Another episode of MTV's "When I Was 17" is behind us, and, well, we learned some things we just can't unlearn.
We now know the gnarly details of how Bret Michaels lost his virginity, the embarrassing ritual to which Kevin Jonas submitted his hair and the finer points of Katharine McPhee's efforts to stage a secretive sleepover with her high school boyfriend.
Don't say we never did nothing for you, OK? Surely your weekend is better for having Michaels walk you through his inaugural sex romp!
"I was the ultimate rocker-slash-jock. I was the rock jock," he explained. "I lost my virginity around 17. It involved a motorcycle, a blanket — I'm going to admit it — it was an 8-track pop-tape player at the Mechanicsburg Fish Hatchery."
We'll go ahead and give the Poison frontman the benefit of the doubt that a fish hatchery was a dope place to take a girl back in '80s-era rural Pennsylvania. Michaels may have known the perfect spot to bring the lucky lady, but he had no clue what to do once he got there.
"She was a little older than I was and much more experienced," he said. "She showed me things I never knew. I could safely say I was not skilled yet. I made a two-pump chump look good. So it wasn't my finest moment. But here's the good thing about sucking when you first start to lose your virginity: You can only get better."
Better is exactly what's happened to Jonas' hair since he was 17. To control what his friends called simply a terrible 'fro, the musician took extreme measures. "I flat-ironed my hair every single day, and it was a nightmare," he laughed. "It was pointy and spiky and flat. It was a typical Jersey thing, I guess, but a little bit more than the typical tape-up."
The things a high school kid will do to stay cool. Just ask "American Idol" runner-up Katharine McPhee, who admitted that she used to be "known as the serial dater."
"My boyfriend at the time, Kevin, we planned this sleepover at this other friend's house whose parents were out of town," she explained. "I told my dad, 'I'm going to sleep at Michelle's house.' There were a bunch of girls there and guys there. It was really fun. We all went to sleep, and it was, like, 3 in the morning. The house phone kept ringing, and I was like, 'Kevin!' I woke him up, I was like, 'Something's wrong. The phone keeps ringing.' He finally picks up the phone, and it's my dad. I just heard this deep, serious voice on the other line. I'm like, 'Holy sh--.' I thought in that moment I was going to die."
McPhee added: "I was grounded for two weeks."
Don't miss "When I Was 17," airing Saturday at 11 a.m. on MTV.