Delete Your Account: Inglorious Rappers

Why Nicki Minaj is low-key winning her rap beef. Also: surprise, Mike Pence!

Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities, the media, and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether or not each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, Nicki Minaj and Remy Ma star in a new edition of Mortal Kombat, Smash Mouth weigh in on U.S. politics, Armond White stars in Get Out 2, and Mike Pence gets a surprise.

"Ira, are you really sure you're not talking about Trump's Twitter account ever again? He's really been on a roll since everybody in his administration has been up in the Kremlin like Koopas in a castle ..."




In case you've been too busy colluding with a foreign government this week or switching envelopes at the Oscars, Bronx rapper and Love & Hip-Hop cast member Remy Ma dropped a Sunday-church-service-length dis track against Nicki Minaj. The track was so long that Future managed to drop three albums before I finished listening to it. If you're the type of person who thought La La Land should've won Best Picture, you might not know who Remy Ma is and why she has beef with Nicki. Let's just say that they both grew up in New York as aspiring rapteuses and have an on-again, off-again friendship. At one point, at the height of her career, Remy was convicted of assault and other charges for shooting her friend Makeeda Barnes-Joseph in the stomach for allegedly stealing $1,000 from her. OBVIOUSLY REMY WENT TO PRISON FOR THIS.

Remy alleges that Nicki took advantage of her absence, and built her career while her friend rotted away like the Count of Monte Cristo. After six years, Remy was released from prison and began dropping mixtapes with lyrics like: "Remy Makavelli, send shots through bellies." So, you know, she is quite literally not to be fucked with. Nicki did not heed this advice and subbed Remy on her track with Gucci Mane, "Make Love." One offending line, in particular: "Oooohhh, oh, you the qu-e-ee the queen of this here? / One platinum plaque, album flopped, bitch, where?" Nicki, forever making fun of her opponents' positions on the charts, was referring to Remy's joint album with Fat Joe, Plata O Plomo. It's been alleged, however, that Nicki was actually coming for Arkham resident Azealia Banks, but even if she was, what's done is done, and no one has time to think about that sea witch and her unreturned Blockbuster rentals of The Craft anyway.

So Remy, assuming that the lyrics were directed at her, familiarized herself with the Dewey decimal system just to visit the library and open every single book available on Nicki Minaj. Let’s be clear: "ShETHER" (named as such because it uses the same beat Nas used on his "Ether," a dis track in response to Jay Z's "Takeover") is a THOROUGHLY researched evisceration. My master's thesis has nothing on it. In the track, Remy attacks Nicki's alleged use of butt injections, her failed relationship with Meek Mill, alleges Nicki had sex with Drake and Lil Wayne and Trey Songz and a host of other men, comes for her 360 deal with Republic, and brings up the fact that Nicki's brother will stand trial for raping a 12-year-old girl. Remy opened the entire ancient Library of Alexandria on Nicki. It's literally all I discussed at black brunch on Saturday.

Enter Minaj's response:


As I mentioned, Nicki often resorts to chart positions to slam her rivals. Which is easy to do when your rivals boast about being No. 1 on PayPal, but is less effective when someone has just performed the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on you. Nicki shot off some other Instagrams about how Beyoncé once called her the Queen of Rap, as if Beyoncé were about to spring to action and protect her when she was once willing to let her husband become a ghost in an elevator.

Before too long, however, Nicki had more than Remy to worry about, because other people had noticed the dis track and begun to chime in. Like Trey Songz:


On "ShETHER," Remy refers to Trey with the line: "Only time you touch a trigga is when you fucked Trey Songz." Trey's nickname is "Trigga Trey" (he raps on "Touchin, Lovin": "And if they living right next, then I bet they know my name in a minute, Trigga," and he has an album named Trigga). I don't know why the man calls himself Trigga or why Tyga goes by Tyga or why all these grown-ass men got their rap names from the Enchanted Forest, but the point is that he chimed in immediately after hearing the song basically like, "The comedy!" But Nicki wasn't having it.


