While there’s no way of knowing what exactly will go down when Maroon 5 perform live at the 2014 VMAs this Sunday, August 24, one thing is certain: Their music will compel somebody, somewhere, to spontaneously start making out with the nearest human mouth.
From the smoothed-out retro Bee Gees vibes of “Makes Me Wonder” to the gentle dance-pop thump of “Love Somebody,” every entry in Maroon 5‘s extensive discography is probably responsible for about a million makeout babies apiece. Speaking of which, it’s a good thing that’s not how babies work — at least where Adam Levine and company’s bank accounts are concerned.
In fact, if we really sat down and analyzed all five of Maroon 5′s studio albums — including V, which drops September 2 — we’d probably discover that the group is perhaps the most versatile rock band around, at least when it comes to soundtracking your makeout sessions.
Oh wait, we have sat down and analyzed that data, and it turns out that Maroon 5 literally have a song ready for any and every makeout situation imaginable. For example…
1.) “Harder To Breathe,” for when you’re macking on a total makeout n00b who’s blocking your passageways with their gargantuan tongue, and OH MY GOD GIVE ME AIR.
2.) Or how about “This Love,” when you are that makeout n00b. Why do they keep pulling away?!
3.) Are you making out with your fist after gluing googly eyes onto it? (Okay, I’m maybe projecting.) Try “She Will Be Loved.”
4.) Sometimes you wake up naked in bed with someone else, the sheet draped gently over you and your
lover lovah as a breeze blows through the window. “Sunday Morning” is for those times.
5.) There’s no sex in the champagne room, but I don’t see any rules about making out. Pump “Makes Me Wonder.”
6.) “Wake Up Call,” for when you realize mid-makeout that this person is clearly NOT your first-base peer. #DISENGAGE
7.) If you’re playing “Won’t Go Home Without You,” grab some water and a tube of Chapstick ’cause you’re in this makeout sesh for the long haul.
8.) “If I Never See Your Face Again” is perfect for when you’re making out with someone in the basement of a house party in order to make someone on the opposite side of the L-shaped La-Z-Boy jealous. What? You’ve got the rest of your life to be a real adult.
9.) Playing “Seven Minutes In Heaven” with your hate-crush? Go with “Misery.”
10.) “Moves Like Jagger,” for when you’re not actually making out at all. ◔‿◔
11.) You’ve nearly destroyed your relationship, and only one thing can save it: your “Payphone”-soundtracked makeout skills.
12.) Two words: halitosis bae.
13.) You’ve blazed through airport security in the hopes of rekindling a long-lost love à la “She’s All That.” Why? Because you just wanna make out and “Love Somebody,” dammit.
14.) You’re totally down to make out, but you sense hesitation with your partner. Don’t worry, it’s not your weird-shaped tongue. Play “Maps.”