Someone call Michelle Obama, because we need to have a very serious discussion about Katy Perry’s eating habits. In the newly released video for “Dark Horse,” girlfriend is a pseudo-Egyptian royal demanding tributes of, as far as we can tell, snack foods and jewels.
While diamonds are well known for being low in calories (and high in bling), the massive bowls of Hot Cheetos presented to Queen Katy are…not. In the name of health and scientific curiosity (and maybe a little bit sucking up to the first lady, call us, Michelle! xo), we attempted to tot up the caloric heft of the snack foods delivered to Ms. Perry in the video.
Let the noshing begin.
Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
As we all know, KP is all about the Cheetos of the 170 calories per 1 oz. serving, that’s a grand total of 23,800 calories, 13,860 of them from fat. And that’s without the added benefit of alarmingly red poops. Chomp.
Twinkie Pyramid Surrounded By Macarons and Cupcakes
Pass the butter, we have a triple-whammy dessert masterpiece: What do you call it when you have an actual pyramid of Twinkies nestled amongst a mountain range of frosted cupcakes and what appear to be jumbo-sized French macarons? The PERFECT STORM, PERFECT STORM. (This song is about desserts, not sex, right? OK, cool.)
Let’s break this down, item by item. First off, that Twinkie tower. It looks both delectable and sturdy. In the name of structural integrity, let’s assume that it’s Twinkies through and through, not fragments glued onto a cardboard form (ahem, prop master). It would take, by our exacting calculations, a minimum of 240 snack cakes to build that feat of edible architecture. At 150 calories per cream-filled delight, that’s a whopping36,000 calories.
Let’s turn to an aerial view to get a better idea of the scope of the macaron/cupcake situation, shall we?
With our jeweler’s eye for detail, we peeped 92 buttercream-covered cupcakes in that snack boat, sailing a direct course to Katy’s throne and weird bejeweled teeth. Assuming they’re half chocolate, half vanilla (parity rules), let’s add another 18,800 calories to the tally.
You may not have known that macarons came in a size roughly the palm of your hand, but guess what? They totally do, or at least they do when you’re livin’ a teenage dream. They’re roughly twice the size of the normal itty-bitty variety of themselves, so we’ll use that for scale. There appear to be 17 of these meringue monstrosities on the platter, adding on a relatively modest 2,992 calories. (The recommended daily intake for a 29-year-old woman is 2,000 calories.)
Stacks ’O Doughnuts
It would be easy to overlook the actual towers of glazed donuts trailing the cupcake-Twinkie-macaron spectacle, but of course we didn’t overlook it. Forty-five Krispy Kremes await you, Katy, and their 7,200 calories too.
All in all, the manslaves paid tribute to Queen Katy with 88,792 calories condensed into delicious, snack-food form.
What all this tells us, of course, is that Katy Perry’s diet is severely lacking in protein. Hope you saved room for lunch, girlfriend. It’s time to get some wings.