"American Horror Story: Hotel" has taught us a many a thing about this game we call life. Like how all dead serial killers get together once a year for a fancy dinner party, for example, and how Yelp reviews seemingly don't deter guests from visiting Murder Hotels. Heck, we've even learned that when mega-hot Swedish ladies go missing on vacation, literally no one cares! Hey man, it's a madcap "AHS" world, and we've just got to live in it.
But the most valuable lessons learned from "AHS" this season all involve pages from the book of love -- and there have been many of them, so we've gone ahead and done you a favor by organizing them all into your love Bible. You're welcome!
When it comes to the bedroom, four is better than two.
Only for a time, though. When they start to get old, get rid of them.
A great consolation prize for any dumped BF? Eternal life!
Isn't it better to have to spend an eternity alone, Matt Bomer, than just one measly lifetime?
If bae pisses you off, definitely slaughter her army of creepy vampire children.
Hit her where it hurts.
Just cause you're sucking on a dude, doesn't mean you're gay.
This one should be obvious, but it's important to remember!
Never let your charity case steal your man.
(And totally feel free to get nasty, if you need to.)
Every couple of decades, be sure to trade up.
Ramona Royale was so 1982. Donovan was so 2005.
True love is totally possible after only a couple of days.
It worked for Jack and Rose...
If you choose to have children, only love one of them.
Even if he eats the dog.
Couples who Pâté together, stay together.
Couples who slay together, also stay together -- for 20 years, give or take.
See above note on trading up.
Netflix and chill? More like "Neflix and kill your sex life."
This one is actually real. Actually listen to this. I swear.
It's totally cool to have a type.
Brown hair, blue eyes, and square jawed is the way to go on "AHS."
And finally, there is no purer form of love than that of a vampire mother to her deformed, deranged, violent, eternally infant monster-baby.
<3 <3 <3