A testament to how insanely obsessed I am with this show: I watched this episode on a tiny, static-y TV in a gym. I don’t even belong to this gym; my friend works there, and since I had to move out of my apartment at the end of last month and can’t get into my new one till mid-May, I’m currently homeless, and more importantly, cable-less. So, I apologize ahead of time in case I’ve missed something so drastically important due to my viewing experience. But that’s why I have all of you wonderful readers! To set me straight in case the Beacon Hill Athletic Club TV’s done me wrong.

With that disclosure out of the way, we can get down to discussing the (dun, dun, dun) penultimate episode of the season!

1. Alaric is now a big, bad vampire killer, who’s also a vampire. He trapped and tortured Caroline in his classroom (nice touch with the vervain gag) to threaten Elena. All of our friends thought that Alaric had died, so clearly this was a surprise (although it really shouldn’t have been, because, c’mon! They live in Mystic Falls. When has something supernatural ever gone right for them?) So, Elena somehow managed to leave her house without any of her bodyguards knowing and drove to the school to save fair Caroline.

2. In the meantime, Rebekah vamp-ran home to Klaus, exclaiming, “Alaric Saltzman tried to kill me.” She wanted to skedaddle straight out of there, but Klaus was intent on bringing Elena to continue to create his hybrid army. (Honestly, Klaus, just give it up already!) Rebekah tried to convince him that he didn’t need said army, that they could protect one another and love one another and be a real family, unlike his weirdo fake-loyal hybrid family, but Klaus was having none of it. So she said she was leaving right then (fat chance, because I saw her in next week’s previews!), and Klaus didn’t care, he just went straight to the Gilbert house to fetch his doppelganger.

3. Klaus couldn’t get into Elena’s house, so he started throwing a bunch of things through the window. You know, stakes made from neighbors’ fences, a soccer ball, those kinds of things. When he showed up with a gas tank and some fire, though, Stefan informed him that Elena was gone, and that Alaric was going to kill her and Caroline unless Klaus turned himself in at the school.

4. Then came plotting time. Bonnie decided that she’d perform a desiccation spell on Alaric. Only problem? Abby Bennett was needed for some guidance. So, the deadbeat showed up to explain the spell. It would stop Alaric’s heart and his blood flow, but to do it, she’d need to stop a human heart, too.

5. Enter Jeremy, who Bonnie tried to stop from volunteering to be a part of the spell, but let’s be real, girl, what other human heart was available? Matt was nowhere in sight, so Jeremy was your man. They drank some of Bonnie’s blood to bind them together (I’m still unclear as to why Damon, Stefan, Bonnie, Klaus and Jeremy had to do that), and then Bonnie whisked Jeremy off to an enchanted forest to perform the spell, while the vampires fought themselves some evil Alaric. Except, it didn’t work. The vampires lost physical connection with Alaric, and homeboy was about to go crazy on all their asses, until Elena started slitting her throat because she discovered that Alaric’s life was tied to hers: if she died, he died. And then the static on the TV went out and Elena woke up in Klaus’s mansion, with a creepy nurse draining her of all her blood. Or wait, I think it wasn’t just the static: the transition was just that bad.

6. Klaus figured out that Alaric’s life was tied to Elena’s too, and decided that he would drain Elena of all her blood, thereby killing two people with one stone: both of them would be dead, and he’d still have doppelganger blood to create a couple hybrids. All was going according to plan until Tyler discovered what was going on! As soon as Klaus left, he freed Elena, but uh-oh! Klaus saw and figured out that Tyler had broken the sire bond. There was a little exchange, about fake loyalty and brotherhood and impossibility and no longer being a little bitch, but then Stefan and Damon swooped in to save Elena and beat up Klaus! This happened because Alaric let them go free to save Elena. They made physical contact with Klaus, and then the picture cut to Bonnie in the woods with Jeremy, getting freaky with her Latin spells. I knew it was working because the wind was literally crazy, and both Bonnie and Jeremy looked like they were climaxing. And then Klaus started looking INSANE and then HE DIED! WHAT THE HECK?! KLAUS JUST DIED! OK, he didn’t really die, he just got desiccated, right? OMGODS yo did that really just happen? It was really convenient because nobody had to die (Klaus informed them that he started their bloodline, which is probably true.) Then Stefan and Damon were off to dump Klaus in the Atlantic, which clearly, clearly, CLEARLY WILL NOT HAPPEN.

7. While Elena and her brother and her high school comrades were drinking tequila shots to celebrate their victory over Klaus (oh yeah, Caroline escaped and got all safe and such), Alaric was calling a secret council meeting, in which he outed the mayor’s hybrid son and the sheriff’s vampire daughter. Yikes times 22.

8. Elena and Stefan and Damon talked about her choice. About how she knew she had to make one, but that she couldn’t bear to lose one of them. I smelled foreshadowing from a mile away. Especially when the brothers talked about it alone, too.

9. Elena and Jeremy had a bonding session in Alaric’s old room. There were only two minutes left. This would’ve been the PERFECT time for Jeremy’s psycho alter-ego to come out. Except, it didn’t. LAME! But there were still two minutes left, so I figured something else that was equally crazy would happen. The camera closed in on Elena. OMG! THIS WAS IT! SHE WASN’T ELENA AFTER ALL, SHE WAS KATHERINE! RIGHT? RIGHT?! Wrong again. She fell. Yup. That was it. She fell. From losing all that blood. Homegirl died. Kidding again, although she really did fall. I would be scared if she wasn’t all over next week’s previews.

Well, that was a whole lot of plot. What did you all think? What will happen to Elena? Are you psyched to see ELIJAH COME BACK? Will Klaus really drop into the Atlantic? How are they going to kill evil Alaric? Is Bonnie going to continue to be Jamie’s sister-wife, or will Jeremy step back in? What’s going to happen with Alaric spear-heading the council? Will we learn new startling information about Elena's family? How can next week possibly be the season finale when there’s going to be no real room for mythology and history and origins and character development and all the stuff I care about?!

You know what to do. I want your comments. I need your comments. Below, on Twitter, through psychic brain waves. Whatever. You are true geniuses, all of you, and I will not survive the week without your insights. So, in advance, I thank you, friends. I thank you very much.