The Pentagon has a plan to save you from zombies. Seriously.
CONPLAN 8888, also known as “Counter-Zombie Dominance,” was unclassified today and obtained by Foreign Policy. The document is 31 pages long and reads like a much crazier outline for “World War Z,” incorporating everything from the occult and chicken zombies to space alien zombies. This thing could fuel Hollywood with movie ideas through 2020.
As crazy as it all sounds, it’s not a joke, which is evidenced by the first line of report, “This plan was not actually designed as a joke.” The plan was originally compiled as a training exercise in composing such disaster plans, and was made so ridiculous that it wouldn’t be confused with a real guide if it ever leaked to the general public. Which, we have to say, is pretty ingenious. CONPLAN 8888 reads like a really good zombie novel, equal parts hilarious and terrifying.
Without further ado, here are 11 of the most incredible ways the U.S. government plans to stop the zombie apocalypse. Brad Pitt is not one of them. Yes, we’re bummed too.
11. Stop Chicken Zombies
The plan covers all types of zombies, from “Evil Magic Zombies” to “Space Zombies” to “Vegetarian Zombies,” but most terrifying of all are “Chicken Zombies.” Why? Because they actually exist. Hens are euthanized by farmers after they can’t lay eggs anymore, but sometimes aren’t quite dead and claw their way to the surface.
Thanks, Pentagon. There goes our dinner.
10. Establish Martial Law To Kill Robot Zombies
Well, any apocalypse movie aficionado could’ve told you that one, guys. As the report states, “Given the likelihood of an all-out threat to ‘human survival’, it is likely that this plan will be executed concurrently with a declaration of martial law within CONUS and U.S. territories.” In case the zombies are actually “robotic-organic” entities, you don’t have to worry about the law: just kill them however you can.
9. Zombie WMDs
Phase 1 of the plan states that, though zombies cannot be reasoned with, the government would first have to deter other nations from creating zombies, which would just be really frustrating, so don’t do it, guys.
8. The Laws Don’t Apply To Zombies
One of the big parts of a zombie apocalypse is that the zombies won’t play by the rules, and this plan makes it so that humans don’t have to, either. The plan specifically states that the Law Of Armed Combat, or LOAC, “will not apply to zombies.” So all those fantasies you’ve had about killing zombies with every household appliance imaginable? Those are not only legal, but encouraged. Congrats!
7. Burning Zombie Corpses
The plan explicitly states that the only way a zombie can be stopped is by destroying the brain stem, but it goes one step further by recommending the burning of all zombie corpses. One scary note: “EMZs are the only class of zombie that may not be vulnerable to this measure.” An EMZ is, of course, an “Evil Magic Zombie,” and duh, we know you can’t kill magic zombies with fire. Maybe we can just drop pianos on them.
6. Bad News For Atheists
Atheists better hope against the “Evil Magic Zombie” scenario, because the government will not only have to employ the Chaplain Corps to combat that threat, but the plan states that “atheists could be particularly vulnerable to EMZ threats.” Luckily, there are no atheists in zombie holes.
5. Use Hand Sanitizer
This is a great plan for two reasons. One, since most sanitizers say they kill 99 percent of bacteria, it might slow the progress of the virus. Two, it’s just good hygiene. Sure, 90 percent of the population might be dead, but at least we’ll be sanitary.
4. In Case of Emergency, Nuke ‘Em All
As a last ditch measure, the government will “employ nuclear weapons within CONUS to eradicate zombie hordes.”
Wait, what? The plan calls for a lot of no-brainer protective great, like barbed wire, mines, chemical agents and petroleum to create flame barriers (the plan clearly forgetting about the magic zombies’ immunity to flames). In addition, there’s those reliable zombie stoppers: sandbags.
This might slow down zombie Anakin Skywalker who, as everyone knows hates sand. It’s coarse, and it gets everywhere.
2. Strengthen Health Care
The plan recognizes that countries with better health care will recover more quickly and therefore be more able to curb the zombie threat.
Can someone tell us the rates of a zombie Obamacare package?
1. Comic Books And Movies Will Now Be “Intelligence”
To the delight of nerds everywhere, the guide states that officials will have to assume “worst-case scenarios derived from popular culture (books, movies, comic books)” will “adequately model zombie threats.”
See? It only took a real-but-fake plan for a hypothetical zombie apocalypse that might involve magic zombies to make our love of “The Walking Dead” practical. Take that, Mom and Dad!