Looking for a rom-com fix this Valentine's weekend? Rather than fall for the calculated come-on of [movie id="430417"]"Valentine's Day,"[/movie] you might want to revisit some much better films instead. For example:

» "Jerry Maguire"

» "Moonstruck"

» "Knocked Up"

» "House of 1000 Corpses"

Okay, I exaggerate. "Valentine's Day" does have a few good lines, and a couple of lively performances. But the movie is overstuffed with plot and characters; they're confusing to keep up with, and not all that interesting even when you're able to figure them out.

The story takes place on ... well, you know what day it takes place on. Ashton Kutcher is a love-struck Los Angeles florist who's just proposed to his sleep-over girlfriend, Jessica Alba. "I can be a sappy moron all day," he crows, with unwarranted presumption, "because it's Valentine's Day." His best friend, Jennifer Garner, is happy for him, in part because she's finally found Mr. Right -- a doctor played by Patrick Dempsey, whose many endearing qualities include a talent for juggling fruit (among other things, if you get my meaning).

Meanwhile, Anne Hathaway is a lowly temp secretary (sure) who moonlights as a phone-sex dominatrix in order to pay off her sizeable college loan -- a sideline that weirds out her boyfriend, Topher Grace. Bradley Cooper finds himself seated on a plane next to Julia Roberts, an Army captain (uh huh) en route all the way from the Middle East to spend one day with someone special in L.A. At a local high school, Emma Roberts is planning to have first-time sex with her boyfriend, Carter Jenkins, while another student couple, Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner, is heading in that same direction. Football star Eric Dane is contemplating quitting the game because he has no sweetie; his cynical publicist, Jessica Biel, is preparing to throw her annual "I Hate Valentine's Day" party; TV sports reporter and commitment-phobe Jamie Foxx is fuming over being forced to shoot a man-on-the-street Valentine's Day piece; little Bryce Robinson is struggling with the pangs of first love (he's nine years old); and Shirley MacLaine and Hector Elizondo are celebrating 51 years of happy marriage when she suddenly confesses a long-buried secret (which drives him off to a screening of ... an old Shirley MacLaine movie).

Is Kutcher in for a surprise with his new fiancée? Has Garner possibly found Mr. Wrong? Can Grace learn to accept Hathaway for the lovable kook she is? Will Foxx and Biel see the Valentine light? Surely these are questions no one has to ask. And the picture is so crowded (George Lopez, Kathy Bates and Queen Latifah also wander through) that there's little room to develop most of the characters beyond simple personality doodles, and thus make us care about them.

In any case, it's hard to relate to people who are so maniacally excited about Valentine's Day. Fortunately, Foxx's outsize presence juices every scene he's in, Swift makes a winsome ditz, and Lautner gets off one of the movie's few sharp lines ("I'm a little uncomfortable taking my shirt off in public"). But the rest of this trite confection is a flavorless goop of weary clichés about the varieties of romantic love. The movie is designed to exploit the date-night ferment of its opening weekend, and nothing more. It has the radiant glow of a Hollywood pitch meeting.

Don't miss Kurt Loder's reviews of [article id="1631790"]"Percy Jackson & The Olympians,"[/article] [article id="1631784"]"The Wolfman"[/article] and [article id="1631732"]"Terribly Happy,"[/article] also new in theaters this week.

Check out everything we've got on "Valentine's Day."

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