Donald Trump has not yet been sworn into office, but he’s already ruined everything: foreign relations, the platonic concept of ethics, the entire planet, the once pleasing hue of cartoon carrots. It follows, then, that he will soon ruin Christmas movies, whose blind, bleeding-heart optimism will no longer offer us brief seasonal respite, but will instead cruelly mock our dystopian reality.
I, for one, refuse to let Trump have the distinct pleasure of ruining Christmas movies. So I am going to ruin them ahead of time, before he can get his stunted palms on them. Below, please find the updated synopses of your favorite holiday classics, rewritten to better fit Trump’s demented vision of America.
It’s a Wonderful Life
It’s Christmas Eve, and George Bailey is suicidal. His kids won’t stop glaring at him from behind their dog-eared copies of Between the World and Me, and his wife has sworn off sex entirely after the repeal of Roe v. Wade left millions of women with no choice but to avoid intercourse altogether, roll the dice, or risk their lives with black-market abortions. His prayers reach heaven, which is the final proof Betsy DeVos needs to shut down the entire American school system in favor of all-day mandatory church for every child in the country. Before Clarence the Angel — distracted by all the other suicidal white men who voted for Trump and are still unemployed and now uninsured to boot — can make his way down to Bedford Falls, George walks out onto the Donald Trump Bridge, which collapses due to poor infrastructure.
A Christmas Story
Ralphie Parker only wants one thing for Christmas: an AR-15-style semiautomatic assault rifle, the most popular gun in America, which can fire individual bullets as fast as the trigger can be squeezed. Since Trump repealed all gun control measures, the AR-15 has flown off the shelf faster than people can squeeze said trigger. Ralphie’s mom, who has no first name or nickname, spends weeks scouring Walmarts and grabagun.com to no avail. Christmas morning arrives, and the gun isn’t under the tree. Ralphie is despondent. But his father, The Old Man, pulls out one last gift. Ralphie tears it open excitedly. It’s the assault rifle, brimming with bullets. Ralphie’s mother looks at The Old Man lovingly. “I know a guy,” he says, shrugging. The whole family laughs and laughs. Ralphie runs outside and fires the gun at a target. It ricochets off the metal and kills him instantly.
Iris Simpkins and Amanda Woods are both desperate to temporarily escape their lives. Amanda, a successful movie-trailer-cutter person, just discovered that her boyfriend has been cheating on her, and Iris, a freelance writer who works from home and doesn’t speak to anyone all day, has just started hearing voices telling her to put her face next to her gas stove and inhale. Amanda finds Iris’s charming country home on Airbnb, and the two agree to swap places for two weeks. When Amanda arrives at Iris’s home, she finds that it has no electricity or heat. Iris hasn’t been able to pay her bills this month, thanks to several flailing publications that have had their budgets slashed due to continuous libel lawsuits from the Trump administration and have thusly ignored her invoices. When Iris arrives at Amanda’s home, she smells something odd wafting from next door. She wanders over to the palatial estate of Arthur Abbott, an Old Hollywood screenwriter who’s been dead for months because Social Security isn’t a thing anymore and he couldn’t afford a live-in aide. Iris's hot brother, Mr. Napkin Head, never comes over and bumps into Amanda, because Trump put him in prison for editing a book about Jews. Amanda accidentally freezes to death inside Iris’s ice hovel. Iris lives out her remaining days sipping tea with Arthur’s corpse, the best company she’s ever had.
Army vets Bob Wallis and Phil Davis stumble upon beautiful, talented sisters Betty and Judy Haynes busking in the New York subway. Judy begs Phil for a dollar to buy an apple (she does not eat carbs). Bob steps in to explain that he and Phil are also homeless, and have been ever since Trump cut all funding for veteran programs and both men were unable to seek treatment for their PTSD. Phil stares vacantly at a cat wandering toward them. The cat transforms suddenly into their old Army general. The Army general tips his hat and tells the men he’d love to host them at his Vermont inn. Phil starts screaming. Bob holds him tightly, waiting for the moment to pass. “That’s just our cat,” says Betty. Every single person in this movie is still white.
After Kevin McCallister calls his brother Buzz a Nazi for voting for Trump, Kevin’s parents leave him home alone. Left to fend for himself in a once-beautiful town now crumbling due to economic strain brought on by the Great Donald Trump Chinese-American War of 2025, Kevin knows he must create an elaborate defense system so that he does not fall victim to the hundreds of angry, unemployed Trump voters that stalk the streets and loot the houses of the few families more fortunate than them. Kevin begins laying traps for his inevitable home invasion, though a shredded public school system and a global shortage of tarantulas, tar, and birdseed leave him with very few intellectual and tangible options. Within hours of his parents’ departure, two enraged men break into Kevin’s house. Deeply experienced and savvy thanks to their years of enraged thievery, they dismantle Kevin’s traps immediately, then lock Kevin in the basement as they steal all of his family’s valuables. Kevin spends his entire Christmas vacation locked in the basement, subsisting on feathers. His family decides at the last minute to stay in Europe, where there are 12 percent fewer terrorist attacks per year. There is no Home Alone 2 for Trump to appear briefly in, because Kevin dies.
Juliet and Peter’s wedding is interrupted by a David Duke acolyte who lights the church on fire in protest of their interracial union. Aurelia is deported. Harry fires Mia because he can’t bear to look at her after their affair, and when she tries to sue him for sexual harassment, her lawyer informs her that sexual harassment is no longer illegal. Trump takes over the role of the lecherous American president previously played by Billy Bob Thornton, and rewrites the plot so that he ends up with Natalie, who is rewritten as a foreign prostitute overwhelmed with lust after glimpsing Trump’s massive, CGI hands. Colin tries to move to America, but he can’t, because America’s borders are closed. Sam is gunned down as he runs through the airport and Trump calls him a radical Islamic refugee during a subsequent press conference. Sarah’s brother’s mental hospital loses its funding, so he moves in with her, even though she does not have the financial or emotional resources to care for him on her own. They both turn to hard drugs.
This movie is the same.