By Joey Esposito
When "MacGruber" was released five years ago today (May 21), "Bridesmaids" was still on the horizon for Kristen Wiig and Will Forte wasn’t yet in an Academy Award-nominated picture. It was, of course, panned, as most movies of this ilk are. And that seems to go double if you’re a movie based on an "SNL" sketch.
And yet, here we stand, half a decade later talking about the brilliance of "MacGruber," The story of a MacGuyver-esque secret agent and his team facing off against a dastardly Val Kilmer. Most importantly, the movie version of "MacGruber" offers plenty of tips on how to live a better, safer, and more fulfilling life.
Sleep With Your Arch Enemy’s Picture Above Your Bed
One might think that holding onto a grudge is unhealthy, but MacGruber, thankfully, shows us the falsity of this idea. We see that he’s got Val Kilmer’s glorious pony-tailed head pasted above his bed so that it’s the last thing he sees at night and the first thing he sees when he wakes up screaming from a night terror of the villain’s doing.
If you’re hell-bent on vengeance, this is the method to make sure that the fire burns eternal.
Remember that “Baker Street” Makes Driving Better
MacGruber cruises to no shortage of killer tunes throughout the movie, but none are quite as satisfying as that killer sax riff from Gerry Rafferty’s 1978 hit “Baker Street.”
Though its appearance in the flick is brief, it serves as a reminder that there’s no car in existence that isn’t made cooler with this song blasting out its windows; no heads that won’t turn when you ride by matching that saxophone with your best mouth noises.
Use Pro Wrestlers as Back-Up
Sure, he blows them to hell with shoddy homemade C-4, but the lesson was clear: make sure your team is comprised of WWE Superstars. “Y2J” Chris Jericho would’ve been enough, but adding dudes like “The Big Red Monster” Kane, “The World’s Strongest Man” Mark Henry, and “The World’s Largest Athlete” The Big Show is just a good insurance policy.
Surround yourself with people bigger than you is the lesson here. Just don’t leave them in a van full of unstable explosives and you’re good.
Scream at the Sky Whenever Possible
Bad day at work? Boss riding you? Family falling apart? MacGruber has the ultimate solution: drop to your knees and scream to the gods in the sky above with all that you can muster. According to MacGruber, the recommended dosage of Screaming at the Sky is approximately three per day, so if I were a doctor, I’d say to push out a screaming fit with every meal.
Bonus points if you can unleash a howl in the midst of the pouring rain.
Keep Spare Outfits for Your Friends, You Know, Just in Case
You never know when the opportunity for a good old-fashioned switcheroo will present itself, so you’ll want to keep spare versions of your favorite outfit (you’re only allowed one favorite, don’t get ridiculous) in all the nooks and crannies of your life. This means a wig to match your hairdo and any accessories you frequent.
It might help if you keep some additional spares in an armor-plated casket buried under your fake tombstone for yourself in case of emergency.
Refrain From Giving Your Villains Motivation
MacGruber’s (near) fatal flaw is that he created his villain by his own actions. Val Kilmer came after our hero only after MacGruber stole his fiancé along with his unborn child. While it doesn’t excuse Kilmer’s murderous/genocidal tendencies that would come later, certainly MacGruber could’ve prevented some of the tragedy by manning up and keeping his hands off his bro’s lady.
Treat others how you want to be treated, MacGruber.
Hold Your Wedding at the Top of a Mountain
Just in case you do, in fact, create a villain for yourself, take precautionary measures and have your wedding ceremony at the top of a very, very tall mountain so that you may use the environment in self-defense when the time comes (and it will).
MacGruber’s second wedding was nearly ruined, but he was able to learn from his past mistakes. Let MacGruber’s hard lesson be one for all of us.