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Delete Your Account: Calvin Harris Is Not A Victim

Also facing possible deletion: Katy Perry, Demi Lovato, Max Landis, and anyone tweeting #AllLivesMatter

Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether or not each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, Calvin Harris tries to play the victim, Katy Perry is not that innocent, Demi Lovato is still messy, and people still insist on tweeting #AllLivesMatter.

CALVIN HARRIS

I've been waiting for this moment. But first I'd like to thank some loyal Delete Your Account readers for alerting me to this Twitter rant, because as you might not know, Adam "Calvin Harris" Wiles blocked me on Twitter last year. We'll get to why in a moment. First, let's do a little backstory, shall we? Before Calvin had a glow up, started posing for Armani, and dating Taylor Swift, he was a mere Scottish DJ who made good-ass albums like I Created Disco and Ready for the Weekend. Of course, by then I already knew him as Calvin Harris. I would soon learn that Calvin Harris is never at all what he presents on the surface. There's always some nonsense he's buried like the cast of I Know What You Did Last Summer. Calvin's first secret is that his real name is, as mentioned above, Adam Wiles. It's not hard to find his real name — it's on Wikipedia and most people in his line of work have stage names. But it's the origin behind the name that might make you go "Hmmm, this white boy is crazy." In 2009, he was interviewed by ShortList and explained that he changed his name to Calvin Harris because it "sounded a bit more racially ambiguous."

[Record scratch.]

The fuck? He went on to say, "I thought people might not know if I was black or not. After that, I was stuck with it." What kind of L.A. Reid Making P!nk Use A Blaccent nonsense is this? Ignoring the fact that Calvin Harris sounds whiter than G-Eazy, there's also the fact that Calvin Harris sounds fuck-all like a "black" name. What brothers are running around with the name Calvin Harris and getting denied jobs before they've even had an interview? A police officer sees a car is registered to a Calvin Harris and they approach the car without their gun, that's how white that name sounds. So not only did Calvin decide to be vaguely racist, he also decided to be completely clueless at the same time. But enough about Calvin's C. Thomas Howell origins, we need to get back to the matter at hand: Why he put Taylor Swift on blast.

Calvin's latest single, "This Is What You Came For," features Rihanna and has been dominating the charts. Anyone with a brain who knows Rihanna's voice could tell that she wasn't singing the entire song, and anyone who's familiar with Taylor Swift's brand of Nicholas Sparks lyrics could tell that "Baby / This is what you came for / Lightning strikes every time she moves / And everybody's watching her / But she's looking at you" was written by her and not Rihanna or Calvin. But for some reason, they used some fake-ass pseudonym like Nils Sjöberg on the song to "throw people off" even though two weeks prior Taylor teased the album cover in an Instagram. This was CLEARLY a "subtle hint" that Taylor wrote the song, seeing as Taylor promoting something besides herself is as likely as Abigail Fisher getting into any college without a dot com at the end of its name.

But continue the ruse they did! Until Calvin and Taylor broke up and she started "dating" Tom Hiddleston. I've seen high school performances of August Strindberg that were more convincing than Hiddleswift, so I'm not even going to bother addressing that, except to say that clearly it left Calvin feeling some type of way. Because when Taylor's team finally announced that she wrote the song, he went AWF. He accused Taylor of lashing out at him and trying to "bury" him like she did to Katy Perry, giving the internet their first real confirmation that Taylor did Katy like Amanda Woodward did Alison Parker back in the day. Because the internet has long thought Taylor was shady as fuck for her "Bad Blood" music video, clapping back at Nicki Minaj, maybe lying about her involvement in Kanye's dis track "Famous," daring to be in the vicinity of Beyoncé, and breathing in oxygen, you can understand why Calvin's tweets caused a Twitter meltdown. People even took to Taylor's Instagram comments to blast her for coming after Katy.

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But HERE'S THE THING. Taylor may very well have targeted each of those celebrities. But the fact remains that I'm not going to get in the practice of coming for a woman for claiming credit on a song she fucking wrote. If any other woman besides Taylor had done this, the internet wouldn't have cared (unless it was Meghan Trainor — then they might've asked iTunes for a refund). It's petty and misogynistic to claim that she should have to keep ownership of a very popular song a secret. But then again … who else knows petty better than Calvin Harris?

It is HIGHLY amusing that this grown man has the nerve to call someone else petty when he started a fight with Zayn Malik for no damn reason other than his girlfriend was in a fight with Apple. It is HIGHLY amusing that this grown man had the nerve to tweet: "Hurtful to me at this point that her and her team would go so far out of their way to try and make ME look bad at this stage though. I figure if you're happy in your new relationship you should focus on that instead of trying to tear your ex bf down for something to do." Lest we recall that when he broke up with singer, actress, potential Top Model reboot host, and international icon Rita Ora, he barred her from ever performing the single he wrote for her and essentially shelved her entire album, driving a wooden stake through her music career that's been limping around like a bloodthirsty vampire in a mausoleum ever since — a fact of which I reminded Calvin last year, hence his blocking me on Twitter.

