"American Horror Story: Hotel" has taught us a many a thing about this game we call life. Like how all dead serial killers get together once a year for a fancy dinner party, for example, and how Yelp reviews seemingly don't deter guests from visiting Murder Hotels. Heck, we've even learned that when mega-hot Swedish ladies go missing on vacation, literally no one cares! Hey man, it's a madcap "AHS" world, and we've just got to live in it.
But the most valuable lessons learned from "AHS" this season all involve pages from the book of love -- and there have been many of them, so we've gone ahead and done you a favor by organizing them all into your love Bible. You're welcome!
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When it comes to the bedroom, four is better than two.
Only for a time, though. When they start to get old, get rid of them.
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A great consolation prize for any dumped BF? Eternal life!
Isn't it better to have to spend an eternity alone, Matt Bomer, than just one measly lifetime?
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If bae pisses you off, definitely slaughter her army of creepy vampire children.
Hit her where it hurts.
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Just cause you're sucking on a dude, doesn't mean you're gay.
This one should be obvious, but it's important to remember!
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Never let your charity case steal your man.
So embarrassing.
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(And totally feel free to get nasty, if you need to.)
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Every couple of decades, be sure to trade up.
Ramona Royale was so 1982. Donovan was so 2005.
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True love is totally possible after only a couple of days.
It worked for Jack and Rose...
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If you choose to have children, only love one of them.
Even if he eats the dog.
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Couples who Pâté together, stay together.
FOREVER.
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Couples who slay together, also stay together -- for 20 years, give or take.
See above note on trading up.
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Netflix and chill? More like "Neflix and kill your sex life."
This one is actually real. Actually listen to this. I swear.
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It's totally cool to have a type.
Brown hair, blue eyes, and square jawed is the way to go on "AHS."
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And finally, there is no purer form of love than that of a vampire mother to her deformed, deranged, violent, eternally infant monster-baby.
<3 <3 <3
