By now, we are all aware that Taylor Swift has eschewed the traditional post-breakup “Häägen-Dazs/Crying in a bathtub” therapy session in favor of hitting the studio, presumably to write a bunch of songs about her ex, Harry Styles.
And, really, we shouldn’t be surprised. After all, penning breakup tracks is sort of what Taylor does best (and she probably got all her crying out of the way whilst onboard the S.S. Sadness). But what is rather shocking is how quickly those songs came to her … at least according to ever-reliable British tabloid The Sun, which “reports” that Swift has already written five songs about Styles.
“Taylor writes music in the same way that other women chat to their friends on the phone,” the paper quotes a source as saying. “It’s been how she deals with her emotions for most of her life.”
Of course, we’re skeptical about the whole thing (and not just because The Sun seems to be asserting that people still talk on the phone), but if there really are five new Swift songs out there … what would they sound like? Read on to find out!
“I Knew You Were Trouble, Pt. II”: Since the original was supposedly about Harry, Taylor pens a sequel, updating the lyrics to include lines like “Flew me to places I’d never been/like a resort in the British Virgin Islands.”
“This Song Was Originally For Jake”: Swift shows Styles just how little she cares about him by recycling a tune she had originally written for Jake Gyllenhaal. All she had to do was remove any references to his beard.
“Dear Harry”: On Swift’s most scathing breakup track to date, she accuses Styles of playing “even darker, more twisted games” and once again paints herself as “the girl in the dress who cried the whole way home.” The song is so brutal that Harry will eventually tell Rolling Stone that he was “humiliated” by it, which will be followed by his obligatory Playboy interview where he drops the phrase “sexual napalm,” compares his penis to David Duke. You know it’s gonna happen.
“Zayn Is Hotter”: A song that’s sure to get headlines — not to mention even more death threats from 1D fans — Swift openly pines for Styles’ bandmate, praising his hair and otherworldly bone structure. The tune ends with her rapping her phone number, telling Zayn to call her “any time.” The B-Side is just her singing the names of all the guys in the Wanted.
“Your Tattoos Are the Worst”: Because Styles inexplicably inked a pirate ship to his bicep.
Do you think Taylor will take Harry to task in her new songs? Let us know in the comments below.