A Jason Statham movie has a few certainties: Jason will beat the crap out of some bad guys. Jason will shoot other bad guys, and they will die from their gunshot wounds. And Jason will seduce a young lady or two.
I'm confident that Mr. Statham can beat people up. He's probably good at shooting things and making things blow up, too. It was the last part that produced some skepticism in me, having never heard any female friend of mine gush about Jason Statham the way they had about, say, Channing Tatum or Matt Damon or Steve Zahn.
And so I set out on a mission — a very weird, incredibly amateur, completely meaningless, thoroughly unofficial mission — to ask every female I knew (meaning, every female I knew willing to answer a question that will be posted on the Internet about Jason Statham) the question that's been on all of our minds ever since he first unleashed those dashing blues (NOTE: No idea of his actual eye color) on us in "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels": Does the "Parker" star do it for you?
Needless to say, the results were satisfyingly diverse.
1. THE 'I'M NOT INTO BALD GUYS EXCEPT BILLY ZANE' DIVISION
"He does NOT do it for me, period. We must not be genetically compatible." "Not into him. I like pretty boys. He's not pretty." "He's just not my cup of tea." "Unremarkable. Short, and bald. I feel like if I saw him on the street, I would be unimpressed." "Nope, not attracted to him. I did love the first 'Transporter' movie. Still have the gem on VHS — thanks Blockbuster discount bin. But for some reason, his scowling face never worked on my loins. I think he's a bit like silly putty with a hard smoker voice. Sorry, Jase." "No. For one, he's bald, and I'm not really into bald guys except Billy Zane. Also he's just boring, and he seems like he has zero personality. I mean I am pissed about the Olivia Wilde / Jason Sudeikis relationship, but I would 100% date Jason Sudeikis over Jason Statham." "Not particularly. He seems sort of generic-ish for me." "No. He's a little too rough around the edges for me." "Not really. He's too rough and has too much of a no-neck." "No, not so much. When he's playing some badass character he's kinda hot. Then you see him smile in an interview or something and it's over, for me at least. In other words, he's one of those his-personality-makes-him-hot dudes, but since being a badass is not his real personality, he's not actually hot. Sorry Jason Statham, but ya blew it."
2. THE 'AIN'T NO SUCH THING AS HALFWAY BALD' DIVISION
"Nay. His hair is so weird. Like, if you're balding, just own up to the fact that you're balding. And he's also just too sulky for me. I don't think I've ever seen him smile. Ever." "No. Either be fully bald or not bald. You can't be in the middle. He looks way better with a hat on." "I don't understand his hair. Are you bald or not? Either one is fine. Just not half."
3. THE 'HE LOOKS LIKE HE BEATS WOMEN' DIVISION
"I think he straddles the line. He's one of those people I think is technically attractive but I would be scared to be in the same room as him." "He looks old and like he is going to hit me if I sassed him." "I WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Why? Because he looks like he beats women."
4. THE '(SHRUG) I GUESS SO' DIVISION
"He's not bad. Not amazing. Okay." "The British guy? I mean he plays a witty badass, generally. And is a Brit. Yeah, he's pretty attractive. And not unattainable like Brad Pitt." "He's kind of tough looking. Badass. He also has a British accent, so." "Pretty good face. Kind of bald, though." "I think his accent is hot and his badass persona is hot. But his hair bothers me, or lack there of. I don't know. I guess I'd do him." "I only find him attractive when he smiles, which isn't often."
5. THE 'HE'S NOT HOT, BUT MAN IS HE SEXIFIED' DIVISION
"Not hot, but sexy. He's a badass with a British accent." "Physically hot? Not so much. As for becoming sexy because of his James Bond-esque confidence, sultry voice and badass attitude, that makes him sexy." "I wouldn't say he's hot. Sexy, though. Is that a common response?"
6. THE 'I LOVE HIS 'I CAN KILL A GORILLA' LOOK' DIVISION
"Yes, I think he is hot, even though he is sort of bald. He has a real bad boy look. And I always feel like he's giving this seductive sort of look. Plus he's ripped. And he's British, right?" "Yes! I was just talking to another friend about him. He is sexy and he has a hint of bad boy that leaves you querying about him and not running from him. He is also an amazing actor and I would love to have a drink with him and pick his brain about life. And he's not overexposed in the media, like Brad Pitt." "Of course. It's the mysterious eyes. And his 'bad boy' aura." "Yeah, he's good-looking! First off, the accent. And the 'I can kill a gorilla' look is pretty sexy." "Really hot. The accent. I mean, he has a hot British accent which for Americans makes him somehow seem proper. And yet, he looks like he could beat a lot of people up. I like his shaved head, and how mean he looks. It's kind of the opposite of the female paradigm — that men want a woman who is sweet on the outside but crazy in bed — he seems like he'd be crazy to everyone else but treat his woman nicely. OBVIOUSLY THAT'S A COMPLETE FANTASY THAT NEVER PLAYS OUT IN THE REAL WORLD."
7. THE 'THIS GIRL REALLY, REALLY LIKES JASON STATHAM AND SENT ME YOUTUBE CLIPS ABOUT IT' DIVISION
"Well, obviously in all his movies, he kicks ass and looks so hot doing it, has an amazing body, doesn't deal with bullshit but has a sensitive side, has the sexiest voice and accent and a really cute smile for his tough demeanor. I'm going to send you clips of him so you can experience first hand what I'm talking about. If "Crank" is the only movie you've seen him in, you are missing out. He wears this hideous hospital gown in 95% of the movie which does not do his body justice. Here, watch this:
8. THE 'I ASKED MY MOM WHO HAS NO IDEA WHO JASON STATHAM IS' DIVISION
(following a Google image) "He seems like a nice person."
9. THE 'LIVE WITH KELLY AND JASON' DIVISION
The following conversation occurred after the question was asked:
"I can't really comment, I haven't seen him on 'Kelly' yet."