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7 Ways To Be Passive-Aggressive On Social Media

You'd never say it to your friend's face. Good thing the internet exists.

Social media's a great way to connect with people all across the world, make friends you would've never met before ... and then treat them awfully for petty reasons. Wanna make sure you're sufficiently treating the online world like high school? Here's a few tips for the confrontation-averse.

  1. The Vaguebook

    Your friend sucks and they don't know it. (That's why they suck.) How can you make them aware of their bad habits without actually looking them in the eye? Post an article about how awful they are! Sharing "13 Reasons People Who Never Buy The Next Round Are Terrible" is way better than asking them to buy the next round. They'll get it.

  2. The "Message Seen"

    They know you saw their message. They know exactly when you saw their message. They know it's been three weeks since you saw their message. Mission accomplished.

  3. The Stealth Unfollow

    It's the sneak attack of passive aggression. They think you're friends, they piss you off for some reason they were completely unaware of (for the sake of argument, they beat you in "Madden" and were a real d--k about it) and then you get the ultimate satisfaction of picturing them going through their followers months later and realizing you've jumped ship.

    (Of course, some people get updates on who unfollows them, so they know right away, but those people are monsters and deserve everything that happens to them.)

  4. The Forgotten Birthday

    It's the most wonderful day of their year: the sun rises, birds chirp and your target spends hours looking at all the "happy birthday" wishes from people they maybe sort of met once. Except you declined to comment, even though you got the push notification, and they're left to stew in their internet juices.

    But they won't say anything. Only crazy people would care about something petty like that.

  5. The Subtle Snark

    Leaving a snarky comment on your friend's post is a delicate art: it can't be so over-the-top that you're clearly a jerk -- that's aggressive, not passive-aggressive -- but it can't be so subtle that they misinterpret it as encouragement to keep posting this kind of garbage. Drop a "good story!" on their next four-paragraph post and you'll be a hero to all.

    Just make sure you read the post first. You don't want to drop some sweet snark only to realize that the four paragraphs were about saving the dolphins; that blows up in your face real quick.

  6. The Friend Request Snub

    It sits there. It sits there a little longer. They wonder if you just never check your Facebook. But of course, everybody checks their Facebook.

  7. The Subtweet

    It's the all-time grand champion of passive-aggressive social media. The one that started it all. To everybody else, "I hate it when people steal my fav meatball sub from the fridge" is just a boring, meaningless tweet. To Greg from the office, it's a dagger. Fu-- Greg.