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‘True Blood’: The 7 Most Insane Moments From The Bloody Premiere

Wait did that just... did they just... holy crap, they did.

“True Blood” is officially back for its final season, and it wants to be damn sure you know that you’re not getting off the hook easy.

“Jesus Gonna Be Here” not only killed off an original cast member in its early moments, it also left several more in jeopardy and set us up for a massive war for the fate of humanity (and non-zombie vampires, fairies, shape-shifters, werwolves, werepanthers, and… you get the drift) with a brutal opening scene massacre at Bellefleur’s bar and grill. Numerous people died while others were taken for future consumption, leaving the rest of the town struggling to process their loss and fighting hard to retrieve the loved ones that might still be alive. (Actually, the latter part is mostly for the supes, since the humans sans Jason seem to be incapable of doing anything that isn’t hardcore hating on Sookie.)

Let’s dig in, but be warned — HUGE SPOILERS LIE AHEAD.

Tara Says Goodbye
Okay, so obviously this is going to be THE thing that everybody is taking about tomorrow. What even was that? Tara existed, and then she just… didn’t. She was the first major casualty in what’s gearing up to be a brutal war, and the lack of fanfare appropriated to her death (compared with, say, Terry’s) let fans know pretty much immediately that this show is not going to wrap things up in a neat little bow. We don’t even know who did it, really, being that it happened in the middle of a bloody, confusing massacre, and offscreen. We saw her fighting a huge vamp, then seconds later the camera panned to a hysterical Lettie Mae sobbing in a pile of blood.

“They killed my Tara,” she said. “They killed my baby girl!”

Bummer. And to make it worse, no one (minus Lettie Mae, who got high on Willa’s blood and claimed to have seen Tara’s immortal soul) even had time to mourn her — since multiple characters were kidnapped at Bellefleur’s and the threat from the zombie vampires was far from over, everyone had to quickly move on and prepare for the next battle.

Sookie And Alcide Hit A Snag

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Looks like “True Blood” is already headed towards a Sookie plus Bill (or Eric?) ending. Sookie and Alcide have always seemed like the best idea on paper, but you begin to understand why Sookie has such a vampire fetish when she overhears Alcide (as well as everyone else in Bon Temps) internally talking crap about her at Bellefleur’s after the massacre. It’s kind of easy to get why he’s upset with her for not taking him up on his offer to get out of dodge while they still had the chance, but it’s easier to get that it can’t be fun to hear horrible things being said about you 24/7. It’s like living in middle school, but for eternity.

She finally fought back at the end of the episode, when an entire congregation of BT-ers spewed even more thought-hate in the middle of church, causing a frustrated Sookie to yell out, “I want to help. Please, let me help.”

Good luck with that, Sook. Man, are the humans in this town (minus Arlene) even worth saving?

Arlene Gets Taken (But Liam Neesons Is Nowhere To Be Found)
Besides Tara, the “True Blood” original most screwed by the end of the night was Arlene. Arlene was snatched up by some ravenous zombie vamps during the attack, but there’s hope for our favorite hysterical ginger yet. She’s currently chained up in a basement with Holly and Sam’s pregnant girlfriend Nicole, marinating in her own fear as the vamps prepare for their next meal — and boy, are they nasty eaters. Bill and Andy are out looking for the trio, but here’s to hoping that this top-notch character finds a way out using her own resources. (It’s about time the show gives Carrie Preston something to do — “The Good Wife” certainly did, and it earned her an Emmy. Boom.)

Jessica Seeks Redempton

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Jessica still feels terrible about that ill-advised fairy binge-fest from last season, so she’s devoted herself to guarding Adilyn (much to Andy’s chagrin), even if it means sacrificing her own health and safety in the process. Jess camped out in front of Bellefleur manor to protect the home alone teen from the raids of zombie vamps that were circling round Bon Temps, and she eventually convinced Adilyn to feed on her for never-ending protection.

Bring on the sex dreams? She might need them, after all, now that we know that her new boyfriend, James (who was recast after Luke Grimes quit the show because he didn’t like the direction in which his character was going… hmmmm…), swings both ways. And since he’s currently shacked up with Lafayette and Jessica can’t even begin to compare with Lafayette, we think we know in which direction he’s headed.

Jason… Does… That
Well, okay. Jason’s girlfriend Violet was never exactly the most fully-formed addition to the cast — especially compared with Lizzie Caplan’s dynamic Amy from all the way back in season one — but her decision to stop withholding sex from Jason after he forcefully demanded it from her was the episode’s weakest point. She was waiting for that “special moment” when he stopped being so giving and instead acted like a total prick? Great message for the kids.

Sam’s Screwed (Again)
It was cute of the show to flash forward to a brief moment of Sam Merlotte happiness at the end of last season, because we all knew it was going to be short lived. Not only did he lose his Nicole in the attack, but he also has to deal with the public learning about his “condition” at the very worst possible time. It’s a crappy situation for the king of crappy situations, though the “You’re a dog! I just saw you — you’re a dog!” reveal was hilarious.

ERIC, QUESTION MARK?
Oh hey, yeah, that’s cool, leave Eric out because it’s not like WE’VE WAITED AN ENTIRE YEAR TO FIND OUT IF HE’S REALLY DEAD OR NOT, or anything. At least Pam seems to be getting closer to finding out the truth about the viking vampire’s fate — she’s navigated her way pretty far down the into the European vampire criminal underworld, and a successful game of Russian Roulette got her her first solid lead regarding his location. Next week, fingers crossed? I mean, because he’s definitely not dead. He can’t be. He. Can’t. Be.

What did you think of the episode, Truebies? Are you sad to lose Tara? Surprised to see her go? Do you think Sookie and Alcide are done for? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!

A real go-getter.
@ShaunnaLMurphy