Do We Really Have Free Will? 'Westworld' Cosplay For The Existentially Panicked

Please join us as we scour the internet for things that look like ‘Westworld’ costumes; along the way, we’ll attempt to determine the nature of our reality. Sounds fun, right?

For reasons yet unclear, Westworld has been foisted upon the collective consciousness, becoming The Thing We Are All Watching And Talking About. You're watching it. You're not totally sure why. Half of this show is men sitting across from one another, speaking faux-elusively and drinking whiskey; the other half is slow-churning nonsense. Maybe you're watching it because everybody else is watching it? But they're not totally sure why, either.

Which raises the question: Do we really have free will? If you're not watching Westworld, do you really exist? Is reality nothing more than a massive game, at the center of which is a maze, at the center of which is a switch, which, if flipped, will allow us to break free of watching Westworld?

If these questions — along with the incontrovertible fact that the long arc of America is bending toward fascism — are troubling you, I'd suggest some light Westworld cosplaying to assuage your profound existential anxieties. I know, this seems counterintuitive and also just makes no sense. But neither does this show. And neither does the fact that the universe is infinite. I mean, what the fuck? So please join me as I find things on the internet that look like Westworld costumes; along the way, we'll attempt to determine the nature of our reality. Sounds fun, right?


The first thing you thought of when you read “Westworld cosplay” is, “Ooh, how can I dress like Dolores?” I know this because I created you and control your mind. Either that, or it's because Dolores is the only good character on Westworld.


This $143.99 light blue denim maxi dress from Indie Fit is perfect for those moments when you're like, “Whoa, I just had crazy déjà vu while this faux-frontiersman was throwing me atop a pile of hay and raping me.” Here's a $20.03 brown fanny pack, ideal for holding guns that you found in your underwear drawer and don't remember putting there (no judgment, girl!). Don't forget to curl only the sides of your bangs, and remember that you can only prove the existence of your own mind, so it's absolutely possible that you are an android created for the express purpose of being a slave to the dominant species.

The Man In Black

Is he a bad guy? Is he a good guy? Is morality just a construct designed to distract us from the utter meaninglessness of our actions and, subsequently, our entire lives? Have humans been trying to prescribe a set of concrete ethics since the beginning of time for no other reason than the knowledge that, absent any rules to follow, society would devolve into chaos, and even that chaos in and of itself would be meaningless, because chaos is subjective, and subjectivity is a quality of conscious experience, and we can't prove that we're actually conscious (see: paragraph one)?


Here is a cool, authentic Western hat from Zappos for $39. Wear it on “your” “head” when you “go” to “work.” Slap on this black Vest and Ascot For Formal Occasions from Etsy for $25.99, then tie a li'l Target infinity scarf around your neck so you don't get “cold” on the “walk.”

Forlorn-Looking Rich White Guy (“William”)

Why is FLRWG so sad? Is it because he had to give his brown coat to Dolores? Is it because nobody believes he's not the Man in Black, because he's too goddamn boring to just be himself? Is it because he knows the self is a hallucination, that all we are truly experiencing is a “sense” of self, and that deep down, we are all made of hay?


This $52 velvet vest from Devils Advocate (!) will keep you warm when the cold, hard truth of your hay-hood hits you right in the hay heart. These $68 corduroy dockers from Macy's will protect your knees when you fall to the dirt, screaming, pulling tufts of hay out of your chest. This $44.95 wool scarf hat for women will remind you to have a sense of humor about yourself!

A Miserable Career Woman

If Westworld has taught us anything, it's that there is no such thing as a flow of time and there is no such thing as a woman who has a flourishing career but is also happy. Empowered by the knowledge that the future is predetermined and free will is an illusion, why not dress up like Elsie or Theresa, both of whom have cool-ass jobs but hate their lives?


All you need for this is a very smooth, frizz-free hairstyle, preferably a low pony, and the sort of Business Attire they teach you about in PowerPoints at DeVry career seminars. Dressbarn has a great collection of dresses with sleeves, and here is a $64 Lauren Conrad blazer from Kohl's. Pair either or both with a Palm Pilot or a BlackBerry or a piece of cardboard painted black, which you can rubber-band to your hand for effect, and a profound sense of defeatism.


Maeve has the best pajamas, but probably the worst life. That's how the world works. Life is unfair, because fairness is a completely human-invented concept, like math or dogs. The thing is, none of this matters, because life is just a dream, so it's fine. Just go back to sleep. Shhhhhh.


Pull on these $19.95–$21.95 white cotton knit pettipants (pettipants!) the next time you go to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps and he reaches inside of you and pulls out a fake bullet and you're like, “Whaaaat the fuck!!!” It doesn't matter, because you're dreaming, remember? This vintage white lace cami is only $27.50, which is cool, because money isn't real, because you're asleep.

Anthony Hopkins

According to Parmenides, reality is static, and nothing can ever really change. Every time you think you're changing, it's just an illusion. Haha. This sucks, except if you're Anthony Hopkins. Why would you want to be anything other than Anthony Hopkins? Anthony Hopkins is the star of a show he doesn't even watch.


Sorry, you can't be Anthony Hopkins.

One Of Those Gold-Painted Prostitutes From The Racist Town

Are you confused about whether you live in Haiti or Buenos Aires or Africa or Spain or Tex Mex? Do you love fucking strangers and chugging whiskey and exploding stuff with nitroglycerin, and maybe cannibalism, you're not sure yet? You should cosplay as a citizen of Pariah, the racist town from Westworld! Your best bet is one of these gold hookers, because if you paint your skin gold, it means you have skin. If you have skin, you're probably real. Right?


Here is some terrifying Graftobian Cosmetic Powdered Metal body paint for $7.99, which seems like a low price to temporarily confirm your bodily existence.

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