UNIVERSAL CITY, California — To celebrate the premiere of this week’s theaters all over the country hosted “Saw Fest” marathons, unspooling all five movies for the low price of $15. But who’d voluntarily subject themselves to a fate as brutal as any game Jigsaw has ever dreamt up?
MTV News interns Kristen Freethy and Summer Barry, that’s who!
Armed with nothing more than a notepad, pen and petty cash for popcorn, our dynamic duo hit the theater to see what 10 hours of torture porn does to the human mind. Below is their diary, detailing all the thrills, chills and “High School Musical” death fantasies.
(If you haven’t seen the “Saw” movies, beware of spoilers ahead — including details from the yet-released “Saw V.” For more on the latest “Saw” flick, head to our Movies Blog for a review.)
3:45 p.m. (Summer): Kristen and I meet outside Hollywood’s Universal Studios theaters expecting a horde of crazy (and, most likely, disturbed) “Saw” fanatics. Instead, as we walk into the theater, we find ourselves doubling the audience.
4:02 p.m. (Kristen): Summer and I join the five other people sitting in the theater with our medium popcorns and large sodas. As the lights dim, we flash a hesitant look to each other. “Here we go!”
4:03 p.m. (Summer): A few more people straggle in, making a grand total of seven. The movie starts, and we already see the first dead guy. Well, that didn’t take long at all.
4:12 p.m. (Kristen): Second dead person. Walking on glass barefoot, he has to open a safe. Good luck, guy!
4:15 p.m. (Summer): Adam finds the saw, hence the movie title!
4:19 p.m. (Summer): Third guy dead — burned alive by a candle. I’m starting to sense a trend here: Everyone dies.
4:23 p.m. (Kristen): Two more people join the movie-theater party. A guy and his pregnant girlfriend? Hmm …
4:24 p.m. (Kristen): First sign of Jigsaw.
4:52 p.m. (Kristen): Jigsaw is shot. Summer shouts, “Shoot him again!” I knew she was a closet horror fan!
5:22 p.m. (Summer): Adam and Dr. Lawrence are out of time — now the movie is really starting to pick up! Legs are being sawed off, people are being shot. Dead people are actually not dead, and the movie comes to an end with a pretty impressive plot twist.
5:29 p.m. (Kristen): The doctor begins to saw his foot off. Meanwhile, I’m thinking I have eight more hours of “Saw” movies …
5:34 p.m. (Kristen): Summer and I impersonate the cheesy final lines of the movie in their voices. Summer goes, “If I don’t get help, I will bleed to death!” I respond, “I wouldn’t lie to you!”
5:36 p.m. (Kristen): The end credits begin to roll. For some reason, one guy in the theater laughs.
5:38 p.m. (Summer): Kristen and I emerge back into the real world of sunlight and happy people at Universal CityWalk, taking a breather before returning to eight more hours of death, dismemberment and torture porn. A guy overhears us talking about the “Saw Fest” and exclaims, “I couldn’t think of anything I would rather do less!”
6 p.m. (Summer): begins with another murder scene. The crowd has grown to eight people, but we’re pretty sure the new guy works here.
6:25 p.m. (Kristen): People are dying in a house. One girl dies by suffocation — what a cop-out! I want carnage, dammit!
7 p.m. (Summer): An hour into the movie, I am finding myself bored. The sequel isn’t keeping me on my toes quite as much, and the novelty of blood is wearing off.
7:14 p.m. (Kristen): We have made two bathroom runs apiece. We go separately, which is a bad idea since the deserted restroom keeps making us think Jigsaw will pop up in the next stall at any minute. I tell Summer if I’m not back in five minutes, call 911.
8:15 p.m. (Summer): The third movie is about to start. I’m telling myself, ” is like a Wednesday, the hump day of the week — get through this, and it’s smooth sailing from here.”
8:17 p.m. (Kristen): An FBI agent dies, having her rib cage ripped out. Well, that’s something I haven’t seen before.
