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Slacker Hacks: How To Graduate With The Least Effort Possible

Trick your professor into thinking you care ... if you can muster the effort.

As a college sophomore, I'm still riding the senioritis waves from the end of high school. It feels great, but it's not as easy as it sounds.

To be a true slacker, you must strike a perfect balance between caring enough not to fail, and being totally satisfied (if not elated) with earning a B. And let me tell you, it’s a thin line.

How does one do this? Every slacker has their own way of doing things, and it is the Slacker Code to go with whatever lazy method works best for you (while not judging others for their lazy methods). That said, here are some things that have worked for me -- results may vary:

  • You can possibly miss one or two more than the allotted absences

    This works best in a small class. So, for instance, if the professor allows you only three unexcused absences, you may be able to take the liberty of missing four or five instead. Class is long and draining, and sometimes you need a couple more de-stressing days than originally planned.

    Teachers insist that this will affect your participation grade, and it will. However, how big of a deal is participation, really? Ask yourself this question: What matters more to me, getting to class or finishing off this season of "Bob’s Burgers"? True slackers should know the answer.

  • In large lectures, sit three-fourths of the way up to the back

    Don’t sit all the way in the back row. I repeat: DO NOT SIT ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK ROW. Professors know our tricks. It’s almost as if they are intelligent or something. They will inevitably call on these rookies in the back row. You have to find a seat about 75% up that will provide some good shading. Pretending to write stuff down in this spot will virtually guarantee that you will not be called on.

  • Speak up in the absolute beginning of class

    Professor: "OK, so who is the protagonist of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird'?" Slacker: "Oooh! Oooh! Scout Finch."

    BOOM. Participation: check. Now that you’ve said something for the day, you don’t have to worry about being called on when the professor starts talking about themes and motifs.

  • Keep a rudimentary Word document of notes ready to pull up when you are really surfing the web in class

    This is essential, especially in case the professor walks around the room to look at what people are doing. I’ve been burned before.

  • Know the tricks of lengthening your paper without making it obvious

    Teachers can tell when the type size is 14, people. You have to be subtler in making your papers longer. Make punctuation 14-point, and text 12.3. Adjust margins so slightly that you can barely tell a difference. This way, you don't have to spew out a couple extra sentences of bullsh-t to reach the required page count.

  • Have a set of believable excuses ready to deploy

    In high school, you could just call in and bust out a day off for "personal matters," and they couldn't say anything about it. It's a little trickier in college; they'll expect specifics. Only use "under the weather" or "food poisoning" once per semester per class. Backups you could use include: "my sister's wedding," "my nephew's baptism," etc. You can claim a relative has passed away, if you want, but be ready for an immense amount of guilt if they actually die.

    These are just suggestions to get you started. As mentioned up top, every true slacker figures out some tricks of their own. Happy end of the semester, everyone! Keep up the bad work!