Fatherhood is hard, and every dad suffers his shortcomings and screwups.
But if you've never sacrificed your relationship with your kid for plans of world domination, replaced parts of his or her body with biomechanical weaponry, or tried to murder your child with an axe inside a haunted hedge maze, then take comfort: You're doing better than every single dad on this list.
In honor of Father's Day, we're rounding up the top 13 onscreen dads who make us very, very grateful for our own fathers -- who, flawed and human as they may have been, were paragons of parenting compared to these guys.
Thanos, "Guardians of the Galaxy"
Clearly missed the part in the parenting guides about not turning your kids into bionic weapons.
Jack Torrance, "The Shining"
We'll have the whole hotel all to ourselves, he said. It'll be fun, he said.
Lester Burnham, "American Beauty"
It's almost a toss-up which father from the Academy Award-winning film is worse: The one with the creepy sexual fixation on his teenage daughter's best friend...
Colonel Fitts, "American Beauty"
Or the violent, psychotic homophobe with a collection of Nazi dishware. HMM.
John Milton, "Devil's Advocate"
It's hard to get worse than having a father who's literally the devil.
Dr. Evil, "Austin Powers"
You've been floating around in space in a cryo-pod for the past sixteen years, and now you just come back and expect a relationship?
The King of Arendelle, "Frozen"
Managed to give his daughter a lifetime of issues in a mere five minutes of screen time.
Vernon Dursley, the "Harry Potter" series
Not only was Vernon an abusive monster to poor Harry Potter, but he didn't exactly do a bang-up job with his actual biological child, either.
Daniel Plainview, "There Will Be Blood"
Cruel, neglectful, abusive, and a ruthless drinker of milkshakes that do not belong to him.
Bill, "Kill Bill: Vol. 2"
Serious question: Who let this guy adopt the child of the woman he tried to murder?
Mr. Wormwood, "Matilda"
Royal Tenenbaum, "The Royal Tenenbaums"
JUST SAY YOU LIKED THE PLAY, YOU MONSTER.
Darth Vader, "Star Wars"
Pro tip, dads: If you're ever in a parenting conundrum, just ask yourself, "What would Darth Vader do?" -- and then do the opposite, because he's the worst.