HBO

11 Tips For Telling Your Bestie That Her Boyfriend Is Taking Over Her Life

It might be time for a himtervention.

You want everyone in your squad to be happy. For many people, that means (eventually) falling in love. As happy as you are for them, a relationship can change the dynamic of your friendship, especially if you're single. Misery might love company, but you're anything but miserable. You just want your best friend back and that's totally understandable.

This doesn't have to be the classic BF vs. BFF scenario that it feels like. This is your bestie! You can talk to her about anything and this is no exception. Here are a few factors to consider first:

  1. Bring it up face-to-face

    As obvious as this advice may seem, it's hard to resist the impulse to confront your friend from a distance. But no matter who it is, fighting over text should always be avoided -- so much gets lost in translation. Try not to be too hard on yourself for falling into this habit, because we all do it. But if you catch yourself tempted to send a gazillion angry emojis, slow down and make plans to meet in person.

  2. Even better, let her bring him up

    Trust us, she totally will -- so be patient. When your bestie inevitably starts talking about her boyfriend, it will give you context to discuss your concerns. At the end of the day, if she's your true friend, you can bring up him up however you want. But by letting her do it first, it helps you make the case that he's taking over her life.

  3. Try to like the him regardless

    He doesn't have to be your type, but unless this guy is a real lemon, give your friend the benefit of the doubt that she can pick an OK dude. That means you're going to have to spend a little time with them as a couple. Of course you don't want that to be the only time you see her, and that might be the problem. By making the attempt to like him, it will make your concerns seem more about your bestie, rather than their relationship. After all, this is more about her than it is about them.

  4. Give it a grace period

    There's a special time in every new relationship when the couple forgets about everybody else. It's not great, but it is very much temporary and not personal. When their honeymoon period feels like your waiting period, try to support her happiness by letting her enjoy it for a little while. Ultimately your concerns will hold more weight when you give her a few months to retreat from relationshipland first.

  5. Expect some pushback

    Friends sometimes fight, and that's a risk you're taking in approaching this subject at all. But best friends know how to come back from that and love each other anyways. Just because you have a problem with how much she's prioritizing her boyfriend doesn't mean she'll automatically agree with you. You might both be a little wrong and a little right on this, but you can always meet in the middle. As long as you're not making her chose between you two, some friction isn't the end of the world (or the friendship).

  6. But don't get defensive

    People can be crazy about new love, and that often means fiercely protecting it. If your bestie feels at all defensive about this, she might say something she doesn't mean to make you feel the same way. It's not easy to bring this stuff up, and being accused of jealousy can be incredibly hurtful. Do your best to not blow up in response, because it will only derail your point and prolong the conflict.

  7. Be as honest with yourself as you are with her

    Honestly, so what if you are jealous? It's totally OK to feel left out and/or want a boyfriend too, and acknowledging that will actually help you separate it from the bigger issue -- you miss your best friend. Regardless of whether you're single or also in a relationship, you'd want her back.

  8. Pick your battles (and be specific)

    Nitpicking every little thing about your friend and her BF won't help your cause, so focus on what's important. Be specific about how she's changed since getting into the relationship and how that's affected you. Unless there's cause for concern, try not to put the focus so much on the boyfriend. You want her to stop making her life all about him, so why make your conversation all about him?

  9. Call for backup if necessary

    Unfortunately, some guys just come with a dozen long-stemmed red flags instead of roses. If he's a bad dude and you're legitimately worried, then talk to her and other friends and family. There's a difference between meddling and genuine concern, so trust that you and her support system can make that distinction. In less extreme instances, reaching out to these people will give you someone to vent to about the situation -- not to talk about it behind her back, but to organize your thoughts with someone who also cares about her.

  10. Be confident in your friendship even if it changes

    Navigating successful relationships (romantic or otherwise) through adulthood is no easy feat, but confidence can go a long way in getting you through rough patches. You have to believe in both of your abilities to talk about tough stuff and not always agreeing. Go into the conversation knowing that even though it may be difficult, it'll eventually be for the better. Keeping that in the back of your mind will help you stay compassionate, no matter what the outcome is.

  11. Forgive but don't forget

    Unless she drops the ball in some major way, the odds are this will pass. If and when it does, it's totally OK to move on and forgive. Don't hold it over her head, but don't forget what you've learned, either. It may prevent you from doing the same thing to her when you fall into your own fairytale.