From Not To Hot, We Rank Every 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Sex Scene

Get tied up in it.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" clocks in around the two hour mark, nearly 20 minutes of which was sexytime. Despite the 100-ish minutes of the movie that aren't sexytime, it's not necessarily the plot that's generating those record-breaking ticket sales.

There's a wide array of sex in the movie, from scenes that make us go bow-chicka-yeah-yeah to bow-chicka-OH-NO. NO NO NO.

Here's what's what when it comes to ranking every sex scene in "Fifty Shades of Grey."

The belt scene.


No thank you. None at all. No points awarded. She's crying, dude.

Flogging in the Red Room of Pain


Nobody looked like they were enjoying themselves in this scene, least of all Christian. As for Ana, it's gotta be an unusual feeling to have someone swatting your belly and expecting you to be like, "yeah, that's exactly the spot."

The one where his mom walks in.


Things were just getting started! Snaps to Ana for a quick recovery from sexytimes to a cute menswear look, even if she did meet her beau's ma wearing a totally see-through white shirt.

The spanking scene


This was the first time that Ana knowingly dabbled in the BDSM side of things, and though there was no actual sexing, she was into it. Big ups to Ana for trying something new and seeing it exactly as far as she wanted to, no more, no less.

The first Red Room of Pain scene


Come on, when he has her hold her hand out and swats it, then leaves and comes back in his BDSM jeans? Bonus points for braiding her hair, too.

That piano thing


So we don't see them do the deed, but it's pretty strongly implied. You know what's impressive is the speed at which things go from "please don't touch my shoulders" to "you're naked and wrapped around my body and I'm carrying you across my museum of a house."

When he takes Ana's virginity.


As Christian says, he doesn't make love, he f--ks. Hard. This definitely was not that. It was a little sweet, a little fun, and she seemed to enjoy it, which is enough for us. Also, for someone who "never" shares his actual bed with someone, didn't it seem like Christian had Ana sleeping in there an awful lot?

The one after she goes running


Even though we were a little distracted by the sweat/stank factor of having someone get so close right after a cardio sesh, Christian mama birding white wine to Ana worked in the context of the situation. And by context, we mean OMG.

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