So call Taylor a petty snake all you want, Calvin. But there's a reason you two found each other in the first place.

Should Calvin Delete His Account? #JusticeForRitaOra

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DEMI LOVATO

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I don't have any beef with Demi this week. I just want to point out that this messy queen followed Calvin Harris after he tweeted about Taylor Swift. If you'll recall, Demi has also gone in on Taylor, so you KNOW she was reading her timeline going, "Yaas bitch, yaas!"

This is so delightfully shady and I love "Body Say," so I want to reverse my previous decision and say that Demi deserves to keep her account.

KATY PERRY

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I know I've judged Katy's incomprehensible shade before, but I really did love how she kept it direct and to the point this time. A simple shady GIF and a RT is all you need to get the bloggahs buzzing about how you "completely owned" Taylor Swift or whatever those headlines read like these days. In fact, I was going to give you a special commendation for how masterful this was … until you PULLED SOME SHIT LAST NIGHT. This entire week has been about the buildup to Britney Spears's new single, "Make Me…," and the world knew it was set to debut Thursday night. But when Britney dropped the song, who else had to come out of the woodwork and drop their OWN downtempo gay conversion therapy church single? Katy.

This was done literally MINUTES apart. And it's not the first time Katy's pulled this shit. When Katy released that song she borrowed and never returned from Sara Bareilles, "Roar," she dropped it amid the buildup to Lady Gaga's "Applause." Literally the next month, she dropped "Dark Horse" on the same day as Britney's "Work Bitch." For someone so preoccupied with tweeting about how Taylor Swift has done you wrong, why you gotta be so shady? But it's OK, two can play at that game, sis. Remember when you hit us with an #AllLivesMatter?

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Delete Your Account is just like Sweeney Todd, Katy. We never forget and we never forgive.

Should Katy Delete Her Account? Britney is No. 1 on iTunes and she hasn't even promoted a single of hers since the Bush administration, so Katy probably needs her account to promote "Rise." Good luck.

JENNIFER LOPEZ, FETTY WAP, CHRISTINA MILIAN

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I COULD drag Jennifer "I'm Ethnic Except In My Movies" Lopez, Fetty "Who's Even Raising Your Kids?" Wap, or Christina "No Wonder the Person Who Crafted the Poetic ‘Dip It Low' Doesn't Understand Why #AllLivesMatterIsRacist" Milian, but honestly, I'm so tired of this shit. I went in on #AllLivesMatter last week and I'm not wasting the effort again.

EVERYONE WHO TWEETS #ALLLIVESMATTER SHOULD DELETE THEIR ACCOUNT

MAX LANDIS

Wow, Max Landis didn't like Ghostbusters? I'm absolutely shocked. You mean the man who went on a rant about about Rey in The Force Awakens being a Mary Sue and "too perfect" has an unfavorable opinion about the all-female Ghostbusters? You mean the man who has delightful opinions on female orgasms and refers to the women of Los Angeles as "ho bags" has something to share with the class? "Well, I certainly can't wait to read that," said literally no one ever. Ignoring the fact that people who've never even written a black woman in a lead role into one of their scripts should probably dial back on telling Leslie Jones whether or not her role is offensive, the funniest part about the review is that he doesn't even give a fuck about reviewing Ghostbusters. Max's "review" is literally only an excuse for him to tweet out his treatment for the Ghostbusters sequel that HE wrote. You know, one without an all-female cast, but one with a cool chick in the lead who'll probably be played by Kristen Stewart.

I read his Ghostbusters treatment and you know what? It's fine. It's serviceable fan fiction. It takes the series nowhere exciting or new, but it's a perfectly fine story. But that's the problem with Max. It's always "perfectly fine" stories that he insists are the best things ever. It's always claiming that the critics, or women, or someone else doesn't understand his genius. It belies the fact that sure, the movie Chronicle was dope, but all his subsequent films are not. Victor Frankenstein? Awful. American Ultra? Enjoyable, but a mess. Anyone else with a string of flop films would not have such a devoted cult, but such is the life of a straight, white male bro in Hollywood. There will always be an influx of other people just like you who move to Hollywood and dream of making a shit ton of money and banging a ton of chicks. The only difference is that they're not John Landis's son, so they don't get the benefit of the doubt even after failing to deliver multiple times. So they have to write bad movies that at least make money if they want a continued career in Hollywood. But for Max? Enh, who cares, someone'll always be there to read it.

Should Max Delete His Account? My question is, if his fans are so hype about his version of Ghostbusters, how come none of them went to see his last two movies?

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