Take a few deep, cleansing breaths and brace your neck for maximum hair-whippage, Swifties, because Taylor Swift is officially performing at the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards. Did you heed my advice? Good, because your hospital bill is not coming out of my paycheck.
Announced moments ago on "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon," the two-time VMA winner will take -- nay, SLAY -- The Forum stage on Sunday, August 24 at 9:00 p.m. ET/PT. She joins previously announced 2014 VMA performers Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea, Rita Ora, Beyoncé, Maroon 5, Usher, 5 Seconds Of Summer, and Ariana Grande, along with Pre-Show performers Fifth Harmony. (Does somebody have my Life Alert bracelet? Because I've fallen and I can't get up after running through that star-studded performance roster.)
Wait. Do you hear that? That's the sound of approximately a bah-jillion Taylor Swift fans rapidly flapping their metaphorical hummingbird wings to the bass-drop beat of "I Knew You Were Trouble" and head-banging to "All Too Well" in anticipation. Why? Because in case you haven't been keeping track, this is the fourth VMA performance of Taylor Swift’s career. And she’s slayed every VMA moment so far.
Wait, Taylor Swift? Actually, more like Slaylor Swift! UP TOP!
Oh, and you'd better believe that I've got the photographic evidence to back up this obviously true claim.
Presenting the 61 Times Taylor Swift (a.k.a. SLAYLOR SWIFT) Absolutely Slayed The VMAs.
1.) Awwww, it's baby's first VMAs in 2008! Consider 'em slain.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898530" title="taylor-swift-vma-1" alt="taylor-swift-vma-1"] 2.) Same goes for this red-carpet close-up.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898531" title="taylor-swift-vma-2" alt="taylor-swift-vma-2"] 3.) Tay even slayed the networking game, making her way to Ms. Britney Spears.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898613" title="taylor-swift-vma-85" alt="taylor-swift-vma-85"] 4.) Learn those hair-flipping, hand-choreo secrets, country-pop princess.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898533" title="taylor-swift-vma-4" alt="taylor-swift-vma-4"] 5.) She kicked it with the Jonas Brothers.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898535" title="taylor-swift-vma-6" alt="taylor-swift-vma-6"] 6.) After correcting Joe's pronunciation of her name. "It's pronounced Slay-lor."
[image src="wp-attachment://1898534" title="taylor-swift-vma-5" alt="taylor-swift-vma-5"] 7.) She even got to know her future peers in pop slayage, Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus. They haven't changed a bit!
[image src="wp-attachment://1898532" title="taylor-swift-vma-3" alt="taylor-swift-vma-3"] 8.) Taylor being Taylor, she made sure to take selfies with some fans, and -- OH MY GOD, THAT'S A DIGITAL CAMERA NOT A PHONE.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898612" title="taylor-swift-vma-84" alt="taylor-swift-vma-84"] 9.) How did Taylor arrive at the 2009 VMAs? In a princess carriage.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898537" title="taylor-swift-vma-8" alt="taylor-swift-vma-8"] [image src="wp-attachment://1898543" title="taylor-swift-vma-14" alt="taylor-swift-vma-14"] 11.) Looks like someone was practicing her red-carpet slayage.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898536" title="taylor-swift-vma-7" alt="taylor-swift-vma-7"] 12.) See that triangle shape her arm is making? Ugh, Taylor is even the best at trolling Illuminati conspiracy theorists.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898552" title="taylor-swift-vma-23" alt="taylor-swift-vma-23"] 13.) Taylor performed "You Belong With Me" in the New York City subway.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898542" title="taylor-swift-vma-13" alt="taylor-swift-vma-13"] 14.) And she emerged looking like the complete opposite of a person who was just riding the subway.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898540" title="taylor-swift-vma-11" alt="taylor-swift-vma-11"] 15.) How was she not a sweaty mess?!
[image src="wp-attachment://1898541" title="taylor-swift-vma-12" alt="taylor-swift-vma-12"] 16.) Slay on, the people's country-pop princess. Slay on.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898544" title="taylor-swift-vma-15" alt="taylor-swift-vma-15"] 17.) Oh my god, and she got to hug Beyoncé. MAXIMUM SLAYAGE POINTS ALLOWED.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898539" title="taylor-swift-vma-10" alt="taylor-swift-vma-10"] 18.) Taylor subdued her slaying in 2010, performing a haunting ballad entitled "Innocent."
[image src="wp-attachment://1898547" title="taylor-swift-vma-18" alt="taylor-swift-vma-18"] 19.) There was some Fosse Lite™ slayage.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898549" title="taylor-swift-vma-20" alt="taylor-swift-vma-20"] 20.) Along with a little "Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter!" in there.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898550" title="taylor-swift-vma-21" alt="taylor-swift-vma-21"] 21.) Did Taylor Swift just steal my soul?
[image src="wp-attachment://1898546" title="taylor-swift-vma-17" alt="taylor-swift-vma-17"] 22.) Taylor Swift just stole my soul.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898551" title="taylor-swift-vma-22" alt="taylor-swift-vma-22"] 23.) SPEAK NOW, OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR SLAYAGE.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898548" title="taylor-swift-vma-19" alt="taylor-swift-vma-19"] 24.) Oh my god, remember the Sharon Stone realness Tay served on the VMA red carpet in 2011?
[image src="wp-attachment://1898562" title="taylor-swift-vma-33" alt="taylor-swift-vma-33"] 25.) Live in this moment. BAAAAATHE in this moment.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898554" title="taylor-swift-vma-25" alt="taylor-swift-vma-25"] 26.) "Oh, is that the entire world?"
