Casting the Eventual 'Twilight' Remake

As Twi-hards accept the coming of "Breaking Dawn – Part 2," the finale to "The Twilight Saga," it's difficult to imagine life without another installment of the Bella, Edward and Jacob love triangle on the horizon. What do we do to cope with the loss?

I'm sure some fans will try to go cold turkey — ripping down all their Team Edward posters and boxing up their sparkly vampire memorabilia — like some girls do trying to forget a painful ex-lover. Some will live in the past, like a former high school quarterback, insisting that the glory days are still here and any day now a new "Twilight" book will magically appear on bookstore shelves. Others will move on completely, taking the "best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" approach. Except that "someone" will be another YA series like "Mortal Instruments" or "Maximum Ride" and, like a rebound relationship, that won't work out in the end. As I've successfully argued before, nothing is the next "Twilight."

The healthy Twihards will do what I'm doing, stay positive, look to the future and focus on the reboot. I learned this approach from being an Arizona sports fan. While things are often dark during the season, I can always remain hopeful that the next crop of young athletes will raise the bar. That's why I'm already filling out my fantasy cast for the remake of "Twilight." This will shock some of you. That's like trying to remake "Star Wars" or The Bible. However, you know it's going to happen in 10 years or so. You may as well look forward to getting your children or grandchildren (you'll be Twilight Grandmas by then, Twilight Moms) hooked. As for me, I've already picked out one of my nephews to write the next decade's "Confessions of a Male Twilhard." His name is Finn McKee and as you can tell by the corresponding photo, he's already learning to fear the outdoors so he'll be perfect for staying indoors to write columns about the following cast.

The Stars

Bella Swan: Suri Cruise

This is the obvious choice, right? The offspring of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will surely grow up to be beautiful... and no doubt weird and kind of anti-social. She'll be the perfect Bella!

Edward Cullen: Knox Jolie-Pitt

The only people on earth who have better beauty genes than Suri Cruise are the Jolie-Pitt pups. Bella has to be attractive but the man who plays Edward has to be even more beautiful to make Bella seem like "another girl next door" at first glance. Knox, get ready to follow your parents into acting.

Jacob Black: Mateo Bravery Bratt

His father Benjamin Bratt is half-Quechua, an indigenous ethnic group to Peru, so Mateo may be even more perfect to play a Quileute than Taylor Lautner, who seems shady of his "distant" Native-American ancestry.

The Cullens

Emmett Cullen – Cruz Beckham

Cruz will definitely have to take after his father more than his mother to pull this off. A waif-thin Emmett won't work out. His lineage definitely suggests he will be meaty though, even if he is British.

Alice Cullen – Matilda Ledger

Matilda's mother Michelle Williams has always had that "wise-beyond-her-years" vibe. With the tragedy of her father's death surrounding her early life, no doubt Matilda will have a deep emotional well to pull from. She'll be perfect as the all-knowing Alice.

Rosalie Cullen – Apple Martin

How can the daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin not be a bit rebellious? She's already dyed her hair pink! So long as she doesn't start writing Goop Jr., she could be just what a Rosalie needs.

Jasper Cullen – Pilot Inspektor Lee

He's the son of Jason Lee, a Scientologist and has a name not even Frank Zappa would bestow on his children. Pilot Inspektor is going to have plenty of practice at looking strange and looming in the corner. That's priceless training for a Jasper.

Esme Cullen – Abigail Breslin

Between "Zombieland" and "Little Miss Sunshine," Breslin has already enjoyed a great run. But few child stars make it through the woods of adulthood and my money is on Chloe Moretz as the one who makes it from this generation. By the time this remake happens, Breslin may be stoked for this supporting role.

Carlisle Cullen – Jett Good

Look into this kid's pale eyes and just try not to get lost in the eerie serenity of them. I would totally buy him as a wise father of moral vampires.

The Bad Guys

James - Kal-El Cage

His father is Nic Cage. Need I say more?

Victoria - Moxie Crimefighter Jillette

Despite her name, I imagine the daughter of Penn Jillette will become a well-adjusted adult due to her father's fringe celebrity status. Guess which famous daughter also grew up well-adjusted? Bryce Dallas Howard, and she made the best Victoria.

Laurent – Jermajesty Jackson

I'm sorry. I can't stop laughing at how perfect this will be. The son of Jermaine Jackson was made to be the next Laurent!

The Future 'Twilight' Poster

We'd be remiss if we didn't offer you a fair glimpse at what this "Twilight" future might look like, so we challenged our favorite artist, Old Red Jalopy, to create one. Enjoy!

Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard is a “Twilight” humor column by Ryan McKee that publishes every other week on NextMovie. Read Ryan’s introductory post here or follow him on Twitter.

(Originally published on Sept. 11, 2012, at 3 p.m. ET)