Lady Gaga doesn’t do subtle. We can say with almost 100 percent certainty that there will never be a day when she releases an unplugged video where she’s sitting in a white-walled room, with no makeup and just jeans and a boyfriend t-shirt on, strumming a beat-up acoustic guitar under fluorescent lights.
It’s just not her thing. What is her thing are the kind of epic, over-the-top, million-dollar blow-out music videos that Michael Jackson used to make. (Spoiler alert: an MJ impersonator makes a cameo in the new one!) And that’s exactly what she unveiled Saturday night with the “G.U.Y. – An ARTPOP Film,” a nearly 12-minute epic that is not only the longest of her music videos, but also kind of a Gaga greatest hits montage.
From the winking, fabulous cameos to the luxurious setting (the famously opulent Hearst Castle), Gaultier outfits, obligatory nude shots, strident cultural commentary and well, so much more. Here are our picks for the 22 most Gaga moments of “G.U.Y.”
1. Why is it raining money and why are these businessmen fighting over it?
2. If it’s Gaga, you know she’s going to be naked … with an arrow in her back, no less.
3. And, now she’s topless, crawling from a smoldering money pit dressed as a kind of California-condor-meets-Icarus.
4. Gaga pulls an arrow from her chest … and sings to it.
5. She collapses in front of the gilded Hearst Castle and two beefcakes in designer garbage bags scoop her limp body up.
6. And now she’s like Jesus.
7. Why is that woman wearing a fancy hub cap around her neck?
8. Gaga gets baptized at the Castle’s outdoor Neptune Pool while wearing a giant flower headdress.
9. “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” play dress-up as Gaga’s all-girl country backing band. Nice tambourine work, Vanderpump!
10. “Watch What Happens Live” host Andy Cohen floats in the heavens as Himeros, Greek god of sexual desire.
11. There’s always gotta be a big dance number.
12. It’s 2014 and you’re at Hearst Castle, so, Esther Williams synchronized swimming tribute, check.
13. Whatever his weird teddy bear cut-out costume is.
14. Cleopatra Gaga visits the indoor male revue swimming hole.
15. Video game Gaga.
16. Gaga’s evil plot to revive Michael Jackson, Jesus and Gandhi is revealed! Wait, what?
17. Gaga surfs the “Lego Movie” trend, but, you know, artier.
18. The old Gandhi blood draw in preparation for cloning. You know how that goes.
19.A crow hat and giant crossbow money machine gun, because that’s a thing.
20. Big dance number #2.
21. An army of Gaga’s clone suits.
22. Four minutes of credits.