Teenage Fanclub

My favorite groupies are the Beatles and the Rolling Stones.

(Victor & Ti) My favorite groupies are the Beatles and the Rolling Stones.

(EDIE) Right on.

(HOST) Why did you start the band initially?

(EDIE) To meet David Geffen.

(Victor & Ti) Thinking ....

(HOST) Or just "serious drugs?"

(Victor & Ti) That's it exactly.

(STARBURST) Fame.

(SHEASHY) Drugs?

(STARBURST) Fortune.

(Victor & Ti) No: the pumps and groupies.

(STARBURST) Love.

(DEMO) Shoes.

(HOST) Mustard.

(STARBURST) Panties. Hotdogs.

(EDIE) Wittengstein.

(EDIE) Hagel.

(SHEASHY) Hegel!

(Victor & Ti) OK, that's enough philosophers for one day.

(STARBURST) Baklava.

(DEMO) Balloons and McDonalds.

(HOST) I always think parents' reactions to their kids' bands are hilarious. What do your families think of the albums and your gigs?

(Victor & Ti) They think we're way cool.

(EDIE) Do they go and see you play?

(Victor & Ti) Occasionally.

(HOST) When did you both start playing?

(Victor & Ti) We started playing in 1989.

(EDIE) Do they know the words to your songs?

(Victor & Ti) All of them except the swear words.

(EDIE) They sing them in the shower while brushing their teeth.

(DEMO) Do you have a van or a bus?

(SHEASHY) Hatchback.

(DEMO) Bug.

(STARBURST) Hundiiiiii.

(Victor & Ti) A bus. A posh bus.

(EDIE) Gremlin hatchback.

(KICK ME): Pacer.

(DEMO) VCR?

(SHEASHY) Yugo.

(DEMO) Porno tapes?

(HOST) Or do you just roller-skate to gigs with your amps on your backs?

(Victor & Ti) We roller-skate to gigs with the bus on our backs.

(EDIE) Do you like Björk?

(STARBURST) What? Do I like pork? The other white meat?

(SHEASHY) Like, you know, Björk!

(HOST) Have you seen any of the fansites your fans put on-line?

(Victor & Ti) We have seen Chris' page of fun!

(HOST) And what do you think?

(Victor & Ti) Bloody marvelous!

(CHRIS) Well, that one changed names a month or so back. It's not fun anymore.

(KICK ME): Nothing is.

(Victor & Ti) We haven't been home for over a month.

(HOST) Is that hard for you or do you enjoy traveling?

(SHEASHY) Do you like motels?

(DEMO) Have you been to Japan?

(Victor & Ti) Yes and yes. And yes.

(HOST) Yes?

(Victor & Ti) Yes to all.

(SHEASHY) What part of the motel is your favorite?

(EDIE) The leaky faucet.

(HOST) The vibrating bed?

(Victor & Ti) The mirrored ceiling.

(EDIE) The stinky sheets.

(STARBURST) Courteous service.

(EDIE) Cable.

(SHEASHY) The complementary masseuse?

(HOST) Room service?

(EDIE) Capable room service.

(STARBURST) "Neighbors?"

(Victor & Ti) I didn't think you've got "Neighbors" in this country.

(EDIE) I used to watch "Neighbors" in Australia. Loved it.

(HOST) Nope, just "ABFAB." Actually, I saw "Neighbors" when I was in Bermuda. Wow, talk about low budget, you could see the boom mike.

(Victor & Ti) Do you like Kylie Minogue?

(EDIE) She's very popular there. Cute, I think.

(Victor & Ti) But she can't sing.

(SHEASHY) But she's got zing.

(HOST) I think she should be picked and studied for scientific purposes.

(EDIE) Her sister is an abomination.

(STARBURST) Such pep.

(EDIE) Very perky.

(HOST) It's a pretty basic question, but why did you pick the name Teenage Fanclub?

(STARBURST) Do tell.

(SHEASHY) A game of Pictionary?

(HOST) Or Ouija?

(Victor & Ti) It sounded stupid enough at the time.

(HOST) What were the other options, if I may ask?

(STARBURST) Teenage Dirt Bags.

(Victor & Ti) Deadly Geometry.

(HOST) Gawd.

(SHEASHY) Kickin'.

(STARBURST) Teenage Acne Club.

(SHEASHY) Club Teenagers.

(STARBURST) This Space For Rent.

(Victor & Ti) We wanted to use "Classix Nouveaux," but it had already gone.

(HOST) What's lined up for your fall tour?

(Victor & Ti) Nothing definite so far.

(EDIE) What do you do when you are not touring?

(STARBURST) Surf the web?

(SHEASHY) How do you surf a web?

(STARBURST) Like this.

(EDIE) Slowly and methodically.

(HOST) With a big board.

(HOST) How do you decide what tracks make it on album? Do you ever save leftover tracks for the next album or just ditch them?

