“Thank You” just reminded “True Blood” fans why they stuck around ’til the bitter end.
Not unlike your family, “True Blood” is a bit nuts, sure, but at the end of the day, you love it anyway. True to form, it was as tidy as you’d imagine (not very), and as crazy as you’d imagine (very).
Let’s recap what went down in the last episode of “True Blood,” from the touching to the violent to the LGBT:
Sookie Asks Bill ‘What The F—?’
Bill, ever the martyr, was still uninterested in taking the cure. Oh, and he wanted Sookie to be the one to put him out of his misery. Typical relationship stuff, am I right?
His reasons were twofold: He wanted Sookie to find a normal life for herself — to get married and to have children, which she’d never be able to do with him around. (He’s not wrong.)
Second, he wanted her to kill him using her light, burning her reserve powers and leaving her an ordinary human instead of the vampire bait she was.
Jessica And Hoyt Say ‘Baby, I Think I Wanna Marry You’
Following their one-day relationship, Jessica and Hoyt decided to get married because Bill didn’t get to see his real daughter marry, so he wanted to see Jessica get hitched; he wanted to know she’d be taken care of and “spoken for.” Like livestock at an auction!
Anyway, Jessica and Hoyt tied the knot, and it was actually very sweet, even for the most cynical among us.
Jason and Hoyt also shared a very romantic moment — it involved tie-tying and forehead-touching, and for a second, I swear, I thought they’d kiss a little.
Eric Reveals It’s Not Working For Him
Eric, bless him, made short work of Mr. Gus, making it fairly clear that he was quite finished with putting up with any BS, and with doing anything for anybody ever again, ever.
Unfortunately, that was basically all the news from our Viking prince until the epilogue of the episode.
Sarah Newlin Realizes She’s A ‘Horrible Person’
“Yes, dear, you are,” Pam responded. (Ha!) Sarah, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, then asked Pam to turn her.
When Sarah mentioned that Tara was gone and that, basically, Pam would need a new lesbian in her life (it was as offensive as it sounds), Pam nearly choked the life out of her, showing that she actually cared about Tara after all. Aww.
“I wouldn’t let you go down on me for a billion dollars,” Pam told Sarah. Screen it onto a t-shirt and sell it to me.
Sookie & Tara Have Their ‘Friends’ Moment
While Rutina Wesley didn’t appear in the episode, Sookie flashed back to a sweet moment from her friendship with Tara. Soaked with rain, Grandma Stackhouse made hot chocolate for the two of them and told Sookie: “You can have any kind of life you want. You can persevere. Anything you want, Sookie. You are entitled to it. There are no limits on you if you don’t put them on yourself.” (Grandma Stackhouse is super inspirational.)
Grams then asked Tara to ensure that Sookie followed her advice when she was gone, but so, too, is Tara at this point. It wasn’t the best way for that relationship to get tied up — but then, when did Tara ever have anything truly great to do? — but it did prompt Sookie to make her own final choice.
Sookie Pulls A ‘Kill Bill’
As Sookie stood over Bill’s coffin where he waited for the True Death at Sookie’s shiny hands, she decided that she didn’t want to blow her fuse and give up being fae, after all.
Instead, she found a shovel in the graveyard, turned it into a stake, and plunged it into Bill’s heart, just like that.
Their relationship couldn’t — and shouldn’t — have ended as easily as by a shiny ball of light; it had to be bloody, and it had to be difficult, and it had to be wrenching. As Sookie sobbed, so did you. Don’t lie.
That said: good riddance. “True Blood” never spent nearly enough time dealing with the fact that Billith was back this season.
‘True Blood’ The Epilogue: Everyone (Minus Sarah) Lives Happily Ever After
The show then flashed to one year after a blood-soaked Sookie wandered dazed through the woods, having just killed her first true love. Eric was now the CEO of New Blood, the magical cure which was synthesized after Sarah Newlin left just a few drops of her blood on a shard of glass in the home she was hiding in — and escaped from, never to be found again.
The New Blood commercial in which Eric explained his good fortune was cheerful to the point of parody, which segued nicely to… Sarah chained up in the basement of Fangtasia as Eric and Pam sold her blood for $100,000 a minute. Ouch!
As she lost her mind, she hallucinated her ex-husband, Steve Newlin, taunting her from beyond. (The being-chained-up thing was bad enough, show! Don’t get sadistic on us.)
At Thanksgiving three years later, the “True Blood” timeline played with all of our minds again as what looked to be a six-year-old girl tackled Jason and called him “Daddy”. (Did Jason knock Bridget up immediately? Did fae blood make the girl age quicker? Did I just give “True Blood” far too much credit?) Anyway, Jason and Bridget had two other kids, as well.
Oh, and Sookie was pregnant. We did not meet her baby daddy.
Sam was still with Nicole, and they had two children. Adilyn and Wade were still together too, as were Andy and Holly and Hoyt and Jessica.
Not quite as jarring as the epilogue to “Harry Potter,” to be sure, but “True Blood” could have been better off without it. Sookie walking away from Bill, covered in blood, was an incredibly powerful scene that may not have been given its proper due.
Still, all in all, “True Blood” ended in the best way it knew how: a bit nonsensical, a bit emotional, and a lot bloody. While the lack of nudity was troubling, we leave you with this to remember one of the most insane guilty pleasures on television, and to remind you that nothing was ever supposed to make sense, nor was anything ever set to page for any other reason than just because someone felt like it — we’ll miss you, show: