digestible in one-hour chunks, aren’t they?
What did you guys think of tonight’s “Idol?” Anyone you’re obsessed with yet? Anyone you can’t wait to see crash and burn in Hollywood? We have yet to have that Paris Bennett audition of the season. I hope “Idol’s” saving the best for last?
Let me know what you think in the comments below. My fave comment of the night will get props – nee mad props – in Wednesday night’s live-blog.