(Victor & Ti) The way we record now, is to record the whole album and use all the songs.

(SHEASHY) In one session?

(Victor & Ti) Yes, indeedy.

(EDIE) Do you write songs for your other rock star friends?

(Victor & Ti) All the time, but it's a bit of a secret. We actually wrote 73% of all cool records last year.

(EDIE) Thought so.

(HOST) Then you must be very rich and I'll let you buy me dinner the next time you're in N.Y.C.

(EDIE) Even Michael Jackson's "Scream?" You wrote that, right?

(Victor & Ti) Oh, yes, we wrote that. We've got the next 7 Michael Jackson albums written already. The grunge one is the one after next.

(HOST) God, you have a lot to answer for then.

(SHEASHY) Or very little.

(Victor & Ti) We've written a grunge album for Pavarotti. Called "Pavagrungie."

(HOST) Pavarotti Unbelted?

(EDIE) But wait, I thought grunge was dead.

(DEMO) So is opera.

(SHEASHY) So is Jerry.

(HOST) Have you seen the East Village lately? Grunge will never die here.

(STARBURST) Neither will the stench of urine.

(HOST) It's the official smell of N.Y.C.

(EDIE) Grunge is a parody of itself.

(Victor & Ti) We've written an opera for Sylvester Stallone, It's called "Pavarocki."

(EDIE) How grunge is Starbucks?

(DEMO) Starbucks = scrunge.

(HOST) Starbucks is totally punk rock.

(STARBURST) "Pavarocki" sponsored by Starbucks. "Pavarocki On Ice."

(Victor & Ti) No, that's "Pavarocki III."

(STARBURST) "Pavarocki" is nice.

(EDIE) Starbucks is a government conspiracy, mark my words.

(SHEASHY) Starbucks = truth.

(STARBURST) Truth = god.

(SHEASHY) N.Y.C. = lies.

(HOST) The media is the Starbucks.

(EDIE) Starbucks will be president.

(EDIE) Did Slash play on your album?

(Victor & Ti) No, we played the guitars on his.

(Victor & Ti) Has anyone read Paradise Lost?

(STARBURST) Who wrote Paradise Lost?

(EDIE) Please don't embarrass us.

(HOST) Sorry, T.F. We have a weirdo on-line here.

(HOST) Do you read a lot on tour or don't you have time?

(Victor & Ti) Some of us do, some of us don't.

(STARBURST) What do you read?

(Victor & Ti) Everything and anything. I'm reading Michael Powell's autobiography.

(STARBURST) Do you read Mad Magazine?

(Victor & Ti) I used to read Mad Magazine when I was 13.

(EDIE) What about Tristessa by Jack Kerouac?

(Victor & Ti) Gerry bought the 1st edition of The Town and the City by "John Kerouac."

(STARBURST) That's worth a lot of money now.

(EDIE) How much did it cost?

(Victor & Ti) $95 exactly.

(EDIE) That is a bargain!

(HOST) Coca-Cola, are you logging in from the U.K.?

(COCA-COLA) Yes, from Glasgow, have I missed it or hasn't it started?

(Victor & Ti) No, we're still here.

(DEMO) You're in the thick of it.

(HOST) You're on with Teenage Fanclub.

(STARBURST) What time is it in the UK?

(Victor & Ti) 11:30 p.m.

(EDIE) Do you have a first edition of Paradise Lost?

(Victor & Ti) We've got the demo. It's much better.

(HOST) Do you two collect anything, other than books?

(Victor & Ti) Snow-globes and ice sculpture. How's the weather in Glesga?

(COCA-COLA) It is a bit cloudy, but really muggy/hot, supposed to be nice all next week. The T in the Park weather was brilliant.

(Victor & Ti) That's the worst spell of weather I've seen in a long time.

(HOST) Are you two burnt out on interviews yet? You must have done hundreds.

(Victor & Ti) Thousands. Hundreds and thousands.

(HOST) What's the stupidest question writers ask you?

(EDIE) How's the weather?

(Victor & Ti) We enjoyed a cool August day in Phoenix yesterday. It was only 103.

(CHRIS) 103? Not bad. It's only 107 here.

(SHEASHY) How did you get into Teenage Fan Club, Coke?

(COCA-COLA) I saw them supporting Alex Chilton at the Glasgow Tech, had seen the Boy Hairdressers before that.

(DEMO) What was the best song you heard on Phoenix radio?

(EDIE) "Scream," by Michael.

(HOST) Are you playing tonight or are you off now?

(Victor & Ti) Yes, we're playing tonight.

(STARBURST) Where?

(Victor & Ti) At Universal Amphitheater in L.A.

(EDIE) You should go to the Canyon Ranch.

(Victor & Ti) Coca-cola, you're flat. That was the BMX Bandits.

(COCA-COLA) No it wasn't. Sure that was them. I suppose you would know come to think of it. I met Norman in the Horseshoe before the show.

(Victor & Ti) Believe me, Coca-Cola. It was the BMX Bandits.

(DEMO) Fight!

(HOST) Do you get bored playing the same set every time or do you change the songs around to stay on your toes?

(Victor & Ti) No, we like to keep the whole part of our feet on the floor at the same time.

(STARBURST) I've seen the best minds of my generation, starving, naked, hysterical ...

(HOST) And they all work at SonicNet.

(COCA-COLA) Erm, anyway, supporting Fini Tribe at the Third Eye center ... was that you?

(Victor & Ti) No, that was the Boy Hairdressers.

(HOST) Hmm, Coke might be one of your groupies.

(COCA-COLA) (HOST) I don't think I'm a groupie, I have never knowingly ... erm ... well you know, thingy.

(HOST) Who are you playing with tonight? Are you still gigging with Wheezer?

(Victor & Ti) Yes, we are.

(DEMO) Who loves Wheezer?

(SHEASHY) Bleah.

(COCA-COLA) Victor: What was the first ever Teenage Fan Club pop concert then?

(Victor & Ti) U.L.U London. November, 1989, supporting "The Pastels", the "Pale Saints" and "Ride."

(HOST) How do you psych yourselves up for a gig? Any secret rituals?

(Victor & Ti) We run naked through the suburbs of the town we're playing in, for 3 hours, covered in blue paint, singing the Ethiopian national anthem, doing cartwheels with one hand tied behind our backs. But that's a secret.

(SHEASHY) That sounds like performance art.

(Victor & Ti) Exactly. We're performance artists.

(COCA-COLA) What other bands in Glasgow would you like to tell the world about?

(Victor & Ti) 18 Wheeler, although they've moved to London now. They're very much Scottish.

(Victor & Ti) Caledonian Pop is the bee's knees.

(DEMO) I'll be your virtual groupie.

(Victor & Ti) We'll respect each other in the virtual morning.

(DEMO) And it's all so squeaky clean no matter how raunchy it gets. Kiss kiss bye bye.

(Victor & Ti) Raunchy is an illegal word in Scotland -- 25 years imprisonment. Where's the Host. Still there?

(HOST) I'm here. Just having a cigarette. Sorry.

(Victor & Ti) Smoking is bad for your health.

(HOST) I know. I just had to.

(COCA-COLA) Oh its quiet ... erm, Fanny Folks, were you at the Kim Fowley show in Glasgow? What did you think?

(Victor & Ti) Yes, we were at the Kim Fowley show.

(COCA-COLA) Did you like it?

(Victor & Ti) Our opinions were various. He kicked our collective ass.

(HOST) Have you met any of your idols since you started the band? I know some bands say it's bad because you get disillusioned when they're rude or stupid or both.

(Victor & Ti) Jason Priestly.

(HOST) Really? That's so odd.

(Victor & Ti) Jason lived up to all our expectations.

(HOST) Explain ...

(Victor & Ti) Naomi Campbell. She did some demos with us.

(HOST) Nothing that showed up on her "Babywoman" album, I hope. That sunk without a trace, thankfully.

(Victor & Ti) Yes, we were called in to revive her career.

(HOST) Is there anyone you would seriously consider collaborating with?

(Victor & Ti) Esquival and the remaining Beatles, at the same time.

(COCA-COLA) Have you met Kylie?

(Victor & Ti) Yes, she has a crush on us. Kylie's our bus driver in this country.

(HOST) What, you couldn't get Sandra Bullock?

(COCA-COLA) She was ace at T in the Park.

(Victor & Ti) Ace is an illegal word in Scotland - 35 years in Barlinnie.

(COCA-COLA) Any future collaborations with Frank Black planned?

(Victor & Ti) We're meeting him later today. We're going to collaborate on some food.

(COCA-COLA) Can you ask him if I can get the rest of my money back for the SECC show?

(Victor & Ti) I think everyone lost out of that deal, Coca-Cola.

(HOST) Is he still without a record deal or did someone pick him up?

(Victor & Ti) I don't know. He's just finished a new album. Hopefully we'll get to hear it later today.

(HOST) For whom?

(Victor & Ti) I don't know whether he has a record deal yet, but he definitely has a new record.

(HOST) You'll have to give us the scoop, when you hear it. Well, thank you for coming on-line with SonicNet. We really enjoyed talking to you. Any last word for your fans?

(Victor & Ti) Hurrah! C ye's au efter!

(HOST) Hope this was more amusing than some of your usual interviews.

(Victor & Ti) Yes, much more.

(HOST) Thanks, (and thanks to Cybele). Enjoy the rest of the tour and we'll look forward to seeing you in N.Y.C. this fall. Cheers!

(Victor & Ti) Thanks, and see you all later!