By Maurice Bobb
There are all kinds of defective, maladjusted, flawed, wounded and, let’s face it, unfit relationships out there and somehow, within the span of an hour Monday (May 19) night, “Love & Hip Hop Atlanta” managed to showcase them all.
Last week’s litany of lies, deceit and jealousy were trumped by last night’s messy gossip, gross derelictions of parental duty, ratchet wrestling and (excuse me while I throw up) finger-licking, crotch-caressing PDA.
First up was Stevie J, who took Joseline, his phonetically challenged bae out on the town to butter her up enough to co-sign postponing their “big white wedding” plans in order to focus on getting her bookings up. No romance without finance, right?
A tingling sense of foreboding crept in when they discussed dismissing Joseline’s booking agent, Dawn, because she’d apparently been slacking on landing her client plumb gigs.
While Joseline was breaking the Federal Communication Commission’s record for the use of the word “bitch” in one sitting (to describe her longtime agent), she didn’t she give any thought at all to the possibility of things going really, really bad after canning the one person that knows all her business.
I mean, with all the skeletons in Steebie and Joseline’s closet, Dawn could turn all of Atlanta into a gossipy graveyard.
Sure enough, jilted Dawn met with ATL’s resident sleuth, Mimi Faust, to spill the beans about Stevie’s allegedly fake marriage, fake finances and overall shady dealings.
In sadder news, Lil Scrappy pulled up to Bambi’s house only to learn that the woman he loves, but doesn’t “love,” had a miscarriage.
“I feel sorry for Bam, but it messed me up, too,” he said. “It got me twisted.”
Waka Flocka Flame made his 10-second cameo as a slumbering oaf lying in bed while his fiancé Tammy played fairy maiden, folding clothes and cleaning house.
Tammy reiterated her desire to begin their soon-to-be-married-life on the up and up, and Waka agreed.
“I’m down wit it,” he said. “I just want a baby.”
Speaking of babies, Kirk Frost set out to hire Jasmine, the young waitress from the bar, to be his son Karter’s nanny, unbeknownst to wife Rasheeda. The lady of the house got home and all but blew a gasket after Kirk’s waitress-turned-nanny said she was under the impression that he was separated and that the two of them were just “co-parenting in the same house.”
Calling Kirk an supreme idiot at this point would be an insult to idiots.
Enter Karlie Redd, who was so happy about opening up her posh lipstick kiosk in the mall that she called on her girls, including newbie castmember Kalenna, formerly of Diddy Dirty Money. (Sidenote: for those keeping count, that makes three former Bad Boy artists working the reality TV gig. Is this the official Diddy retirement plan?)
Anyway, Karlie lamented losing Yung Joc because of her ill-advised in-studio flirt session with R&B singer Jeremih.
“As much as he piss me off, I miss by boo,” she admitted.
Karlie had a foolproof plan to win her man back, though: licking Joc’s fingers as if he still had KFC spices on them and rubbing his crotch in what looked like your average everyday run-of-the-mill family restaurant. Nothing to see here, kids.
Serious question: Are we sure Karlie doesn’t have her own sextape coming out, too?
Benzino offered Sleezy a stake in Hip Hop Weekly magazine on the strength of healthy sales of the Steebie/Joseline marraige cover issue, but all that could go away once word gets out that their vow of holy matrimony is a sham.
Dawn came back for some comic relief when, in the midst of getting the pink slip from Stevie, she slipped in a few verbal jabs about his music career.
“Last time you had a hit was when Ronald muthaf–kin’ Reagan was in office,” she yelled.
Finally, there was the grand finale, the royal rumble. Maybe I’m the only one, but I was lightweight disappointed Michael Buffer wasn’t on hand to call the fight.
When Joc and Karlie headed over to look at the house they were supposed to be buying together, the rapper foolishly left his lady alone with the realtor-turned-side piece. Come on, Joc, that’s the #1 “don’t” in the player’s handbook. Your player card is hereby revoked for that one.
Not suprisingly, after Joc left the room, Karlie puts paws on the sexy realto, who had just confirmed her worst fears: She’s also sleeping with Joc. Thankfully, security came out of the woodwork to break up the fight. Karlie drove off, leaving Joc and his side piece in the dust.
“Love & Hip Hop Atlanta” airs on Monday nights at 8 p.m. on VH1.