‘American Horror Story: Coven’: The 7 Best Moments From ‘Protect the Coven’

The revolution will have crotchless panties.

Well, that was gory.

The latest episode of FX’s “American Horror Story: Coven” felt exceptionally gruesome — and not just because we traveled back in time with Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates).

Yes, we learned new details about the immortal LaLaurie’s past, but some of the most cringe-worthy moments came courtesy of a pair of garden shears in good ol’ 2014. There were plenty more revelatory moments during Wednesday’s (January 15) broadcast, including Madison’s (Emma Roberts) delightfully dirty campaign platform, Spalding’s (Denis O’Hare) creepy return and more than one major power shift.

Behold, seven key moments from “Protect the Coven.”

1. LaLaurie Has A Past
When we met Delphine LaLaurie in the first episode of the season, she was already well entrenched in her wicked, racist ways. As it turns out, LaLaurie wasn’t the most social of children and spent her days amputating animals for fun, just to see “how they fared or died.” She may have married well and joined high society, but old habits die hard and it’s not long before LaLaurie’s experiments turn to humans.

2. Queenie’s Got Skills
New skills, that is. Gabourey Sidibe’s living voodoo doll returns, and with Delphine’s head returned safely to its body, we might add. “No scars,” compliments FrankenKyle (Evan Peters). “If I had done you, you wouldn’t look like you’ve been jammed through a blender,” snaps Queenie. Who knew she had such a skill for sewing? But more importantly, how is Queenie still alive after being shot with a sliver bullet? Her shocking recovery leads the young witch to believe she could just be in line for the coveted supremacy.

3. Crotchless Panties For Everyone!
Our favorite Hollywood witch has a diva-sized meltdown when Kyle declares his love for Zoe (Taissa Farmiga). When Myrtle (Frances Conroy) calls her “the worst kind of Hollywood clich√©: a bobblehead with crotchless panties,” Madison is quick with the comeback. “Welcome to the revolution, Carrot Top,” she sneers. “As the next supreme, I’m going to drag this coven out of the dark ages. Crotchless panties for everyone!” Slow. Clap.

4. Spalding Is Back And Weirder Than We Thought
Fiona (Jessica Lange) and Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett) may have saved that snatched baby from Papa Legba last episode, but now the poor kid finds himself dressed in doll clothes and cradled in the dirty hands of the butler. “Finally, a living doll of my own,” Spalding mutters creepily in the attic.

5. We’ll Never Look At Garden Shears The Same
When LaLaurie can’t contain her thirst for blood, a poor gardener falls victim to her torment. No doubt it takes a strong stomach to watch what happens next — so we didn’t. With eyes hidden behind our hands, we listened and cringed as the coven’s maid used a pair of garden shears to snip off said gardener’s toes. Later, Cordelia (Sarah Paulson) would also use garden shears (presumably not the same pair… we hope) to gouge her own eyes out. Human sight is not nearly as powerful as the divine sight she possesses while blind.

6. We Owe Myrtle For The DVF Wrap Dress
We agree with Myrtle that Diane von Furstenberg’s wrap dress is “the greatest invention of the century,” but we certainly didn’t know that the red headed witch had a hand in its creation. While waxing poetic about young love, Myrtle tells Zoe that her own ex-boyfriend went on to marry Ms. DVF and that without his love and support, the designer never would have created her masterpiece. The speech worked in some capacity — Myrtle successfully convinced Zoe to run away from the coven with Kyle. Their next stop: Orlando.

7. A New Dawn For Fiona And Marie (Maybe)
With a little help from the Axeman (Danny Huston), Fiona and Marie successfully kill the entire corporation of witch hunters. Cut to a celebratory champagne toast between the two power witches as a new friendship is ushered in. But will it last? As Fiona leaves to reward her conquering hero, Delphine attempts to kill the immortal Marie. (Spalding hilariously convinces her that Benadryl will turn Marie mortal again, allowing her to drive a stake through her heart.) Her plan falls flat until Spalding suggests that Delphine bury Marie in the backyard, ensuring that she won’t be able to dig herself out.