What Christmas gift do you buy for a basic-cable reality-show superstar who makes serious coin for simply engaging in drama with her friends, having awkward staring contests with her frienemies and occasionally sitting down to chat with a pair of Canadian goofballs? That was the question I faced when I was approached to be Secret Santa for last night's "The Hills Finale Live From NYC" show.

Due to time constraints, my Secret Santa segments got slashed more than your teacher's tires during finals week, so a lot of my fun "Hills"-inspired gifts didn't make it to air, but I thought it would still be fun to share what I would have given Spencer, Heidi, Lauren and the rest of the gang on "The Hills."

Heidi and Spencer: What do you get for the newlyweds? (Spoiler alert: or, uh, newly-not-legally-weds?) This one was easy. First, I picked them up a giant handle of premium tequila to help them remember their quickie Mexican marriage. (Or in Heidi's case, it might help her forget.) I also snagged an electric razor, so Spencer could tame that wild beard of his. And last, I bought the happy couple a nice frame so that they could display a wedding photo, a marriage license or a prenup.

Stephanie: Stephanie's the epitome of "girl on the go." She works, she takes classes. And she never has time to visit Nana, her 84-year-old grandma. Chances are Stephanie didn't have time to buy Nana a Christmas gift, so I did the legwork for her by picking up a "World's Greatest Grandma" mug. You're welcome, Stephanie.

Lo: In a recent episode, Lo (awkwardly) announced that she never kept a journal growing up. But it's never too late to start, which is why a diary is the perfect gift for her. Keep in mind she's Lauren's roommate, so I made sure to find a diary with a lock on it because, for some reason, LC strikes me as a snooper. (At the very least, Lo should keep her diary hidden from show producers; otherwise her dirty laundry will provide easy fodder for at least 15 more seasons.)

I also picked up a package of scrunchies, but that gift was really for Justin. Anyone who saw the infamous Brody Jenner Cabo San Lucas Birthday Extravaganza episode might remember that Justin was obsessed with Audrina's flower hair-scrunchie. I bought him some of his own so he could satisfy his fixation with hair accessories from 1987 and leave poor Audrina alone. I was going to give these to Lo because I was too chicken to present them to Justin face-to-face. He frightens me. I was in no mood to get punched on live television.

Audrina: I was able to give Audrina her gift on the air last night -- a boyfriend pillow, which she absolutely loved! -- but I had another idea for a present that would serve Miss Patridge well. I was going to buy her a hoodie with a LoJack GPS tracker sewn into the sleeve so that she could give it to Justin and be able to see exactly where he goes when he drops off the face of the Earth for weeks at a time.

Whitney: Whitney was another on-air success. Anyone who watched last night got to see Miss Port receive my "Welcome to New York" survival gift bag, consisting of air freshener for those pungent puked-in cab rides (which, um, she sprayed on me, because apparently I smell?), green reusable grocery bags to help her figure out how to shop for food in the city (she expressed concern about that in a recent episode), and a traditional Little Black Book to help her keep track of all her new boys. I was going to also buy her a MetroCard to use on the subways and buses, but I could see Whitney in one of those lame touristy rickshaws before I see her riding the A-train anytime soon.

Lauren: Miss Conrad was a tricky one. I settled on buying her a Custom Crying Kit, which included some super-soft tissues, eye drops to keep her blues nice and bright, and waterproof mascara. My original idea (which didn't fly with producers, sadly) was the absolute perfect gift for the show's star: a roll of toilet paper with Spencer's face on it! (Watch out for stubble! Ouch!)

What would you have chosen for "The Hills" cast? I'm dying to hear your gift suggestions in the comments. Happy holidays!