MAJOR "FANTASTIC FOUR" SPOILERS AHEAD!
Let's clear one question right up front: Fox's new "Fantastic Four" movie sports the same name and characters as the two "Fantastic Four" films you remember from the 2000s, but the buck stops there. These are different beasts entirely. Different dimensions, even.
Gone are the Chris Evans days of yesterday. That Human Torch is still busy defending the world from supervillains, albeit with less firepower and more patriotism. Gone is the goofy, kid-friendly tone of the Tim Story era. In Josh Trank's reboot, we're in grim-and-gritty territory, leaning heavily on hard science fiction as opposed to anything bright and family-friendly.
So, two different takes on "Fantastic Four," disconnected from each other in almost every way. Got that? Good, because that's just one mystery solved. Here are 44 other questions we have about the new "Fantastic Four."
Whatever happened to the flying car Reed Richards was working on in the fifth grade?
The world may never know.
By the way, did you know Reed was in fifth grade when "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" hit theaters in 2007?
Now you do!
How much does fifth grade Reed look like fifth grade me?
A lot. I am the only one asking this question, but the answer is a lot.
Why didn't anyone freak out that Reed's science teacher is Homer Simpson?
Dan Castellaneta in the house, y'all!
And why didn't anyone freak out that Reed's dad is Tim Heidecker?
That's the billion dollar question.
So, Ben learned his signature catchphrase, "IT'S CLOBBERING TIME," from getting his butt kicked by his mean older brother?
Well, that's depressing!
How many Nintendo 64s does it take to open up an alternate dimension?
Ask Reed Richards, and the answer is "a lot." Ask the Nintendo 64 kid, and the answer is "AHHHHHH," which translates in English as, "just the one."
At the science fair, why did the backboards shatter…
…but Reed's glasses did not?
How much of the neighborhood can you fit inside the Baxter Building?
The whole neighborhood.
Why didn't Reed insist on bringing Ben to the Baxter Building?
Wouldn't that have been nice, considering they were working together on the teleportation project every single day for the past seven years?
Why is Reed so nonchalant about the fact…
…that he almost accidentally destroyed the entire planet via black hole created by one of his experiments?
What is Sue's favorite Portishead song?
And can she create a playlist to get
me Reed and any other uncool kids who don't know Portishead up to speed?
Whatever happened to Victor Domashev?
Toby Kebbell famously revealed some big changes to Doctor Doom's back story in interviews many moons ago, but there was no trace of anyone named "Domashev" in this movie. What changed?
Who built Apollo 11?
Don't worry, even super-genius Reed doesn't know.
Drinking and dimension-hopping is a big no-no, right?
But… the Fantastic Four got their powers because of a big drunk mistake?
Why wasn't Sue part of the team on the original trip to Planet Zero?
That's a (wait for it) fantastic question.
Also, Planet Zero? Really?
Way to ruin that parallel universe planet's self-esteem, you guys.
And really, why wasn't Sue on the mission?
Well, she's smart and responsible enough that she would have squashed the drunken bafoonery, I think, so story-wise, it couldn't happen? That's about the best I can come up with on that one, folks.
How did Ben get from Oyster Bay to Manhattan so fast?
It's not THAT far, but it's not 30-minutes fast.
Why didn't Ben tell Reed to sober up before agreeing to hop into the other dimension?
Unless they boozed Ben up before liftoff, too? Kids these days!
What happened in the scenes between Reed fleeing the compound, and the one-year time-jump?
I had to go to the bathroom. Someone fill me in!
So, about those costumes, and not to be crude, but…
Can the team ever be naked without them, or will their powers become uncontrollable? And if they CAN'T be naked without them, how do they go to the bathroom?
Why doesn't the Thing have pants?
It's really the biggest question of the movie.
Also, the Thing has a kill count?
And the pile of bodies numbers in the 40s. That's… that's intense.
Where exactly is Area 57?
The world may never know.
How awesome was it when Reed shape-shifted his face in Panama?
How awesome was it that Reed totally punked out on his friends and ran away to Panama even though he drunkenly turned them all into monsters?
REALLY NOT AWESOME.
Why was Doom so mad that everyone came back to Planet Zero?
At the very least, you would think he would be happy to see Sue!
Where did Doctor Doom get his cloak?
Didn't look like Planet Zero had much in the way of fashion options.
What were Doctor Doom's powers, exactly?
Aside from making people's heads literally explode.
Was Doctor Allen's death the grossest death in a mainstream superhero movie ever?
We'll have to dig deep into the archives to truly answer that one, but his exploded head splashing up against his see-through mask was pretty flipping gross.
Speaking of Doctor Allen, isn't he Hulk's friend?
Nope, he's not. You're thinking about Samuel Sterns, aka the guy who will one day become infamous Hulk villain The Leader, also played by Tim Blake Nelson.
Was Franklin Storm's death the saddest death in a mainstream superhero movie ever?
I don't think so, but it did break my heart, because Reg E. Cathey is the best, and the world needs more of him.
Where else can we turn for awesome Reg E. Cathey work?
He used to serve up the best barbecue in Washington on "House of Cards," he was a top-notch political advisor in Baltimore on "The Wire," and he was a sharp-tongued prison warden on "Oz," but don't watch those shows unless you're 18 and older, please.
Speaking of "House of Cards," isn't that where Sue Storm comes from?
And speaking of "The Wire," where's Wallace?
And speaking of "Oz," wasn't J.K. Simmons on that show, and wasn't he Miles Teller's mean drum teacher in —
So how about that part when "Fantastic Four" turned into "Akira" for a few minutes?
You mean the time that Doom, played by the same actor who almost played Tetsuo in the defunct live-action "Akira" remake, totally Tetsuoed all over Area 57? Yeah, that was actually pretty neat.
Finish this sentence: "There is no Victor, only…"
Zuul. The answer is always Zuul.
What was Doom going to do with all the cars he stole from Earth and landed safely on Planet Zero?
Was he just going to race around all over the planet, forever and ever? If so, I finally understand why he's so mad that people came back for him and ruined his real life Mario Kart party.
Is Doctor Doom dead?
He's about as dead as the equally incinerated Red Skull at the end of "Captain America: The First Avenger." In other words, probably very dead, but maybe ambiguously alive somewhere?
What was with the tray of sandwiches at the meeting with the military?
What, the government thinks they can buy Reed Richards with sandwiches? Come on, guys. Do your research. Dude's from Oyster Bay. Ralph's Italian Ices is the way to his heart.
So, what did Reed end up naming the team?
What a tease!