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Laziest Guy In The World Crowdsources Tinder Essay About His Penis

There are no shortcuts in life, son.

Anyone who's ever engaged in the game of dating Russian roulette that is Tinder knows that it can take some serious thinking outside the box to compete with countless other "right swipes" your matches have made. But there's a fine line between charming creativity and ... well ... this.

Recently, an engineering student named Adam -- who claims his friends call him "The Tinder King" -- took shamelessness to a whole new level, Buzzfeed reports. He matched with a girl named Noelle, who'd written in her bio that she "do(es) things that sometimes involve other things."

Adam hit her up, in classic borderline d-bag fashion, by asking whether his penis qualified as an "other thing." She responded with a joking plea for him to pull his mind out of the gutter, by requesting that he write a seven-page paper -- in MLA format -- explaining why his penis was worthy of her time.

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Noelle likely didn't think that a man whose first contact with her was in regard to his member would actually accept the task of writing a paper about his penis. In a way, she was right.

Adam, who, in his words, is "an engineering student," continued on his streak of violating Guy Code by getting the essay written, not through his own ingenuity ("essays are by far my weak point"), but by soliciting the help of strangers online. He posted in the Tinder subreddit, where, lucky for him, one bored, drunk man named Ashton offered to help.

Ashton, who, unlike Adam, often writes three-page papers, got cracking on what would, indeed, be his seven-page opus on the merits of the male organ. He waxed poetic about the phallic form in classic architecture:

"Obelisks were placed out in front of places of great ritual, such as temples or places of worship, be it of the Egyptian Gods or of the Pharaoh himself. Obelisks, therefore, represented the interconnection of the divine form with the human form. To visit a place wherein a obelisk stood was to visit the place of God on earth. Such a powerful association foreshadows the great importance of the Phallic form throughout history."

He concluded with an emphatic plea on Adam's behalf:

"I bow before you requesting that you do, indeed, as millions of earth’s inhabitants before you, consider my penis worth your while."

With his plagiarized attempt to appear bangable complete, Adam sent the essay off to Noelle, who had to admit that it was "beautifully written."

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...but it still wasn't enough to win Adam a date IRL. Perhaps Noelle's "Spidey-sense" tipped her off to the fact that the essay, was, in fact not written by the man who had greeted her with a penis reference?

Noelle confirmed on Facebook that Adam's efforts (or lack thereof) did not successfully get his penis the attention that Ashton so eloquently contended it deserved.

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Adam, on the other hand, seems to remain under the impression that this stunt was indicative of some sort of skill on his part, telling Buzzfeed, "I think I will keep doing outrageous things on Tinder in an effort to bring smiles to the world."

The experience has been more uplifting for Ashton, who hasn't been on Tinder before, but who is now considering joining in light of how well his essay has been received. We just hope he realizes that most Tinder conversations have a lot more emojis than references to the classics.