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Okay, I exaggerate. "Valentine's Day" does have a few good lines, and a couple of lively performances. But the movie is overstuffed with plot and characters; they're confusing to keep up with, and not all that interesting even when you're able to figure them out.

The story takes place on ... well, you know what day it takes place on. Ashton Kutcher is a love-struck Los Angeles florist who's just proposed to his sleep-over girlfriend, Jessica Alba. "I can be a sappy moron all day," he crows, with unwarranted presumption, "because it's Valentine's Day." His best friend, Jennifer Garner, is happy for him, in part because she's finally found Mr. Right — a doctor played by Patrick Dempsey, whose many endearing qualities include a talent for juggling fruit (among other things, if you get my meaning).

Continue reading 'Valentine's Day': Heart-Shaped Schlock, By Kurt Loder