8:40 p.m. (Summer): Jigsaw kills a woman by hanging her naked and making her freeze into an ice block. I think this is the worst death I’ve seen so far. I’m cold just thinking about it. Does this theater sell hot cocoa?
8:45 p.m. (Kristen): We have a whispered, five-minute conversation in the back of the theater about our personal worst ways to die. Summer goes with the freezing; I sympathize with the dude who drowns in pig guts.
8:53 p.m. (Summer): This is getting a bit ridiculous. Is the idea for people to start throwing up?
9 p.m. (Summer): Jigsaw’s brain is getting drilled into. I guess the answer to my previous question is “yes.”
9 p.m. (Kristen): Summer looks over and catches me with my hands over my eyes during a murder. I’m so embarrassed! It’s the first time I’ve wimped out.
10 p.m. (Summer): opens with an autopsy of a naked Jigsaw — I find myself strangely fascinated by his genitals. They rip his face off, then cut him open — I assume they are going for shock value here. Oddly, I discover it’s not working on me. I suddenly realize I’m becoming immune to blood, gore and torture. This can’t be good.
10:06 p.m. (Kristen): Jigsaw’s latest trap has one guy with his eyes ripped out stumbling around blind, while another guy has his lips sewn shut and can’t talk. Driven to the point of deliriousness, Summer and I begin laughing.
10:21 p.m. (Kristen): Wait, Luke from “Gilmore Girls” is in this?
10:45 p.m. (Summer): These plots are getting way too convoluted. I ask Kristen what’s going on, and with wild eyes, she responds loudly, “Who cares? All you need to know is that everyone’s going to die!”
11:30 p.m. (Summer): The movie ends, and I realize I wasn’t scared once … which is actually kind of scary.
11:52 p.m. (Kristen): During the intermission, we run to the lobby to restock our candy supplies. Suddenly, a theater door opens up and half a dozen kids come out of a show, singing and dancing. We begin imagining what they’d look like drowning in pig guts.
Midnight (Kristen): A new guy sits a few rows back and says, “If you girls are scared, you can sit next to me.” Hey, buddy, we’ve been here since 4 p.m., when you were probably at home watching “Oprah.”
12:01 a.m. (Summer): The audience has grown to a whopping 35 people as “Saw V” premieres. It’s nice to hear a bit more enthusiasm from the crowd.
12:23 a.m. (Summer): The movie opens with a guy being chopped in half. This does not surprise me, but what does is that the theater erupts with cheers. The question goes from “What have I become?” to “Who are these people I’m surrounded by?”
12:23 a.m. (Kristen): A guy is chained to a table and sawed in half. This is original — not!
12:37 a.m. (Summer): Five people find themselves in one of Jigsaw’s torture games (even though he’s been dead to us since approximately 9 p.m.), but these victims think that knowing his “rules” will get them out alive. If that’s the case, Kristen and I should invite Tobin Bell over for a tea party.
1:23 a.m. (Summer): The characters are fighting for their lives but keep walking into dark rooms. Kristen and I are in full-blown conversation with the screen, yelling out advice to the characters. For some reason, they don’t listen to us.
1:48 a.m. (Kristen): Luke from “Gilmore Girls” dies! What would Lorelai say?
1:50 a.m. (Kristen): WE MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Is this real? Am I still here? What time is it? A guy sitting near us hasn’t moved once through all 10 hours — he even stared at the blank screen during the intermissions. Is he going to kill me and chop me into little pieces?
1:50 a.m. (Summer): The movie ends with a clear opening for yet another sequel. I might have to come back and see it next year, just so I can continue to claim I’ve seen every “Saw” film (an accomplishment that will undoubtedly make my parents as proud as my graduation from USC in seven months). I need to go home and sleep — I just hope there isn’t someone there dressed as a pig, waiting to abduct me.
Check out everything we’ve got on “Saw V.”
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