Valentine’s Day is this weekend, which means it’s time to furiously scour all your favorite online stores in hopes that you’ll find the perfect present. FUN. Some e-commerce shops curate a section of Valentine’s Day gifts to (hopefully) make it easier on all of us, which in theory is a fantastic idea, but, um, what if a store suggests you buy something really, really terrible?

After looking at some V Day shops (like this, this, this and this), we’re a wee bit worried at what’s out there, but don't worry, we’re here to help. Here’s 14 things that you DEFINITELY should not buy your significant other–even if Urban Outfitters is telling you to. (We repeat: these are all 100% real store gift suggestions.)

Deter Awkward Morning Tee ($24)

Is it, tho?

DTF Booty Shorts ($18)

It's one thing to buy this for yourself, but as a gift? Nopety nope nope nope.

People I've Loved I Don't Want To Date Card ($6)

Points for honesty?

Better Than No Job Halter ($30)

Dudes, don't get this for a lady. If we need to explain why, you're probably horrible too.

Blah Blah Blah Necklace ($40)

So eloquent.

Sassy Valentine's Day Stickers ($15)

Maybbbeeeee some things are better left unsaid.

Nope Crop Tank ($29)

Tell us how you really feel.

F U Candy Heart Stickers ($15)

You could give someone these stickers for V Day or just, you know, not date them.

Surprise Twat Mug ($13)

How sweet.

D.U.D.S. Love Hate Tee ($28)

We don't recommend giving someone you love a shirt with the word "hate" on it.

TCTP Tote ($28)

Thank you?

Fart Alert Button ($15)

ROMANCE ISN'T DEAD.

Don't Text Your Ex Pajama Tee & Legging ($45)

Even more awkward if it's from your current S.O.

My F------ Valentine Bag ($28)

This one speaks for itself.