Can we get a charcuterie platter up in here? Looks like someone may need some sausage.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" hits DVD today (May 8), and we couldn't help but notice: Ana (Dakota Johnson) is really, really not gettin' her nom on. Remember that clause in her contract with Christian (Jamie Dornan), stipulating that she would eat what he wanted, when he wanted? Well, she rejected it, but that seems just about moot. Not only does she barely eat in the movie, there are a few times where she tries to eat, but the food is stolen right out of her hands. Harsh!

Check out all the things Ana does -- and doesn't -- eat in "Fifty Shades of Grey."

This pencil.

Normally, we wouldn't count a lil nibble on a writing implement as "eating," but it seems like Ana needs the calories where she can get them. We're going to categorize this one as less of a tic, more of a cry for help.

This bite of chicken salad.

Just a nibble, a warm-up for that tasty sandwich she's making. Except...

This sandwich is cruelly stolen from her by roommate Kate.

"Don't hate me," she says. We don't know how it was in your house, but here, the punishment for sandwich theft is both swift and severe.

This other pencil.

Like we said: cry for help. Get a snack, Ana!

This muffin goes uneaten.

"Eat." Nah.

Her super-weak tea is untouched.

But it's just how you like it, Ana! Mostly just hot water for no reason!

She chugs this wine like a champ.

She's thirsty, if you know what we mean.

Ditto this shot. Down the hatch!

THE THIRST IS SO REAL.

She follows instructions, knocking back these pills and a sip of OJ.

Aspirin has calories. It's a start.

Ana nabs a bite of toast before a strange shirtless man aggressively noms it out of her hand.

Is that...is that how you usually eat toast?

Controversial! It is implied that she ate pancakes, but maybe she's just sitting there with a plate of blueberries?

Scientists are hard at work analyzing this question. Also note that it would appear she herself is being eaten by Christian.

She gets mama-birded a lil bit of wine with ice in it.

Look, she wants more. Feed her!

This gorgeous sushi goes totally untouched.

IT LOOKS SO GOOD. WHY AREN'T YOU EATING IT. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU.

She sips this champagne out of a teacup.

It's so cute, how could you not.

She slugs back this wine at Mama Grey's house.

Hel-LO, Mama Grey.

She has this spoonful of gazpacho at her mom's house.

Even as stepdad Bob complains that it's basically salsa.

She has this cosmo, before it's cruelly stolen away by Christian.

We'd be offended too. That's a perfectly good drink!

So in non-liquid ingestion, that's a grand total of:

-two pencils

-a little bit of chicken salad

-two aspirin

-one bite of toast

-a spoonful of gazpacho

-a possible plate of pancakes.

Pancakes, we can neither confirm nor deny at this point.

Can...can someone order this girl a pizza, please?

"Fifty Shades of Grey" is available now on Blu-Ray, DVD and Digital HD.