As any "Fifty Shades of Grey" fan knows, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) is a billionaire. As in nine freaking zeroes on his paycheck, as opposed to our three. So for him, spending a few of those well-earned zeroes on a "Red Room of Pain" devoted to all of his singular tastes was no big deal. It was barely even a splurge.
But what about us? What about the literally millions of "Fifty Shades" fans who read the books and/or saw the movie, but can't afford Christian Grey's highfalutin lifestyle? Well, we'll just have to make due with this handy-dandy Red Room of Pain -- on a budget! -- we put together here at MTV News:
Red duvet and sheet set.
This Egyptian Cotton 650 thread count solid sateen finish duvet and sheet set comes in a deep, rich burgundy over on Overstock.com. And at $84.99, it's a true bargain -- all you need is a basic pair of white sheets (easiest to clean after your, ahem, fun) and you're good to go!
Walmart sells a blood-red paint for $8.47. Not that we want you to bleed, but... you might.
An actual, real-life dom that we took to our screening of "Fifty Shades" told us that Home Depot rope is best -- and who are we to question the greats? Plus, at $12.69 per 100 feet, this rope won't break your bank.
Ben Wa balls.
In the books, Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) loved herself some Ben Wa balls. These ones are only $6.95, and they have like 500 5-star reviews, so. Get Kegel'ing!
It's not BDSM without a blindfold -- and this one is a comfortable, padded, total blackout that "is contoured to accommodate the natural curvature of the face and will not mess up make up." Also, it's only $9.95.
Ana just loved getting lightly smacked -- all over -- with a riding crop. These ones, from Chick's Discount Saddlery, are the real deal, and they only cost $2.49. And as a bonus, they come in red!
Our professional dom also told us that real BDSM enthusiasts never use duct tape, as it's uncomfortable and very messy. Instead they use bondage tape which does not stick to the skin, and this brand is a steal at $3.99.
Even though they never use a dildo in the "Fifty Shades" movie -- WTF?! -- they're obviously a must-have buy for any respectable Red Room of Pain. There are obviously hundreds upon hundreds of dildos available online, but if you're really tight on cash, this one from LubeZilla.com is only $9.50.
So, there you have it. You officially have your own Red Room of Pain for only 139.03. Don't say we never got you anything.
(And for more on "Fifty Shades" sex toy fun, check out the video below!)