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The 40 Dirtiest 'Friends' Jokes Ever

That's what she said!

"Friends" may have initially hit the big time on prime time thanks to all the Rachel and Ross lobster business and the epic Joey and Chandler bracelet buddies stuff, but now that it's rerunning interruption-free and in uncut edition by way of Netflix (Thank you, 2015!), we can fully enjoy the bounty of tongue-in-cheek jokes our favorite episodes have to offer.

Some of these quips are so dirty we're kinda surprised the censors didn't send 'em the way of Joey's shower curtain when Rachel moved in. Here are the 40 dirtiest, by our count.

Sailor Joe

Rachel: How do you get the main sail up?

Joey: Uh, rub it?

("The One With Phoebe's Cookies," 7.03)

Roommate Compatability Test

Joey: I'm going to say a word, and then you say the first thing that comes to mind.

Girl: I can do that.

Joey: Okay. Here we go. Pillow.

Girl: Fight.

Joey: Very good. Okay, G.

Girl: String?

Joey: Excellent. Okay, doggy.

Girl: Kitten?

Joey: Oooh, sorry. So close though. But you know, bye bye.

("The One With Ross's Denial," 6.03)

Cozy in the Canoe

Chandler: Come in, have a seat. Bow or stern?

Kathy: I don't really have a preference. You?

Chandler: I like it in the stern. Of the boat.

("The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line," 4.07)

Racy Resolutions

Ross: I'm gonna make myself happy.

Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room?

("The One With All the Resolutions," 5.11)

Mrs. Pacman, Ooh La La

Monica: Hey, wait a minute, this one isn't dirty.

Chandler: It is when you put it together with that one.

Monica: Ah, well if you don't clear this off, you won't be getting one of those from me.

("The One Where Joey Dates Rachel," 8.12)

Mushy Museum Moment

Rachel: Oh honey, that's okay. It doesn't matter.

Ross: What? Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.

Rachel: Oh, thank God.

("The One Where Ross and Rachel ... You Know," 2.15)

Ben's Lunch

Ross: Would you guys grow up? This is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world.

Joey: Yeah, we know. But there's a baby sucking on it.

("The One With the Breast Milk," 2.02)

Scratching an Itch

Cliff: Wow. I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me.

Phoebe: Relax, it's not like we're forking.

("The One Where Rachel Has a Baby," 8.24)

Prehistoric Pressure

Ross: Australopithecus was never fully erect.

Chandler: Maybe he was nervous.

("The One Where Ross and Rachel ... You Know," 2.15)

Bang, Rachel, Bang!

Rachel: If it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.

("The One With the Giant Poking Device," 3.08)

Spin the Bottle

(Spins the bottle and it lands on himself.) Chandler: Story of my life.

(Spins the bottle and it lands on Joshua.) Chandler: Story of my father's life.

("The One With the Fake Party," 4.16)

Table for One

Rachel: I just had a great time with my self.

Chandler: Well, this could be a good story.

("The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line," 4.07)

Condoms for the Apocalypse

Monica: Candy bars, crossword puzzles.

Phoebe: Ooh, Mad Libs. Mine!

Chandler: Condoms?

Joey: Well, you don't know how long we're gonna be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth.

Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that.

("The One With the Kips," 5.05)

Fun with Pet Names

Joey: Hey, wouldn't it be cool if our duck and our chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.

Chandler: Or Dick.

("The One With Ross' Thing," 3.23)

U-N-I-sex Bag

Joey: But it is odd how a woman's purse looks good on me, a man.

Rachel: Exactly, unisex!

Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.

Rachel: No, no, Joey. U-N-I-sex.

Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.

("The One with Joey's Bag," 5.13)

Awkward Dad Stuff

Paul: Chandler, did your dad ever hug you?

Chandler: No, did he hug you?

("The One With the Ring," 6.23)

Boss in the Bedroom

Rachel: And the fact that you were jeopardizing my career never entered your mind?

Chandler: It did enter my mind, but then something happened that made it shoot right out.

("The One With the Cuffs," 4.03)

Boyfriend Bonfire

Pheobe: And now we need the semen of a righteous man.

Rachael: Well, if we had that we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

("The One With the Candy Hearts," 1.14)

Bracelet Buddies

Joey: Oh, and do you have any idea what this will do for your sex life?

Chandler: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first, but once I get used to the extra weight I'll be back on track.

