Frank Sinatra wasn't f--king joking when he sang, "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere."
For centuries, New York City has attracted those of us who'll sacrifice everything in pursuit of a dream. You constantly perform at the top of your game here, because you're up against countless other cutthroat workaholics with your exact same ambitions, all willing to kill for your slice of the thin-crust pie. You don't come to make friends, only a name for yourself.
If you claw your way to the top, however, NYC offers a life of incredible luxury and lavish comfort. The decadent rewards of success here are truly unparalleled and unfathomable anywhere else -- except for, y'know, every suburb in the goddamn country, such as...
1. A basic house with a basic yard
...for your basic dog to take basic poops in, so you don't have to pick 'em off the sidewalk when they're still all warm and mushy.
You spend far more on rent each month than your hometown friends spend on their mortgages -- and they'll actually get the money back someday with appreciation. Enjoy your 450 square feet until you get priced out or die from stress, whichever comes first, probably simultaneous occurrences.
2. A basic grill for basic barbecues (a.k.a. "basicues")
We don't mean the George Foreman taking up 75% of your puny kitchen counter, or the tiny charcoal one that your landlord confiscated because you tried to use it on the fire escape.
We're talking about a grill that makes your food delicious with minimal effort and gives you a reason to invite buddies over for fun. (Note: "Buddies" are kind of like business contacts, except you don't have a profit motive for spending time with them. "Fun" is...oh god, we can't...can't remember. What are we becoming? What have we already become?!)
3. A basic laundry room where you wash clothes with Tide Basic
You have such an awesome life compared to those pathetic rubes who never moved away from home. For example, they don't get to spend their weekends dragging a sack of dirty undies Santa-like down the block when it's freezing or sweltering outside.
Even if you're lucky enough to have laundry in your building, other tenants are lined up for the machines half the time. For New Yorkers, the mere notion of washing your clothes in your own home on your own schedule -- an annoying chore to most of the U.S. population -- is an outlandish fantasy that's just unbearably sexual.
4. A basic driveway (or garage, oh dear lord a garage) for your basic car
Not driving certainly has its perks: You get more exercise than you would behind a wheel, you don't have to pay for gas or insurance, you can party all night without worrying about a DUI, and you don't have to feel guilty about destroying the planet whenever you leave the house.
Are those perks worth suffering a single whiff of some hygiene-averse dude's vinegary ball sweat gently wafting through the packed subway car's stagnant air throughout your morning
Ebola exposure commute? It's a philosophical question up there with the existence of the afterlife, which is precisely where you'll want to go after inhaling that nasty-ass scrotal funk.
5. Basic central air
6. A basic dishwasher
Dishwashers aren't impossible to find in mid-priced NYC apartments, but they're difficult, which is bulls--t considering that not having one should be a violation of your human rights. Yeah, you can buy a $200 countertop unit with the hose that connects to your sink, but they break down often, leak water everywhere and barely fit more than a cereal bowl.
With the price of dining out in this city at any restaurant that doesn't have "Ray's" in the name, it's downright sadistic to expect us to clean our plates by hand night after night. If Occupy Wall St. had focused attention on this crime against the 99 percent, they might've actually gotten somewhere tangible -- because without dishwashers, aren't we all basically living in tents?
7. Basic package delivery
You know what's more convenient than a sticky "3rd attempt" slip you must bring to a middle-of-nowhere warehouse that's 55 minutes out of your way, only to realize A) the package is still on a truck somewhere, B) you can't physically carry a box that heavy and it can't be redelivered to the same address, or C) it's been automatically returned to sender? A f--king doorstep.
8. A basic supermarket
Farmers' markets are nice, but winter is coming and it'd be cool to purchase groceries at a store that doesn't smell like cat pee or make you stand in line until everything melts/rots.
As for purchasing other goods, while stuck inside the soul-sucking line at Duane Reade, the word "Costco" is enough to make you openly weep.
9. A basic double sink
Plug your hairbrush or shaver into the wall socket and still have room left over for your toothbrush, which is no longer exposed to the toilet's filthy microbial blast radius? Heaven.
10. A basic sectional sofa
This may fit in your living room, but would make it impossible to live there. Guests from out of town will have to sleep on the floor like dogs. Should you warn them about the mice, or just hope they won't notice any squeaking or nibbling throughout the night?
11. Neighbors who give a basic s--t about you
There's so little private space here, you treat the people in your building as if they don't exist, and they do the same to you. In a city of millions, you're so isolated that even the nice-seeming family next door are total strangers. Your parents, who cannot fathom this coping mechanism, assume they raised a heartless antisocial misanthrope. They're probably correct.
12. A basic movie theater
Around-the-block opening weekend lines... $15 tickets without the 3D surcharge... audience members who won't STFU for two minutes, let alone two hours. No wonder you always wait for Netflix. Almost anywhere else, you can catch a flick in theaters and actually enjoy the show.
13. Basic cable
"Our technician can arrive between the hours of [the absolute least likely time you would be home] in [a number of weeks greater than seven]. Is that appointment convenient for you?"
14. A doctor who sees you for more than basically two minutes
Your physician assumes you're just a hypochondriac like every other neurotic headcase here, and can't get you out of their office fast enough. "Take some vitamin D. That'll be $7,000."
15. A basic dinner table
Your one wish -- your one magical wish in the world -- is to throw a dinner party, but where would you place the serving trays? The bathtub? You already have the ironing board in there.
16. A basic 9-to-5 job
You know what New Yorkers call a 60-hour workweek? Slacking. Your job is your life and your life is your job, whether you're an executive or an intern. If the clock doesn't read the same number for a.m. and p.m. when you arrive/leave, then just do the professional thing and submit your resignation to spare your boss the paperwork and guilt* involved with firing you. Welcome to the city that never sleeps, because there aren't any Zs in "productivity."
* j/k your boss is psychologically incapable of feeling guilt or any other human emotion.
17. A basic standard of living
If this were a Buzzfeed post, here's where we'd feed you some saccharine closing bullsh-t like, "But despite all the inconveniences, New York will always be your home! Let's all say 'I ❤ NY' together!'" Instead, here's a video of a rat spreading its diseases all over a subway car: