She was the first “Jersey Shore” girl to ultimately win (and quickly lose) Mike’s heart. Over three summers, we got to know Paula as the hot chick who gave Sammi’s sweetheart ways a run for her money. Paula initially scored an exclusive relationship with Mike by way of candied strawberries (after a smush fest, mind you) while other ladies tried–and failed–to make it past a single night in the “Shore” house.
“AWWW!” we cried. “THE SITUATION HAS FOUND LOVE! AT LAST!” We cheered for his “Let’s make it official” Shirt Under The Shirt idea, dumb as it was. We turned a blind eye when Paula started babbling about marriage and babies five minutes after DTR. When Mike started whispering the B-word to Vinny and Pauly D, we mentally willed him to ride it out. And then, with little warning, Paula found a pair of crazypants and showed Mike her scary side–culminating with the finale’s vom-inducing cake prank.
Paula, so you can learn from your mistakes, allow us to highlight your biggest rookie relationship slip-ups, from kinda tame to really lame:
5. Three summers of strings-free smushing. You gave “The Situation” his cake, cookies and strawberries right up front, and you let him eat all of it. You should have asked for dinner at Rivoli’s two summers ago.
4. Carpet surfing. And flashing the shocker. And frat boy-like “sex on the reg” comments. Mike likes a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. Three summers of being ’friends with benefits’ should have taught ya that, P.
3. Wearing ass pads. Sweets, you may as well have stuffed two rolls of Charmin up your bra. Flaunt–don’t fake–what ya got. And if you do feel the need to pull a fast one, don’t wave your dirty secret around for all to see!
2. Being jealous after the breakup. If you agree to go back to no-strings sex, you need to set “The Situation” free. Being a jealous c**k-blocker will only win you the dreaded “Psycho Ex” moniker.
1. Solidifying your crazy status with revenge. On the series finale, you gave Mike a crumb cake with funkified frosting. WTF? You should’ve just slapped him during the breakup and moved on to bigger and better situations!
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