("The One With the Prom Video," 2.14)

Twisted Twister

Joey: Ross, switch places with me and Phoebe could be your number two.

("The One with George Stephanopoulos," 1.04)

In a Box

Chandler: What the hell happened? How are you locked in there? Where the hell's all of our stuff?

Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit, and he said he didn't think it wasn't big enough to fit a grown man.

Chandler: So, you got in voluntarily?

Joey: I was trying to make a sale. You know, if I ever run into that guy again, you know what I'm going to do?

Chandler: Bend over?

("The One With the Cat," 4.02)

Chandler Knew It

Rachel: Hey, just so you know, it's notthat common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!

Chandler: I knew it!

("The One With the Jellyfish," 4.01)

I'm Nipotent

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

Joey: Probably kill myself.

Monica: Excuse me?

Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live.

Ross: Joey, omnipotent.

Joey: You are? Ross, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I thought it was like a theoretical question.

("The One with George Stephanopoulos," 1.04)

Communal Hygiene

Joey: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?

Chandler: Because soap is soap. It's self cleansing!

Joey: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

("The One Where Joey Moves Out," 2.16)

Shower Sensation

Ross: I was in the shower, and I felt something.

Chandler: Was it like a sneeze, only better?

("The One With Ross's Thing," 3.23)


Chandler: That's one?

Monica: Kind of an important one.

Chandler: Oh, you know what? I was looking at it upside down.

Rachel: Well, you know, sometimes that helps.

("The One With Phoebe's Uterus," 4.11)

The Dollhouse

Monica: But no, it was to be looked at but never played with.

Chandler: My grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.

("The One With the Dollhouse," 3.20)

Dark Side of the Bedroom

Chandler: I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, you know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Ross: Yeah, and it's not that we don't like the comedian. It's just that that's not why we bought the ticket.

Chandler: You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. You know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic -- basically, just trying to stay awake.

Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice. Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

("The One With the Sonogram at the End," 1.02)

Shower Power

Monica: By the way, I was just checking the shower massager.

("The One With the Dollhouse," 3.20)

Joey's Porno Movie

Chandler: This is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

Monica: She better get the job.

Ross: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

("The One With Phoebe's Husband," 2.04)

Excited to Se(at) You

Rachel: Whoa, what's that?

Ross: Oh, that's me.

Rachel: Wow. You certainly think a lot of yourself.

Ross: No, that's my arm.

Chandler: Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

("The One With the Couch," 5.16)

Go Shovelly Joe

Monica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in sex ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy, it'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way.

Chandler: Oh God, what was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?

Monica: The thing we never do.

Chandler: Shovelly Joe.

("The One Where Joey Speaks French," 10.13)

Chandler Had a Little Lamb

Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume. Unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.

Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.

Rachel: Yeah which, by the way, Chandler, I would like back one of these days.

("The One Where No One's Ready," 3.02)

Gellers Get Down

Judy: Oh sorry we're late. My fault. I insisted on riding the tube.

Jack: Judy. The kids.

Judy: Jack, that's what they call the subway.

("The One With Ross's Wedding," 4.24)

Trifle Time

Ross: Oh my God. The pages are stuck together.

Joey: Chandler!

("The One Where Ross Got High," 6.09)

Multi-Meaning Mottos

Monica: You know, my motto is 'get out before they go down.'

Joey: That is so not my motto.

("The One With the Bullies," 2.21)

Finally, A Use for All Those Chopsticks

Joey: Remember, something this big and long can be very difficult to maneuver. Fortunately, I have a lot of experience in that area.

("The One With the Giant Poking Device," 3.08)

Buffay the Vampire Layer

Chandler: You didn't get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night long did you?

Joey: Sort of.

("The One Where Chandler Can't Cry," 6.14)

Lengthy Linguistics

Joey: My Uncle Sal has a really big tongue.

Chandler: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?

("The One With the Baby on the Bus," 2.06)

Be Your Own Windkeeper, Rachel

Rachel: How do expect me to grow, if you won't let me blow?

Ross: You know I don't have a problem with that.

("The One Where Eddie Won't Go," 2.19)

Monica's Got a Grip

Phoebe: Very good handshake. Good wrist action.

Monica: Let me try.

Phoebe: Okay. (Handshake.) Oh my God! What did I ever do to you?

Monica: Did I squeeze it too hard?

Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler.

("The One With Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss," 5.17)