"American Idol" wrapped up "The Season of the Girl" by handing the "Idol" crown to a boy. Season nine really was as inept as we all thought.
Sorry Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox, but Wednesday night's two-hour finale was really all about Simon Cowell. With the exception of David Cook and Adam Lambert, most of the past "Idol" favorites showed up — even ones Simon supposedly hates — to say goodbye to the guy who helped make them moderately successful. (Some crackpot audition rejects also performed with Dane Cook. It was supposed to make Simon squirm, and he did ... along with the rest of America.) Then Paula Abdul returned to the "Idol" stage in a bizarre appearance that can only be described as part roast, part intervention.
"Idol" producers booked lots of special guest stars from the '70s and '80s to duet with the top 12: Alice Cooper, Chicago, Joe Cocker, Daryl Hall and John Oates, the Bee Gees. It was one Charo away from being an episode of "The Love Boat."
Producers also double-dipped into the '90s Relics bin by inviting Alanis Morissette to duet with Crystal on a G-rated "You Oughta Know" and Christina Aguilera to perform with the top six girls for six seconds before booting them from the stage so she could sing her new 18-minute-long ballad.
The only contemporary artists were previous Idols. A very fierce Carrie Underwood served up "Undo It" and Kris Allen rocked his new single, "Yo, Seacrest, Your Microphone Is on During My Performance and That's Annoying." Kris was also on hand to give Lee and Crystal their new custom-designed Ford Fiestas. Interesting side note: The Ford Fiesta is a fraction of the cost of the cars Kris and Adam won last year. Even the sponsors realized this season sucked.
The night's biggest surprise was Casey James and Bret Michaels' duet. I'm still not sure what was more shocking: the fact that Bret Michaels was onstage even though he's still recovering from a life-threatening brain hemorrhage, or the fact that Casey James was one of the best performers of the night.
After Janet Jackson showed off a short, slicked-back 'do and General Larry Platt and William Hung showed off a lack of shame, Seacrest announced the winner the way Maury reveals paternity tests.
Lee DeWyze, you ARE the father.
Do you agree with the results? Do you think a girl can ever win "Idol" again? What was your favorite moment of the two-hour finale? Leave a comment below, and for more "Idol" insanity, follow me @jambajim.
Get your "Idol" fix on MTV News' "American Idol" page, where you'll find all the latest news, interviews and opinions.