Enough With The Robert Pattinson-‘Spider-Man’ Rumors! The ‘Twilight’ Star Is Unfit For The Role

About nine months ago, Reelz Channel and some other popular film websites ran an article declaring Robert Pattinson would be replacing Tobey Maguire in the red and blue tights in “Spider-Man 4,” quoting then director Sam Raimi as saying, “Robert is the future of the franchise.” It was soon revealed that the April 1 post was nothing but a joke — a cruel joke — but in light of recent events, it can be assumed Reelz and the other sites are kicking themselves for how unfortunately they predicted the future.

Yes, my friends, the end is nigh, and Robert Pattinson could quite soon become your next young Peter Parker — or at least that is what many sites seem to be prognosticating since the news that Sony would be rebooting the franchise first spun its web.

Now, you may ask yourself, how did Sony possibly convince themselves that this could be a good idea. The answer may seem immediate: the “Twilight” fanbase. Rob would come into this being one of the hottest young bloods in Hollywood with a fanbase eager to pay millions to capture his every word. But, if the current rumors about “Spider-Man 4″ being a prequel are correct, Rob would have to do the one thing he never could do for Summit or “Twilight” for this role: become buff.

Remember how he needed to have his abs added on by make-up because he couldn’t do enough crunches at the gym in “New Moon” pre-production? Remember the very lack-luster sparkle scene in the middle of “Twilight,” when all that was revealed was RPattz’s chest was nothing to drool over? And then think back to the first “Spider-Man” film, with Toby Maguire’s miraculous beefy transition after he was bit by a radioactive spider. Do you honestly think Rob could pull it off? Because it doesn’t seem feasible based on the information provided to this blogger.

And then there are the tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny details that would make Robert completely unfit to play a young Peter Parker: too old, too tall, too gangly, too handsome, too sullen and definitely not witty enough to crack out fast one-liners. Because we are talking Peter Parker/Spider-Man in high school adolescence here (which I’m not sure how that’s not just the first “Spider-Man” film, though that’s food for a different post), not Peter Parker/Spider-Man after he’s reached his prime in confidence and ability (aka after the mess that was “Spider-Man 3″). And I don’t think RPattz is anywhere near smart-nerdy enough to pull it off.

Truth is, do you really want to see RPattz’s body spandexed in the blue and red? Because I don’t think it would be as pretty as it sounds. Let’s just hope someone didn’t dredge up that cruel April Fool’s Joke from the bowels of the internet and give us all unjust cause for grief and tears.

Dish off on all the reasons you think Robert Pattinson should or should not play a young Peter Parker in the comments section below or on our Twitter, @hollywoodcrush!