NICKI MINAJ IS OBSESSED WITH PLAQUES AND POSITIONS ON THE CHARTS. I love her, but this cannot be mentioned enough. Ma, stop talking about the charts, you have a dis track to respond to. Why are you starting fights with Trey? He knows not what he tweets. He's just trying to make sexy songs, sometimes with Justin Bieber because sure, and stay chill. But also, I love how Trey refers to this gangland murder of a track as "new comedy." Trey, this was far from comedy. This was the end of a Shakespearean tragedy. Did he not listen to the track? Did someone just text him, "Yo, Remy said you fucked Nicki," and he was like, "Oh man, lemme tweet through it"? It's Saturday morning, my man, you should be watching cartoons and having some cereal.

And speaking of cereal:


Rah Digga, veteran Newark rapper, has no time to take the PATH train into any of this drama, and I respect her for that. Nicki also got tired of the drama and quickly deleted all of her tweets. Which I thought was great, because why let tweets speak for you when you can go into the studio and record a hot track, a hot 16, anything to respond to Remy with. Nicki … had some other ideas:


She literally Instagrammed herself napping luxuriously on the set of her latest music video. I began to wonder if Nicki was ever going to respond to Remy. Time was running out. Remy alleged that Nicki has ghostwriters. Was she busy waiting on them to text her new raps? I was curious about how Nicki planned on handling all of this. But it wouldn't be until a few days later that I realized how intricate her plan was …


On Thursday evening, Remy released yet another dis track, this time referencing Drake's Meek Mill dis "Back to Back" so she could say "I waited four days" just like Drake did. Was the song fire? Did it completely pour cement over Nicki's grave? Um … not really. This track is a dud. Remy could've kept it. There are things I like about it — like using Nicki's Instagram as the cover art and the aforementioned Drake reference. But this is like an unreleased "Lean Back" B side, ma. The track is not fire, and it accomplishes nothing that a tweet at Nicki wouldn't have also accomplished. I know Remy wanted to set Twitter aflame again because she has an album to promote, but literally anything sets Twitter on fire. You could've tweeted at Nicki "Where u at?" and it would be the No. 1 trending topic all night.

It was in this moment that I realized Nicki's plan: She doesn't need to respond. When Jay Z and Nas beefed, they were both arguably at the top of their game. But it's Remy who has something to prove here. Nicki isn't going to lose fans over a rap dis in 2017, because rap isn't like that anymore. Remy is a fire rapper to be sure, and her flow is excellent — but she's playing catch-up in 2017 and needs to release more tracks like "All the Way Up" instead of spitting disses at a rapper who can't be bothered to acknowledge you. When you're rapping like Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, it might be time to give it up.


SHOULD NICKI MINAJ & REMY MA DELETE THEIR ACCOUNTS? This is the most welcome distraction to the fact that the White House is busy writing a To Serve Man cookbook and all of America is on the menu, so ladies, please never delete your accounts. However: maybe stick to pop music, Nicki. You and Drake are talking about bodying people and, like, Remy is actually waiting in the wings till the third act to use Chekhov's Gun.



Smash Mouth is really out here subtweeting Jeff "Mxyzptlk" Sessions for lying under oath about having meetings with Russians. What a time to be alive. But I wonder, who was waiting for Smash Mouth to chime in here? Did they do it because they're tired of Justin Trudeau getting all of America's attention? LOL, wait … Smash Mouth are from San Jose. What's that band that's from Canada? I just realized I don't know anything about Smash Mouth besides the fact that they sang that song from Shrek. Um, moving on ...

SHOULD SMASH MOUTH DELETE THEIR ACCOUNT? Is it Sugar Ray that's from Canada? This is gonna bother me all weekend …



Lakeith Stanfield (Darius from FX's Atlanta) has some words for critic Armond White, who "ruined" Get Out's perfect score on Rotten Tomatoes. I mean, the movie is great and it got a ton of money and so who really cares at this point? But on the flip side, Armond White didn't like Moonlight either, so I'd be lying if I said I didn't find this shit funny.





This week, we found out that Mike Pence used a private email server while governor of Indiana. Not only did it get hacked, IT'S AN AOL EMAIL ACCOUNT. No one uses an AOL account except for independent-bookstore owners who like to date men that stalk them. I wonder if Pence has any comment on this latest development?