Guys, let this be a lesson to you: Always use protection — or else you could face some painful consequences.
Pyros, a 26-year-old brown bear in the Pyrenees mountains between Spain and France, was living large by mating with every female bear around. Unfortunately, he’s now related to the entire next generation — and if he keeps breeding, it would threaten the colony’s genetic diversity through incest (and we all know where incest leads). So, for the good of his species, Pyros’s furry balls must be chopped.
“If he keeps up this sexual vigor and dominant attitude for a few more years, the other males in the mountains have no chance of mating with any of the females,” a wildlife official told Spanish newspaper La Vanguardia.
None of those other males have fathered a single cub in over 20 years, because Pyros is just too much of a stud. Brown bears normally lose their libidos around 19, but Pyros’s thirst just can’t be quenched.
However, officials are considering two other possibilities: 1) leaving Pyros alone, because he’s reaching the age when females will find him less attractive — losing his teeth and slowing down (unless he is like Jack Nicholson, in which case that will never happen) — and 2) exiling him to a bear sanctuary to live a sexless, lonely existence, because, even decrepit and sterilized, he may be too much of a c*ck-blocker for his species’ own good.