[image src="wp-attachment://1898569" title="taylor-swift-vma-39" alt="taylor-swift-vma-39"] 27.) "Hi, entire world, it's me -- Slaylor."
[image src="wp-attachment://1898561" title="taylor-swift-vma-32" alt="taylor-swift-vma-32"] 28.) Taylor not only took a selfie with a Swiftie...
[image src="wp-attachment://1898560" title="taylor-swift-vma-31" alt="taylor-swift-vma-31"] 29.) ...She even helped her pick a filter.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898576" title="taylor-swift-vma-46" alt="taylor-swift-vma-46"] 30.) Is everybody prepared to discuss Taylor's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" performance?
[image src="wp-attachment://1898570" title="taylor-swift-vma-40" alt="taylor-swift-vma-40"] [image src="wp-attachment://1898568" title="taylor-swift-vma-38" alt="taylor-swift-vma-38"] [image src="wp-attachment://1898565" title="taylor-swift-vma-36" alt="taylor-swift-vma-36"] [image src="wp-attachment://1898566" title="taylor-swift-vma-37" alt="taylor-swift-vma-37"] [image src="wp-attachment://1898584" title="taylor-swift-vma-54" alt="taylor-swift-vma-54"] 35.) Taylor slayed all the notes ever.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898580" title="taylor-swift-vma-50" alt="taylor-swift-vma-50"] 36.) Hired a bunch of dudes to carry her across the stage.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898579" title="taylor-swift-vma-49" alt="taylor-swift-vma-49"] 37.) Got in a few digs at her ex.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898582" title="taylor-swift-vma-52" alt="taylor-swift-vma-52"] 38.) Worked in a little (unintentional yet perfectly appropriate) "Single Ladies" slayage.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898581" title="taylor-swift-vma-51" alt="taylor-swift-vma-51"] 39.) Whipped her high-pony back and forth.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898563" title="taylor-swift-vma-34" alt="taylor-swift-vma-34"] 40.) And even managed to make horizontal stripes look slimming.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898564" title="taylor-swift-vma-35" alt="taylor-swift-vma-35"] 41.) LITERALLY, WHEN WILL YOUR FAVES?!
[image src="wp-attachment://1898575" title="taylor-swift-vma-45" alt="taylor-swift-vma-45"] 42.) And of course, Taylor waved goodbye at the end because she was raised right on that Christmas tree farm.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898577" title="taylor-swift-vma-47" alt="taylor-swift-vma-47"] 43.) In case you've already forgotten, Taylor did nothing but slay at the 2013 VMAs.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898609" title="taylor-swift-vma-81" alt="taylor-swift-vma-81"] [image src="wp-attachment://1898601" title="taylor-swift-vma-73" alt="taylor-swift-vma-73"] 45.) "Just kidding, I knew it was me."
[image src="wp-attachment://1898610" title="taylor-swift-vma-82" alt="taylor-swift-vma-82"] 46.) "I knew it was me the whole damn time."
[image src="wp-attachment://1898615" title="taylor-swift-vma-87" alt="taylor-swift-vma-87"] 47.) Tay got close enough to Ashanti to tell her how hard she (probably) stans for "Foolish." Ugh, so jealous.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898611" title="taylor-swift-vma-83" alt="taylor-swift-vma-83"] 48.) Got some QT with Drake.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898588" title="taylor-swift-vma-60" alt="taylor-swift-vma-60"] 49.) Champagne Papi's about to cry, and I am right there with him.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898590" title="taylor-swift-vma-62" alt="taylor-swift-vma-62"] 50.) Then Taylor slayed the meet-your-idols game and chatted with Justin Timberlake.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898599" title="taylor-swift-vma-71" alt="taylor-swift-vma-71"] 51.) "Slay them, Taylor. Slay them all."
[image src="wp-attachment://1898600" title="taylor-swift-vma-72" alt="taylor-swift-vma-72"] 52.) Etch this on my tombstone tbh.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898603" title="taylor-swift-vma-75" alt="taylor-swift-vma-75"] 53.) Here's Taylor, casually slaying with Selena Gomez and Chanel Iman.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898597" title="taylor-swift-vma-69" alt="taylor-swift-vma-69"] 54.) Oops, I mean Slaylor and Slayena.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898585" title="taylor-swift-vma-57" alt="taylor-swift-vma-57"] 55.) "Psssst, I'm about to slay."
[image src="wp-attachment://1898592" title="taylor-swift-vma-64" alt="taylor-swift-vma-64"] 56.) SHE TRIED TO WARN US.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898594" title="taylor-swift-vma-66" alt="taylor-swift-vma-66"] 57.) She won the VMA for Best Female Video, which was presented by Pharrell Williams, Nile Rodgers, and Daft Punk.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898589" title="taylor-swift-vma-61" alt="taylor-swift-vma-61"] 58.) Who's weeping? It's OK, you can raise your hand.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898591" title="taylor-swift-vma-63" alt="taylor-swift-vma-63"] 59.) Most overwhelming of all is the fact that Taylor Swift shall live to slay another VMA.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898605" title="taylor-swift-vma-77" alt="taylor-swift-vma-77"] 60.) Are we even ready for 2014? Short answer: no.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898598" title="taylor-swift-vma-70" alt="taylor-swift-vma-70"] 61.) Long answer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
[image src="wp-attachment://1898587" title="taylor-swift-vma-59" alt="taylor-swift-vma-59"] [uma_snippet id="1729243"]
